Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU KNOW THERE’S AN ELECTION IN VIRGINIA IN A FEW WEEKS?
Herm: YOU KNOW I’M PAYING ATTENTION WHEN I HOPE TO GET THE UVA JOB NEXT YEAR.
Jon: NOBODY’S HIRING YOU TO COACH AGAIN YA BIG DUMMY. ANYWAY, WE HAVE THE UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA’S LARRY SABATO HERE TO DISCUSS THE 2013 GUBERNATORIAL ELECTION. LARRY, HOW YA DOIN’?
Larry: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: SO LARRY, WHY DOES VIRGINIA HAVE ELECTIONS IN 2013? IS THIS LIKE WHEN THE NFL FEELS BAD FOR JACKSONVILLE AND GIVES THEM THE SUPER BOWL?
Herm: VIRGINIA SHOULD MOVE TO LONDON.
Larry: Actually, a lot of states used to have elections in odd-numbered years but they moved them to coincide with federal elections for the sake of convenience. Virginia didn’t because the powerful political machine that ran the state figured the odd-year elections would make it easier to retain power.
Jon: I HEAR YA, SO THE STATE GOES AGAINST THE GRAIN, LIKE TOM LANDRY STICKING WITH A 4-3 WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS IN A 3-4.
Herm: WHEN WILL VIRGINIA ELECT JIMMY JOHNSON?
Larry: Well, it’s interesting because for the past 9 elections, the governor has come from the party that just lost the White House, but Republican Ken Cuccinelli seems poised to break that streak.
Jon: THIS TERRY MCAULIFFE, I CALL HIM THE 2007 GIANTS BECAUSE HE’S NOT THAT GREAT BUT HE’S GOT ENOUGH MONEY AND LUCK TO END A BIG STREAK.
Herm: AHMAD BRADSHAW SHOULD BE HIS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR.
Larry: Well, the Democrats seem poised to win, but it’s in spite of McAuliffe. He’s a former Clinton fundraiser with limited ties to the stae, but Cuccinelli has borderline lunatic views that really make Mac the only viable option.
Jon: LEMME TELL YA, AIN’T NO SHAME WINNING BY DEFAULT. I USED TO COACH IN THE SAME DIVISION AS JIM HASLETT AND THOSE WINS COUNT JUST THE SAME AS IF THEY’D COME AGAINST JOHN FOX.
Herm: KEN CUCCINELLI SHOULD BE THE REDSKINS NEXT DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR. YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T WANT THEM TO CHANGE THEIR NAME.
Larry: Well Cuccinelli does have very out-of-mainstream views. He wants to make sodomy a crime again, he sued the University of Virginia in a dubious climate change lawsuit and he wants to end no fault divorce.
Jon: THE THING ABOUT NO-FAULT DIVORCE IS THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND FAULT WITH A COACH. 100-HOUR WEEKS, 23-YEAR-OLD PERSONAL TRAINERS AND YOU MIGHT HAVE TO LIVE IN GREEN BAY FOR A FEW YEARS.
Herm: I TOOK MY WIFE TO RED LOBSTER ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.
Larry: And it’s not just Cuccinelli, the party’s candidate for lieutenant governor, EW Jackson, and attorney general, Mark Obenshain, are also too extreme for the general electorate. The entire Republican ticket looks out of touch, and the recent government shutdown doesn’t help.
Jon: THIS EW JACKSON, I CALL HIM BILL SHERIDAN BECAUSE HE’S THE INCOMPETENT RUNNING MATE TO A SLIGHTLY LESS INCOMPETENT BOSS.
Herm: MARK OBENSHAIN REALLY NEEDS DOUG MARTIN TO COME BACK FROM HIS INJURY.
Larry: I’m lost.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME HERE ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7!
Herm: TIME TO SCRAPE THE SHIT OFF YOUR SHOES WITH SWEET VIRGINIA.