INT. PRIVATE JET IN FLIGHT, PATRIOTS LOGO ON THE TAIL – NIGHT
GRONK is sitting in one of the plush leather seats, his broken arm in a sling. Across from him sits punter ZOLTAN MESKO.
Gronk: Where did Mr. Kraft say he was sending us again? Doc gave me a few extra pills for home and I pounded them before we were called into the Big Cheese’s office. I don’t remember much of what we were told after, “get on the plane.”
Zoltan: He didn’t say. He just said he had a special contact who was going to try something experimental on your arm so it healed faster and I needed to come along and translate. Europe somewhere, I guess.
Gronk: Europe! Sweet! Maybe we can go to an Oktoberfest, find some frauleins, some beer. Or wait! No! Ibiza! Dance all night! Bom-de-diddy-bom-de-diddy-tsshh-bom-de-diddy-boom.
Gronk starts dancing in the middle of the plane, oblivious to the pain in his arm. Zoltan looks out the window and frowns. The flight is starting to go on for too long for his liking.
Gronk: C’mon, lighten up man. Big Cheese is sending us to Europe, the least we can do is have some fun too. Here, let me Gronk for you. That should make you feel better.
Gronk takes a football out of a large bag with his good arm, spikes it into the floor of the plane as hard as he can. The ball ricochets around the cabin, causing the plane to jerk back and forth in flight for a second.
Gronk: WOOOOOOO-EEEEE! THAT FELT GOOD! FRAULEINS HERE WE COME.
Zoltan: (Closing his eyes) I’m going to get some sleep before we land.
Gronk sits back down, disappointed in his teammate. Quietly he continues to sing the “bom-de-diddy” beat to himself and nodding his head, day dreaming.
EXT. BAIKONUR COSMODROME IN KAZAKHSTAN.
The Patriots jet is parked next to a Soyuz spacecraft readying for launch. Gronk and Zoltan exit the plane carrying their bags, confused. All they see is a vast wasteland of cold, hard land and machinery.
Zoltan: I don’t think so, Gronk. Maybe this guy is here to greet us.
Gronk and Zoltan walk across the tarmac to COSMONAUT ANDREI, who appears to be completely unimpressed with the two men heading towards him.
Cosmonaut Andrei: Добро пожаловать на космодроме Байконур в Казахстан.
Gronk: What did he say?
Zoltan: Hell if I know. I speak Romanian, not Russian.
Gronk: How do you know it’s Russian? Where are we? What is that giant hunk of metal?
Zoltan looks around, taking it all in.
Zoltan: He’s got a Russian flag on his uniform. That looks like a rocket, but how would a rocket fix your arm? Maybe he speaks Romanian. (To Cosmonaut Andrei) Hello? Where are we? Ai limba Română?
Cosmonaut Andrei: Не только я должен страдать американская, но я должен слушать эту румынского? Это взятка лучше быть стоит. Высокий выглядит как скучно, как шлюха Мурманске. (Pause, continuing in English) Hello, we are so pleased you can join us on our next flight. Mr. Kraft made all the arrangements. Come, you must change into your spacesuits before we can get ready for liftoff.
Zolton: Next flight?
Gronk: DID YOU HEAR THAT MESKO?!?! SPACE! We’re going to space! Bom-de-diddy-bom-de-diddy-tsshh-bom-de-diddy-boom!
Gronk takes another football out of his bag and spikes it, causing workers to scramble and secure the launch site and rocket.
Zoltan: Space? I can’t go to space? I have to play in a game in two days! This has to be a mistake. I’m calling Coach Belichick.
INTERCUT – INT. BEDROOM
A middle aged BLONDE WOMAN is holding her hand over the phone while laying in bed, talking to a lump under the covers.
Blonde: He says his name is Zoltan Menski or Mensko? Something about being a punter and he needs to get back for the game?
A disheveled COACH BELICHICK pokes his head out from underneath the covers.
Coach Belichick: (Speaking directly into her cleavage) Who? Punter? Just hang-up, it’s probably just a prank call. I don’t know any Zoltans.
Blonde: (Into phone) Sorry, Billy doesn’t know any punters or Zoltans. Goodbye.
INTERCUT – EXT. BAIKONUR COSMODROME
Zoltan looks at the phone in his hand in disbelief.
Zoltan: But we play the Jets on Thursday.
Cosmonaut Andrei: Типичные бесхребетные румын. (Smiles, then in English) Come! Spacesuits! The doctor will explain everything.
Gronk: Doctor? For my arm? Dude, never had a space doctor before. Maybe they’ll give me some moon vitamins that will regrow my bones.
INT. BAIKONUR COSMODROME BRIEFING ROOM
DR. KOVALEVSKY is pointing to an arm on a white board and addressing Gronk, Zoltan and Cosmonaut Andrei.
Dr. Kovalevsky: So what we’re hoping to do is see how much faster an athlete’s bones mend themselves in space. Cosmonauts’ bones tend to become more frail the longer they are in space so they’re not good test subjects, but we think there is a good chance with the right supplements and microgravity environment, your arm should heal in half the time.
Gronk: Half the time? So I could be Gronking for the playoffs? Yeah man…
Gronk goes to reach for a football before noticing the stern looks coming from the other three men in the room. He gently sets the football down.
Gronk: (Con’t) Yeah. Playoffs.
