SCENE 1 — Anthropology Lab, Duquesne University, Pittsburgh
Professor: (studying printouts) Fascinating. Tom, look at this. (motions to graduate assistant)
The Steelers and Cowboys are the NFL’s two most popular teams. I can account for the Cowboys’ popularity — Dallas is the nation’s 9th largest city, and for a long time it was the only team in the entire southwest United States.
Professor: But I can’t seem to connect the dots on the Steelers’ fan base. Pittsburgh’s population is just a little more than 300,000, and it has regional competitors for fans in Philadelphia, Cleveland, Buffalo, Cincinnati, Washington, and Baltimore. I’d like to attribute it to the team’s massive success in the 1970s just as the steel industry failed, displacing fans across the country… but that simply doesn’t account for the numerous Steelers bars in every American city.
Professor: It almost seems to be a pervasive, debilitating personality trait, in which seemingly intelligent people find ways to justify their fandom of a team they have little or no regional connection with, just because cheering for a team that tends to win more satisfies some aspect of their malformed personalities.
Tom: I see. So, yinz watchin’ the Stillers on Sunday?
Professor: Wait. You’re from Florida. Your father is a 49ers fan.
Tom: (waves yellow towel) Here we go, Stillers, HERE WE GO!
SCENE 2 — The National Security Council War Room
Scientist: Mr. President, it’s worse than we imagined. This pervasive personality disorder exists in every American city, and it spreads further every time the Steelers win.
President: What are our options? Can we quarantine?
Four-Star General: Impossible. We don’t have the manpower.
President: A vaccine?
Scientist: We’ve tried, sir, but Steelers fandom is extremely resilient. And WAY douchey.
CIA Director: Why don’t we just stop the Steelers from winning? Maybe a snatch-and-grab of James Harrison and Troy Polamalu? Keep them in Guantanamo until after the Super Bowl?
President: We can’t take that chance. I’ve got Pittsburgh in the office playoffs pool.
Four-Star General: Sir, I think it’s time we looked at eliminating Ground Zero of the problem.
President: You mean…?
Four-Star General: Yes. I mean an atomic attack on Pittsburgh. (pauses) Mr. President… are you ready for some football?
President: Fuck yes! That place sucks! (launches nuclear strike)
SCENE 3 — New York City, the following Sunday
Joey: Shame about Pittsburgh, huh?
Mark: Not really.
Joey: Man, I am SO looking forward to watching Chargers-Steelers in a sports bar without a bunch of jackasses waving cheap hand towels and screaming at the TV.
Mark: Me too!
(they enter bar)
Zombie Fan 1: Nnnnggguhhhh… Kordell GAY!
Zombie Fan 2: Grrrrraaaaahhh… Fire Bruce Arians!
Zombie Fan 3: Mmmmugghhh… One for the… first finger on… second hand!
Joey: Fuck! Those cockroaches survived! Mark, we gotta get outta here!
Mark: Aw, c’mon, Joey. The game’s about to start. Besides, you gotta be impressed by dere loyalty. Look, even all the Stillers chicks got jerzees on.
Zombie Fan 1: Damn… Neil O’Donnell… Gaaarrrrggh… Must continue to bitch… despite team’s success.
Joey: Mark, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? You can’t really be serious about watching the game with these assholes, can you?
Mark: You better redd up that mouth, neb-nose. My favorite aunt was a Stillers fan! I growed up rootin’ for this tihm! Kind of! When they won! I know all about dere great historih from before I was born! I studded it on Wicker-peedy-er!
Joey: No! They got you too!
SCENE 4 — The White House, Washington, D.C.
President: Hey, how ya like my jersey?
Chief of Staff: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(dials emergency number)
Secretary of Defense: Hello?
Chief of Staff: Mr. Secretary, we have to re-schedule the inauguration for RIGHT NOW! It’s about President Bush, sir. We’ve… we’ve lost him. He’s more dislikable than ever.
Secretary of Defense: I’m afraid it’s too late, Junior.
Chief of Staff: So that’s it, then. This is how our republic falls.
Secretary of Defense: Not yet. We still have one last hope.
Chief of Staff: Are you saying…?
Secretary of Defense: We better ask somebody.
SCENE 5 — The San Diego Chargers Locker Room
(a phone rings)
Marmalard: THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?