Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THE OLYMPICS?
Herm: BEEN TO BUSY TAKING QUAALUDES BEFORE GOING ON ESPN.
Jon: I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU TO SEE THE WOLF OF WALL STREET.
Herm: GOT ME SOME LEMMONS.
Jon: ANYWAY, WE HAVE FIONA HILL FROM THE BROOKINGS INSTITUTION HERE TO DISCUSS RUSSIA AND WHAT THE WINTER GAMES MEAN TO THEM. FIONA, HOW’S IT GOING?
Fiona: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: SO THIS PUTIN, I CALL HIM JIMMY HASLAM BECAUSE HE’S INCOMPETENT, WASTES MONEY AND SHOULD PROBABLY BE IN JAIL RIGHT NOW.
Herm: I WOULD NOT GO TO VLADIMIR PUTIN’S TRUCK STOP.
Fiona: Yes, the problems with Sochi have made for great news fodder in the United States, but I don’t think Putin really cares about what the American media says about that.
Jon: I HEAR YA, YOU CAN’T TAKE WHAT THE MEDIA SAYS INTO ACCOUNT WHEN YOU’RE GAMEPLANNING. LIKE I’D EVER LISTEN TO THE ST. PETERSBURG TIMES WHEN I’D BE DRAWING UP MY TOSS 38 BOSS CUT RIGHT MOTION Q.
Herm: I ONLY READ THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS FOR MARMADUKE.
Fiona: What Putin really wants is for the world to see Southern Russia as indelibly part of the country. The area is home to many separatist movements, and this is his chance to show that they’ve been pacified.
Jon: VLADIMIR PUTIN’S GOTTA SHOW EVERYONE HE HAS CONTROL OF THE LOCKER ROOM. THESE REBEL GROUPS ARE HIS KEYSHAWN JOHNSON.
Herm: I WOULD NOT USE A FIRST ROUND PICK ON DAGESTAN.
Fiona: Well you have to understand the history of the Caucasus and its people. The Russians didn’t obtain all of their territory in the area until the late 19th century. Afterward, they expelled native peoples to Turkey or Siberia.
Jon: SO THESE SEPARATISTS ARE LIKE BROWNS FANS DEMANDING THEIR TEAM BACK WHEN THEY GOT MOVED TO BALTIMORE.
Herm: I’D RATHER LIVE IN SIBERIA THAN BALTIMORE.
Fiona: It’s fairly similar to how European settlers treated Native Americans in the United States. Except Russia hasn’t developed a civil society through which the natives of the Caucasus can redress their grievances, so they resort to violence.
Jon: EVERYONE KNOWS YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE UNION IF YOU HAVE A GRIEVANCE. UNLESS YOUR COACH IS TOM CABLE IN WHICH CASE ALL DISPUTES ARE SETTLED WITH A GAME OF BLOODY KNUCKLES.
Herm: IF YOU CAN BEAT ME IN A STARING CONTEST YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO TWO-A-DAYS. BUT I NEVER LOSE.
Fiona: And Vladimir Putin has no desire to develop a civil society in Russia. Which is tragic, because that’s an important precursor to having a democracy. It’s why the Yeltsin presidency was such a failure.
Jon: DON’T KNOCK BORIS YELTSIN. THE ONLY OTHER MAN WHO DRANK THAT MUCH BUT STILL WON BIG IN THE ’90S WAS BARRY SWITZER.
Herm: RUSSIA SHOULD MOVE TO THE WISHBONE.
Fiona: I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME HERE ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: GONNA PLAY THE ITALIAN VERSION OF GLORIA THEN TAKE SOME MORE QUAALUDES. I LOVED THE WOLF OF WALL STREET.