Hiroshima on the Hudson, Pompeii on the Potomac, Atlantis on the Allegheny and so much more

02.20.07 10 years ago 75 Comments

…because we get bored at work just like everybody else (except for Caveman, he works at whichever titty bar has the best wireless signal).

Once again the KSK crew decided to kill some additional time with a marathon email thread. This time we decided to conduct a mock draft of the cities we might eliminate if given the means and opportunity (our motives are included). Yeah, we’re not perfect human beings (we aren’t even Mormon!).

Disclaimer: Nobody at KSK is promoting the destruction of an American city. This is just a jumping off point in case the situation presented itself.

1. UM- Baltimore

Like any good District resident I bear a strong loathing for mortal enemies down I-95. If you’re from one city you pretty much have to hate the other, they’re so different and yet so close by. If you don’t hate one of them then you probably live in Columbia, in which case you do not matter.

2. Punter- NOLA

Punter: New Orleans, LA. I’ll get an NFL team in LA. Watch me. “Monday Morning Punter –Finishing What Katrina Started.”

Flubby: You’re crazy, New Orleans might be the best city in America.

Punter: I think pissing in the street is slightly overrated.

3. Flubby- Memphis

I would have taken Memphis even if I had the #1 overall pick.

Apartheid is alive and well in Memphis. All the whites of means packed up and moved to Germantown long ago, leaving a decaying husk of
a city behind.

Other reasons Memphis sucks: Mud Island is boring as hell. Dog tracks should not be patronized by civilized folk or anyone who purports to give a damn about dogs. The Peabody Hotel ducks. Not one but two deserted white-elephant arenas: the Pyramid and Mid-South Coliseum. Their minor-league baseball park is named after noted douchebag Tim McCarver. Libertyland: the OD’d over-the-hill porn star of amusement parks.

4. Ape- Cleveland

I know Matt is going with Pittsburgh with the next pick, so it’s tempting to pre-empt him with Seattle, but I’ve ceased to care about Seahawks fans, most of whom have stopped their whining by now. And, having never been to the Emerald City, it would seem foolish to condemn it. Besides, there are still far more clearly worthy of demolition.

Sienna Miller hates Pittsburgh as much as Captain Caveman. Plus she is hot.

5. Caveman- Pittsburgh

I had to think hard about this one, actually. Anyone from Pittsburgh with any kind of intellectual worth leaves the city (see also: Christmas Ape), so the public outcry from the diaspora of Yinzers (who eagerly fled the city) could make Pittsburgh an exceptionally annoying martyr. On the other hand, the destruction of Heinz Field, the Steelers, and the Pittsburghers most closely related to the genus Australopithecus would make it more than worthwhile.

6. Drew- Boston

And I’d take it #1 if I had the choice. Let’s see: cold, fuckface fans, shitty roads that don’t have matching entry and exit points, any number of pretentious jackass college students, the accent, Fenway fucking Park, Bill Simmons’ family, a completely misplaced sense of civic pride, and Legal Seafoods is a fucking ripoff.
BOOM!

7. Drew- LA (ed. note: not on Jack Bauer’s watch!)

It’s the Simmons sweep. It takes 45 minutes to get anywhere in that fucking town, and once you get there you are confronted with a bunch
of self-important douchebags who look right through you. Oh, and
actors in Hollywood are so easily offended that the
y had to hire Ellen
Degeneres – the comedian for people who don’t like comedy – to ho
st
the Oscars…

8. Caveman- St. Louis

A hundred years ago, St. Louis really was the “Gateway to the West.” Cross-country rail traffic had to go through the hub of St. Louis. And yet today everyone flies through O’Hare. Why is that? Well, I’m not entirely sure, but it may have something to do with the city’s population being smaller now than it was when it held the World’s Fair in 1904. See, not only did the rich white people move to the suburbs (like every American city), they even went so far as to re-draw county lines so their taxes wouldn’t help the black people. Great story, right? But hey, they go to church and cheer for those underdog Cardinals, they must be good people!

