Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING THE SCANDAL INVOLVING THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE?
Herm: IS HE RELATED TO GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER?
Jon: NO, YA BIG DUMMY. IT’S THE BRIDGE CONNECTING NEW YORK AND NEW JERSEY OVER THE HUDSON RIVER. AND THE GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY BLOCKED IT TO PAY BACK HIS POLITICAL ENEMIES. SO WE HAVE RACHEL MADDOW HERE FROM MSNBC TO DISCUSS HER THEORY ON WHY HE DID IT. RACHEL, HOW YA DOIN’?
Rachel: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: NOW RACHEL, YOU HAVE SOME INTERESTING THEORIES ON WHY CHRIS CHRISTIE CLOSED THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE.
Rachel: Well, Jon, it doesn’t make sense to me that he’d do it as payback to a Democratic mayor who didn’t endorse him. You don’t expect people from other parties to endorse you.
Jon: THIS CHRISTIE I CALL HIM WARREN SAPP BECAUSE HE’LL DESTROY ANYONE IN HIS PATH, EVEN FRIENDS, AND PROBABLY END UP BANKRUPT.
Herm: HE HAS ZERO TACT AS A ZERO TECHNIQUE.
Rachel: It really makes more sense that this was payback to Loretta Weinberg, a political opponent who represents the area.
Jon: YOU DON’T EVER WANT TO PISS OFF SOMEONE THAT CONTROLS A BRIDGE. THAT’S WHY I LET THE TROLL WHO LIVES UNDER THE FRANKLAND BRIDGE PLAY RIGHT GUARD FOR THE BUCS IN 2007.
Herm: WOODY JOHNSON MADE THE TROLL UNDER THE TAPPAN ZEE BRIDGE HIS GENERAL MANAGER FOR A FEW YEARS.
Rachel: And this is really Nixonian because Chris Christie was going to win in 2013 regardless. Just like Nixon with the Watergate break-in.
Jon: LEMME TELL YA, YOU CAN’T HAVE A GUY LIKE NIXON CALLING THE PLAYS. RUNNING A FLANKER REVERSE IN THE RED ZONE? HE NEEDS TO FAMILIARIZE HIMSELF WITH AN HB FAR WEST RIGHT SLOT 34 SPRINT SPOT.
Herm: GEORGE MCGOVERN WAS THE DETROIT LIONS.
Rachel: What I’m trying to say is that his actions indicate a vindictiveness and belligerence that we really don’t want in our leaders. Both Christie and Nixon pitch themselves as tough-talking everymen, and both aren’t fit to be president.
Jon: TALKING TOUGH DOESN’T GET YOU ANYWHERE, JUST ASK GREG SCHIANO. I’D EXPECT AN EVERYMAN TO RUN A ZONE BLITZ ON EVERY DOWN LIKE HIM.
Herm: HALDEMAN WAS A SCHIANO MAN.
Rachel: And what we’ve seen in the aftermath of this scandal is that there are a lot of people that Christie has pissed off, and they’re ready to turn on him.
Jon: I HEAR THAT. BY THE END IN TAMPA THE LUNCHLADY WAS READY TO TURN ON ME. BUT THE PEOPLE THERE DIDN’T REALIZE THAT COACHING ISN’T ABOUT BEING NICE, IT’S ABOUT GRINDING TAPE AND COMING UP WITH PLAY NAMES THAT SOUND AWESOME.
Herm: COACHING IS ABOUT WINNING THE PRESS CONFERENCE.
Rachel: Regardless, I really think we’ve seen the end of Chris Christie as a viable national candidate.
Jon: THEY SAID THAT ABOUT NORV TURNER, BUT HE STILL MIGHT GET THE BROWNS JOB.
Herm: THE LIONS WOULD HAVE INTERVIEWED ME BUT I GOT LOST ON MY WAY FROM THE AIRPORT.
Rachel: I’m sorry, but I’m lost.
Jon: THAT’S OK, BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: UNDER THE BRIDGE ON 3, GUYS.