Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU FILL OUT YOUR TAXES YESTERDAY?
Herm: FILLED OUT MY FORM 4868 FOR AN EXTENSION AGAIN.
Jon: WELL YOU NEVER WERE GOOD AT CLOCK MANAGEMENT. ANYWAY WE GOT NOBEL LAUREATE PAUL KRUGMAN HERE TO TALK TAXES. PAUL, HOW YA DOIN’?
Paul: I’m doing well.
Jon: SO EVERYONE IN AMERICA’S GOTTA PAY THEIR TAXES YESTERDAY. THAT 1040 IS ALMOST AS LONG AS MY PLAYBOOK. IT’S NOT AS LONG AS ANY COACH’S PLAYBOOK. EXCEPT FOR BILL CALLAHAN’S OF COURSE BUT HE’S A DOPE.
Paul: Well the length of the tax code is due to the fact that it’s essentially been hijacked by special interest groups to serve their own purposes.
Jon: LEMME TELL YA, SPECIAL TEAMS SHOULD NOT BE THAT POWERFUL. DON’T GET ME WRONG; A LOT OF GUNNERS ARE GRUDEN GRINDERS BUT YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF YOUR OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE STARTERS FIRST.
Herm: AIN’T NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE KICKER.
Paul: No, what I mean is that groups like realtors and religious organizations have lobbied to get preferential treatment from the tax code.
Jon: AND THAT’S A SHAME. IF PAT ROBERTSON WANTS TO LOBBY FOR REPUBLICANS HE SHOULD PAY TAXES LIKE A LOBBYIST.
Herm: TD JAKES SHOULD HAVE TO PAY 35%!
Paul: Right, and in the last elections you saw so many of these so-called nonprofit groups running ads against candidates and they didn’t have to pay taxes like a normal business.
Jon: SPEAKING OF THOSE ADS, IS IT TAX DAY IN THE CAYMAN ISLANDS TOO? BECAUSE THAT MITT ROMNEY ONLY PAID THEM THERE.
Herm: IF YOU DON’T HAVE FOOTBALL IN A COUNTRY YOU SHOULDN’T PAY TAXES THERE.
Paul: Again, it highlights the inequities of our tax system. Capital gains, carried interest exceptions and allowing people allocate income to countries with low marginal tax rates and secretive banking rules means that the ultra-wealthy can disproportionately take advantage of loopholes and enrich themselves while middle-class families have to pay higher rates.
Jon: THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS GIVE MY TAXES TO MY ACCOUNTANT. NOBODY FINDS DEDUCTIONS QUITE LIKE NORMAN EPSTEIN, CPA. THIS NORMAN, I CALL HIM MITT ROMNEY BECAUSE HE’S GREAT AT AVOIDING TAX LIABILITY.
Herm: I USE BARRY COOPERMAN OUT IN MONTEREY.
Jon: SO PAUL, DO YOU KNOW NORMAN EPSTEIN? MAYBE YOU WENT TO PASSOVER TOGETHER.
Paul: I’m afraid that I don’t, but it’s good that you’re using an accountant. Though the fact that the average American has to use a professional to fill out his taxes doesn’t speak well of the tax code.
Jon: I WON A SUPER BOWL AND SPEND 60 HOURS A WEEK WATCHING TAPE, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT MY TAXES ON MY OWN. PAUL, DO THEY HAVE A NOBEL PRIZE IN FOOTBALL? I THINK THAT I SHOULD GET ONE.
Jon: YOU CAN GET A NOBEL PRIZE FOR CHEMISTRY, WHY NOT FOOTBALL? HOW MANY CHEMISTS CAN RUN A COUNTER Z SMASH? HOW MANY WRITERS CAN LEAD BRAD JOHNSON TO THE SUPER BOWL? WE GOTTA LET THOSE GODDAMN SWEDES KNOW WHO’S BOSS.
Herm: DON CORYELL SHOULD’VE WON A MACARTHUR GENIUS GRANT.
Paul: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS.
Herm: LET’S RUN TAXMAN BY THE BEATLES OUT OF THE HERM EDWARDS 7 PLAYBOOK.