Fuck that piece of shit city. Miserably humid summers, cold-ass windy winters, Budweiser, goatees, and God-fearing pear-shaped people.

BOOM.

9. Ape- Houston

Any place that constantly, miserably hot and humid should have the decency to have at least some redeeming qualities. Instead, you have a spawling town of 2 million people with no culture, the most obnoxious rap scene in the country (I fucking hate Paul Wall), and monstrous economic disparity. Throw in Enron, Tom DeLay and the designation of America’s fattest city for a number of years and no wonder Lisa Novak went fucking nuts.

10. Flubby- Texarkana

Flubby started some long story about a road trip to Dallas involving a quest for beer (the statute of limitations has passed). Here’s the ending…

Finally arriving in Texarkana, we piled out of the van and raced into the gas station.
Imagine our dismay when the yokel counter jockey told us that there was, despite what we had been told by the theme from “Smokey and the Bandit”, there is no beer in Texarkana. “Dry county,” said the skinny kid in a Jackyl shirt . “But- but- Jerry Reed promised….” we sputtered to no avail. We slinked back to the van and rode the rest of the way to Dallas in dejected silence. Years later, I’m still bitter. That’s why I hate Texarkana. I can hold a grudge like a motherfucker.

11. Punter- Indianapolis

For reasons already discussed

12. UM- Dallas

As a lifelong fan of the Redskins I pretty much have to hate Dallas (but they make it so easy). Dan Snyder is reportedly putting an “I hate Dallas” clause in the season ticket contracts, oddly counterintuitive coming for the owner of Six Flags. Seriously though, Dallas fucking sucks. The airport is one giant godforsaken circle and all you can hear is some overly accented PA announcer that you just fucking know is wearing a cowboy hat.

13. UM- Columbus

It’s probably been said before (if not it should have been), but Ohio is the appendix of America. It hasn’t been useful for as long as anybody can remember but it’s always there just waiting to fuck up everything you’ve got going. Columbus is the epitome of the forsaken state. It’s filled with Buckeye lovin’ douchebags (sorry Punter) who almost make me not hate Michigan every damn day. Plus I’m jealous of their skills in botany.

14. Punter- DC

He’s just mad because I destroyed C-bus.

15. Flubby- Sioux Falls (a google search backs up flubby’s story that this is not a made up city)

As much as I would like to pick Greenville, SC solely to stick it to Punter over his Tony Mandarich-esque selection, I just can’t do that to the fine people of the Palmetto State.

Give me Sioux Falls, SD a depressing dingy cow-town spotted with incongruous shimmering skyscrapers home to multinationals taking advantage of the state’s predatory usury laws.

16. Ape- Orlando

It contains everything unlikeable about L.A.: relentless traffic congestion; nonexistent public transport; stupid, superficial people. However, it’s all tinged with white trash Florida values and milieu. Most of the terrible pop music you hear comes from Orlando. The public water smells like shit because it’s filled with sulfur and Disney controls everything. Before wising up and finishing my college career at Maryland, I spent my freshman year at UCF, when I still had delusions of being a film student. The 2000 election happened during this year and, despite being in the nexus of the crisis, no one I met in Orlando seemed to give a shit. But when Dale Earnhardt died months later, people were weeping in the streets. Even College Park has more charm than Orlando and that’s saying a lot.

17. Caveman- Staten Island

Detroit and Jacksonville definitely suck, but I’ve got nothing against them personally. I’m gonna take Staten Island as my final pick. Technically not a city, but it’s the cancerous dewlap of New York. It needs to be destroyed.

18. Drew- Atlanta

I need to take a major city to ensure I win the body count here. I want to be the Stalin of the group, not the Hitler. Plus, I’ve killed lots of annoying liberals already. Time to kill me some Georgian conservatives. Along with Atlanta’s shitass traffic, apathetic fans, and Ted Turner. Fuck Ted Turner. Also, I read the first 100 pages of Wolfe’s “A Man In Full” and it fucking sucked.

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