Zoltan: (Miserable) But what about the games I am missing? I don’t know Russian, I know Romanian. I don’t know anything about space. Why am I here?
Dr. Kovalevsky: Ah, but you do know about space. I believe you remember speaking to your American astronaut friend Sunita Williams?
Zoltan: Yeah, but she said she was coming back to Earth soon and…
SUNITA WILLIAMS enters the briefing room in a spacesuit.
Sunita: Hey guys! It’s your number one Patriots fan in space! Er, now on the ground, but soon to be back in space.
Zoltan: Sunita! What are you doing here? Didn’t you just get home?
Sunita: Yeah, but Mr. Kraft asked if I would help get Gronk back on the field faster and how can I say no to my favorite football team.
Gronk: You make the moon vitamins?
Sunita: Something like that. But we have to get going, they’re almost done loading the supplies we need to take up to the space station with us. They’re almost out of toilet paper and fudge ripple.
Gronk: I GET TO HAVE ASTRONAUT ICE CREAM?!?! Bom-de-diddy-bom-de-diddy-tsshh-bom!
Zoltan: (To himself) Still don’t know what I’m supposed to translate.
Cosmonaut Andrei: Может быть, вы можете пинать мяч в пространстве, плачь ребенка.
Zoltan: What was that?
Cosmonaut Andrei: (In English) I always like fudge ripple.
INT. SOYUZ SPACECRAFT – DAY
Gronk, Zoltan, Sunita and Cosmonaut Andrei are strapped in, ready for the launch.
Dr. Kovalevsky: (Over the intercom) Mr. Gronk and Mr. Mesko, we have a special guest on the phone who wants to say hello before you take off. Go ahead, Mr. Kraft.
Gronk: Hey, Big Cheese! We’re going to space to fix my bones and eat astronaut ice cream!
Mr. Kraft: (Over the intercom) That’s great, Gronk. Real proud of you for going the extra mile to help the team. Or should I say, the extra three hundred miles into space for the team.
Zoltan: Mr. Kraft, it’s Zoltan Mesko here. How am I supposed to play on Thursday against the Jets?
Mr. Kraft: Who? Mesko? Oh, right. Long snapper.
Mr. Kraft: Even better. Don’t worry about it, kid. We’ll keep your spot warm on the bench for you.
Cosmonaut Andrei: Может также быть водонос.
Zoltan: (Ignoring Cosmonaut Andrei) But I start each…
Mr. Kraft: (Interrupting) You speak Russian, right? You just keep an eye on Gronk and make sure he gets everything he needs. You are a great Patriot, now keep an even greater Patriot safe.
Zoltan: I’m Romanian, not Russian!
Mr. Kraft: Romanian? Then why am I spending all this money to send you to space? Well, too late now. Do the best you can. We need Gronk for the playoffs.
Sunita: Countdown is starting… 3, 2, 1, GO PATRIOTS!
EXT. BAIKONUR COSMODROME
Rocket lifts off into space, hurling our heroes into the bright blue sky.
INT. SOYUZ SPACECRAFT – DAY
Sunita: Now is the tough part. It takes a couple of days for the Soyuz to sync up with the International Space Station. We just sit back and wait.
Zoltan: What about food? Water? Do we wait until we get to the space station?
Gronk: Ice cream!
Sunita: No, we have plenty of food since we’re restocking the space station and our water is, um, plentiful.
Cosmonaut Andrei: Мы пьем мочу.
Zoltan: Wait. Did you say pee in Russian?
Sunita: Don’t worry. You’ll be perfectly hydrated.
Gronk: Can I float? Is it safe?
Sunita: You can unstrap now if you like. Just be careful. Don’t touch anything.
Gronk unstraps himself and starts to float about the cabin.
Gronk: NO WAY! Bom-de-diddy-bom-de-diddy-tsshh-bom-de-diddy-boom!
Gronk takes a football out of his bag while doing his Gronk dance.
Gronk: GRONK IN SPACE!
Sunita, Zoltan and Cosmonaut Andrei: No! NONONONNONONONONONONO!
Sunita tries to unbuckle herself and reach Gronk, but it’s too late.
Gronk goes to spike the ball, but instead of the ball going straight down out of his hand, he spins himself and the ball against a panel of buttons and switches. Lights start to flash, alarms sound. The Soyuz starts to spin and jets forward as secondary rocket ignites.
Cosmonaut Andrei: Глупо, переплата детей убьют нас всех! You stupid, American oaf!
Cosmonaut Andrei manages to steady the Soyuz, but it is clear they they are completely offtrack.
Sunita: Andrei, how much fuel did we burn?
Cosmonaut Andrei: I can’t get a reading, but we’re way past the space station’s orbit. It might be a few days extra days before I can match our trajectory with theirs. (To Zoltan) You were supposed to control him!
Sunita: That’s not that bad. We’re fine. No one is hurt. The ship is in good shape. We’re all a team now, so let’s be a team.
Gronk: The Gronk had to Gronk. Space Gronk. Bom-de-diddy-bom.
Zoltan: I just wanted to play the Jets, not be in a jet or a spaceship or whatever the hell this thing is. This just has to be a bad dream, I can’t be in space.
As Zoltan rambles on, Sunita and Cosmonaut Andrei fiddle with the controls. Gronk has tuned out the others, mesmerized by a red flashing button labeled GRONK.
Gronk: Hey, what does this do?
ROLL END CREDITS.
For translation, go here.