How Every Player On The Giants Roster Will Get Injured

06.05.15 2 years ago 28 Comments
GiantsInjuries

DrawPlayDave

The past few years have not been kind to the New York Giants health. 2013 featured the Giants as the most injured team in the NFL 91 games lost to injury by starters. It happens. Some team has to be the worst every year. Not even Giants fans were going to blame the injuries for the season being a disappointment. It’s bad luck.

Then 2014 happened, and again the Giants were easily the most injured team in the NFL. A lot of Giants fans are in denial and are still chalking it up to luck, but it’s hard to argue it’s only luck when your statistics are this awful. Via Reddit:

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Reddit

There is a lot of speculation as to why the Giants can’t stop getting hurt. Most of us have laid the blame on the strength and conditioning coaches or Jerry Reese’s propensity to bring in free agents with poor injury histories. Whatever the cause, things look bad. In OTA’s already this season the starting LT Will Beatty tore his pectoral muscle and will likely miss most of the season, maybe all. OBJ tweaked his hamstring. Larry Donnell is in a walking boot with “Achilles tendinitis”. Robert Ayers sprained his ankle. OBJ, Donnell and Ayers will probably be okay by training camp but it’s certainly not a good omen that things are changing for the better. You can feel the injuries just hiding in the bushes waiting to strike. This is a comprehensive list of what I fully expect to happen over the course of Training camp, preseason, and the first few weeks of the season.

Odell Beckham Jr.Madden Cursed
Victor Cruz – Will attempt to salsa after a preseason touchdown, takes a wrong step, entire left leg falls off.
Jason Pierre-Paul – The zipline camera swings too low and takes out JPP during a sack celebration, suffers several broken ribs.
Andre Williams – Keeps his head so low on runs that he runs into the wall and Gus Frerotte’s himself.

Shane Vereen –Knee ligaments magically vanish on a routine draw play in practice.
Steve Weatherford After surviving a car crash, a professional hitman, a collapsing building, falling off the 30th floor of a Manhattan apartment building and Godzilla’s flame breath all in one day. he walks into practice and falls into an open manhole.
Landon Collins – Changes his number to 21 in honor of his idol Sean Taylor. Goes home and gets shot by a burglar.
Rueben Randle – Spends such a long time in Coughlin’s doghouse that his muscles atrophy.
Ereck Flowers – The government mistakes the 6’6″, 330 lb lineman for a kaiju and the Pan Pacific Defense Force sends their best Jaegers to put him down.
Larry Donnell – Claims he wants to be known as “the Don”, gets hit by rival crime family.
Justin Pugh– Chokes to death after no one gives him the Heimlich because everyone thinks he’s just saying his last name over and over.
Markus Kuhn – Someone recognizes him on the street and he’s so flabbergasted he stumbles backwards into traffic.
Ryan Nassib – Gets bedsores sitting on the bench waiting for Eli to get hurt.
Prince Amukamara – Groin sprain caused by all the sex he’s having.
Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie – Sprains his wrist having to write out his full name too often.
Jon Beason – Literally every injury happens at once as he sits down for dinner.
Mark Herzlich – On a routine blitz his vertebrae fly in different directions.
Corey Washington – Catches about 17 preseason touchdowns but stays on the bench the entire year because he gave Coughlin some lip once.
Devon Kennard – Gets in a food fight in the team cafeteria and a stray tater tot detaches his retina.
Nat Berhe – Gets run over by the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.
Dwayne Harris – Has to play his former team (Dallas) in the season opener. Has identity crisis and goes insane.
Jay Bromley – Gives a high five so awesome his entire forearm explodes.
Damontre Moore – Was on the other end on the high five.
Weston Richburg – Is hunted by a mob for having a name too white to actually exist.
Johnathan Hankins – He hurt himself today
to see if he still feels
he focused on the pain
the only thing that’s real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but he remembers everything

Henry Hynoski – Gets to into trouble when poachers come after him chasing the rare “Hynocerous”.
Geoff Schwartz – Goes to shake hands with a friend and tears his tricep.
Preston Parker – Preston Parker picks a peck of pickled peppers and profoundly punctures his pancreas playing polo.
Will Beatty – Already dead with torn boob.
Robert Ayers – Is defeated by Mileena in Mortal Kombat, goes on IR with “eaten face”.
Owamagbe Odighizuwa – Suffers torn larynx telling people how to properly pronounce his name.
George Selvie – Concusses himself on a low hanging door frame.
Cooper Taylor– Does pull-ups after eating greasy fried chicken and falls off the bar and breaks his ankle.
J.T.Thomas – Doing a sweet kickflip on his skateboard but misses the landing and ruptures his spleen.
Jameel McClain– Is secretly Batman, keeps showing up to practice with random injuries sustained beating up criminals.
Josh Brown- Horrific juggling accident.
Chykie Brown– During an away game accidentally goes to the wrong hotel and sleeps in Death bed, the bed that eats.
Bennett Jackson– Watches the Entourage movie and has a brain hemorrhage.
Marcus Harris– Watches new new Mad Max movie and has a brain hemorrhage DUE TO AWESOME.
Johnathan Casillas– Makes a silly face but it gets stuck that way.
Daniel Fells– Goes blind and gets hairy hands from too much “personal time”.
Marshall Newhouse– Tears his Achilles tendon after getting his foot stuck in a toilet. Don’t ask.
Orleans Darkwa– Slips on a banana peel then gets hit with a red shell.
Chandler Fenner– Ends up on the Titanic after a comical mishap featuring a time machine and three craaaaazy college kids.
Cullen Jenkins– Real name is discovered to be John Connor, vanishes after big muscly guy keeps asking for him.

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