Strong Take’s Guide to the Postseason: Carolina Panthers

01.07.14 4 years ago 48 Comments



Holy sweet cinnamon Christchild I dont know where to start with this group I really dont. They arent a house divided folks there more like a backyard BBQ with crips and bloods playing hollow-pointed dominoes divided, not in a racist way. On one hand you’ve got “Scam Newton” with his appropriate nickname given he cant stop stealing Macintoshes and demonstrating gravity by throwing them out of windows. On the other you’ve got Luke Keuchley who has to legitimately be googling job openings for other NFL teams, preferably ones who dont reserve a position on the 53 man roster for “Parole Officer.”


Pictured: Cam Newton stepping out of his car

Lets talk about their cheerleaders,, these Pussycats have made a habit of licking each others fur just like a real Panther. You talk about some Lunch-Box Cheerleaders folks. Normally I take a brave LGBT stance that is pro-Lesbians, but if they dont videotape it, its like a tree falling in the woods type situation and I guess Im just a bigot but I dont condone Lesbian behaviour unless I get to pretend that I would be a welcome guest in there activities.


On the field youve got Steve Smith who looks and acts more like a JV version of Nelly then Nelly does at this point. Come to think of it after watching Nellys Rock ‘n’ Jock performences maybe hed be a better fit then Smith. At least mediawhore Nelly would be able to tolerate Press Coverage and walk away with just a bandaid on his face and not a cast on his foot.




If theres one shining light on this Black Panthers team (not racist, the term “Black” can be use to demonstrate “Evil” or “sorcery” and thats what I mean here) its there owner Jerry Richardson. Jerry is just a allstar of a human being, and has even chosen to contribute to funding the expansion of his own stadium OUT OF HIS OWN POCKET, since he pays taxes to the city of Charlotte whose taxpayers are paying for the upgrade. You don’t see that to often these days and you have to take your hat off for him, but mostly because he’ll literaly spit in your face if you dont or if your a minority with a visible tattoo,, hes just kind’ve a old fuddy duddy you could say.

Carolina had the original Riley Cooper on there team: Kerry Collins. Collins got liquored up and called Muhsin Mohammed a word that a White person should never of said to anyone before we had a Black President, and he quickly lost the locker room like it was his ability to legally operate a vehicle in North Carolina. At least Cooper had the excuse of not having the alcohol tolerence of a Scottish prison when he lost his cool and threatened to murder all those black people. Collins liver is so swollen and misshapen it makes Thomas Davis’ ACL look like the original part folks.


Lets talk about the name here. Last I checked theres no such place as “Carolina.” Its like naming your team “Florio Intercourse” or “Mecca.” Richardson wanted to just call it Carolina to trick a bunch of South Carolinians into giving him money for a terrible product, but if he really wanted to do that he should of just opened up a Cracker Barrel instead. Usually the farthest North a adult South Carolinian will get is the Daytona County penitentery, but that didnt stop Richardson from trying to get them to make the trip up to Charlotte without appearing on “I Almost Got Away With It.” I havent seen a “North” get dropped this fast since someone showed up at the Kardashians with a baby with a Louis Vuitton tattoo on its face folks.



We can all agree that Cam Newtons put up some great individual stats this year. But when you literaly have a pile of money with type 2 diabetes and fumblitis in the backfield with him, what other option do you have? Do the Panthers have a runningback on the roster that they don’t pay $5 million dollars a year to average 3.6 YPC? You talk about a bunch of slow rich guys, they dont have a Gatorade tub theyve got a “Purple Drank” tub. They like their Gatorade so screwed and chopped youd think it was dating Rae Carruth folks, no offense.

Anyways I hope you lose this weekend, Carolina Panthers. The way you tricked and scammed your way into the Playoffs this year, I hadnt seen such a blatantly illegitimate berth since Jon Edwards was in office folks.

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