Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU FOLLOWED THIS A-ROD SUSPENSION STORY?
Herm: MAN, AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME TO FOLLOW BASEBALL.
Jon: I HEAR YA. IT TAKES THEM FOUR GODDAMN HOURS AND THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE A PLAYBOOK. HOW THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU GONNA RUN THE 28 Y-COUNTER FLIP? AND I DON’T CARE IF THEY ONLY HAVE 9 PLAYERS, IF THE CFL CAN MAKE IT WORK THEN YOU CAN TOO.
Herm: BASEBALL SUCKS.
Jon: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT BASEBALL SUCKS. BUT WE BROUGHT IN PROFESSOR MICHAEL LEROY TO DISCUSS MLB’S LABOR ISSUES. MICHAEL, HOW THE HELL ARE YA?
Michael: I’m doing well.
Jon: SO EXPLAIN THIS A-ROD SUSPENSION TO ME. IN THE NFL GETTING SUSPENDED 211 GAMES MEANS YOUR CAREER IS OVER
Herm: ONLY 16 GAMES A YEAR, UNLESS YOU MAKE THE PLAYOFFS.
Jon: AND YOU WOULDN’T KNOW ABOUT MAKING THE PLAYOFFS BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS.
Michael: Major League Baseball is punishing A-Rod under the Joint Drug Agreement, which has very specific penalties for PED violations. 50 games for the first violation, 100 for the second and a lifetime ban for the third.
Jon: I HEAR YA, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THE NFL SHOULD DO THE SAME TO BILL ROMANOWSKI. THIS BILL, I CALL HIM FRANK ZAPPA BECAUSE HE WAS ALWAYS ZONKED OUT ON SOMETHING AND EVERYBODY THAT HE KNEW HATED HIM.
Herm: BILL ROMANOWSKI AND THE MOTHERS OF INVENTION.
Michael: Well, those are very specific penalties. The MLB penalty against A-Rod should be overturned by an arbitrator because the JDA is pretty straightforward on this matter.
Jon: LEMME TELL YA, IF YOU’RE STRAIGHTFORWARD THEN YOU’RE EASY TO DEFEND. MLB’S JUST THROWING SOME PLAY ACTION AT THE PLAYERS TO KEEP THEM ON THEIR TOES.
Herm: THE PLAYERS ASSOCIATION BIT ON THE FAKE.
Michael: If MLB wanted to suspend A-Rod for a period other than the ones specified in the JDA, it could have used the “best interests of baseball” clause in the CBA. But that would have invited a legal fight from the players association.
Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT’S IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF BASEBALL? TO STOP HAVING THE WORLD SERIES DURING FOOTBALL SEASON. I DON’T CARE IF IT’S THE JAGUARS PLAYING THE CARDINALS, NOBODY’S GOING TO WATCH BASEBALL INSTEAD OF MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.
Herm: ONLY OLD PEOPLE WATCH BASEBALL.
Michael: A best interests of baseball suspension would also be problematic because Bud Selig himself acted against the best interests of baseball when he participated in the owners’ collusion efforts in the 1980s. It’d be pretty hypocritical of him to suspend A-Rod using that clause.
Jon: THIS COLLUSION, I CALL IT REAGANOMICS BECAUSE IT COST A LABOR UNION A LOT OF MONEY IN THE ’80S.
Michael: Right, so it makes a lot of sense for him to just stick by the JDA guidelines. He’s really angry at A-Rod for flouting the rules but it could backfire.
Jon: LEMME TELL YA, YOU GOTTA ACCOMODATE YOUR STARS. WARREN SAPP SOLD WEAPONS TO IRAN BUT I STILL LET HIM START EVERY WEEK BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW TO DEFEND THE RUN.
Herm: ANOTHER LESSON FROM RONALD REAGAN.
Michael: I’m sorry, I’m lost.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: JOHN FOGERTY SINGING ABOUT CENTERFIELD ON 3, GUYS.