Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO UKRAINE?
Herm: I’M NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY RISK BECAUSE I MIGHT CHOKE ON ONE OF THE PIECES.
Jon: OF COURSE YOU CAN’T, YA BIG DUMMY. WELL IT LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE ON THE VERGE OF A WAR WITH THE RUSSIANS. SO WE GOT OUR OLD AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE, JOHN TEFFT, HERE TO TELL US WHAT’S GOING ON. JOHN, HOW YA DOIN’?
John: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: SO EXPLAIN THIS UKRAINE THING. CRIMEA DOESN’T LOOK ALL THAT IMPORTANT TO ME – I CHECKED AND THE NEAREST HOOTERS TO THEM IS IN BUDAPEST. WHY DOES RUSSIA WANT IT SO BAD?
Herm: I’M HUNGARY FOR SOME WINGS AND A TALL COLD BUD LIGHT.
John: Well, Crimea was historically part of Russia and not Ukraine. It was added to Ukraine by Khrushchev in order to Russify Ukraine further.
Jon: AL DAVIS GOT PRETTY PISSED AT ME FOR TRYING TO RUSSIFY THE RAIDERS INSTEAD OF USING A DOWNFIELD PASSING ATTACK. IS THERE ANY WAY RUSSIA WILL TRADE UKRAINE A COUPLE OF FIRST ROUNDERS FOR CRIMEA?
Herm: THE GLAZERS WILL TAKE OUT ANOTHER LOAN ON THEIR SOCCER TEAM TO PAY FOR CRIMEA.
John: Well Russia would rather take Crimea by force. In 2003 America set a precedent for a preemptive invasion to protect national interests, and we have to live with that precedent.
Jon: THIS GEORGE W. BUSH, I CALL HIM DAN SNYDER BECAUSE HE KEPT MORTGAGING THE FUTURE IN THE HOPES IT’D GET PEOPLE TO LIKE HIM.
Herm: GEORGE W. BUSH WOULD CHARGE $100 FOR PARKING IF HE COULD.
John: So now the Obama Administration has a few options. Most of them involve placing economic pressure on Russia, but it needs to get Western Europe to go along with plans that could lead to higher oil prices.
Jon: I THOUGHT EVERYONE IN WESTERN EUROPE ALREADY DROVE ONE OF THOSE CHODE CARS WITH HELLO KITTY ON IT. WHAT DO THEY NEED OIL FOR?
Herm: I DROVE A HUMMER INTO BRANDENBURG GATE AND THEY GAVE ME A TICKET THAT WAS IN SOME WEIRD MOON LANGUAGE.
Jon: THAT WAS GERMAN, YA BIG DUMMY.
John: It is important to note that Russia isn’t ascendant while America is on its way down. Quite the contrary. This is a dispute over areas that have been in Russia’s sphere of influence for centuries.
Jon: IF YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT SPHERES OF INFLUENCE, BOOGER MCFARLAND WAS THE MOST INFLUENTIAL SPHERE I EVER COACHED.
Herm: WARREN SAPP WAS MORE OF A RHOMBUS.
John: Hopefully this all ends with a plebiscite in Ukranian areas with Russian sympathies as to whether they would like to separate from Ukraine to remain oriented with the East, or join the more dynamic, western portions of the country that could eventually join the EU and NATO.
Jon: I HEAR YA, MAYBE ONE DAY CANADA CAN FINALLY VOTE TO JOIN THE NFL.
Herm: I’D FINALLY GET TO PUNT ON THIRD DOWN LIKE I ALWAYS DREAMED OF.
John: I’m sorry, what are you talking about?
Jon: DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT CHAMP, WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON G