Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO THE ROYAL BABY?
Herm: I ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO AMERICAN BABIES.
Jon: I HEAR YA, IN ENGLAND FOOTBALL IS A BUNCH OF GUYS WITH BAD HAIR IN TENNIS SHOES KICKING A BALL AROUND. THEY’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF A SPLIT HIPPO EDGE H-IN 34. THAT’S WHY WE BROUGHT BRITISH HISTORIAN PETER ACKROYD HERE TO EXPLAIN THE ROYAL BABY TO US. PETER, HOW YA DOIN’?
Peter: I’m doing well, sirs.
Jon: DROP THE SIRS, WE’RE IN AMERICA, PAL. SO WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL WITH A ROYAL BABY? IN AMERICA WE ONLY CARE ABOUT FAMOUS PEOPLE’S KIDS ONCE THEY CAN HIT A RECEIVER ON A CROSSING ROUTE LIKE ELI MANNING.
Herm: AMERICA’S ROYAL FAMILY IS THE CLAUSENS.
Peter: Well you must remember that the British Royal Family has a great deal of symbolic value for the country. It’s a lineage that dates back nearly one thousand years, a period in which Britain was never conquered by a foreign power.
Jon: BUT WILLIAM THE CONQUERER WAS A BASTARD SO THEY’RE ALL DESCENDED FROM A BUNCH OF BASTARDS.
Herm: THE ROYAL FAMILY IS JUST LIKE DEZ BRYANT.
Peter: Indeed, he was born 985 years ago to an unwed mother. But his lineage includes many of the great leaders of the world.
Jon: THIS WILLIAM, I CALL HIM BILL WALSH BECAUSE HIS COACHING TREE IS UNSTOPPABLE.
Herm: MIKE HOLMGREN IS HENRY VIII.
Peter: And while you Americans consider the hubbub over the Royal Family an anachronism, the Royal Baby represents the continuation of that legacy, a source of great British pride.
Jon: YA KNOW, WE’RE STILL CALLING IT THE ROYAL BABY, WHEN ARE WE GOING TO FIND OUT ITS NAME? I’D NAME IT JON SO IT GROWS UP TO BE A REAL GRUDEN GRINDER OF A KING.
Herm: NAME THE BABY HERM IF YOU WANT IT TO PLAY BASS GUITAR AND GO 4-12.
Peter: Well the royal family considers the name “John” to be cursed. It’s unlikely there will ever be another King John because the original was so terrible. And King George VI’s brother John died in infancy. Rumor has it that Diana wanted to name Prince William “John” but the queen forbade it.
Jon: YOU CAN’T GO THROUGH LIFE TAKING MARCHING ORDERS FROM YOUR IN-LAWS. UNLESS BILL PARCELLS IS YOUR IN-LAW THEN YOU PRETTY MUCH HAVE TO.
Herm: DO NOT MARRY NICK SABAN’S DAUGHTER.
Peter: Well the Royal Family is not like most families. Because of their ceremonial importance they have certain duties and one of them happens to be a rather limited group of names to bestow upon their children.
Jon: I HEAR YA, TAMPA’S THE OPPOSITE. SEEMS LIKE EVERY DAMN WEINER KID IN HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY IS NAMED CAYDEN OR BRANDEE OR JAXXON. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO GOOD OLD FASHIONED AMERICAN NAMES LIKE BOOGER MCFARLAND?
Herm: THE ROYAL BABY CAN’T PLAY THE 0-TECHNIQUE.
Peter: I have officially lost track of this conversation.
Jon: THAT’S OK, BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: THIS IS ENGLAND, SO WE’RE GOING WITH 54-46 THAT’S MY NUMBER.