In response to repeated infractions on the field and a demonstrated disregard for our emphasis on safety, the National Football League has been forced to levy an unprecedented $100,000 fine on Detroit Lions defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh.
It has been the hope of the league office that a troublesome player’s behavior can be corrected through the standard protocol of disciplinary action. Unfortunately, it has become apparent that the prescribed methods of punishment are not getting through to Mr. Suh, thus necessitating the use of new measures.
Typically when a player is fined, the money collected goes to one of a variety of charities or retired player programs that the NFL supports. This way, the collection of the fine is not seen by the public as a means of making itself richer by simply taking from the players.
Pardon me for a moment.
[does a set of 50 unbroken squat cleans]
Where was I? Oh yes – typically the National Football League distributes fine money to a number of worthy causes so there is not the appearance of a conflict of interest.
This, however, this is an extraordinary case. One that is forcing us to break from procedure. The National Football League plans to invest the $100,000 from Mr. Suh into a program that will work to deter future offenders and eliminate the existence of repeat offenders.
How we will do this? Well, the league financial office has instructed me that $100,000 is more than enough money to purchase an entire city block in Detroit near Ford Field. Whatever dilapidated structures that currently exist there will be razed and the rubble mostly cleared.
In its place, a massive, gleaning NFL logo made of stainless steel will be erected. That’s right – Detroit, a city not long ago so beleaguered, will soon be home to the largest NFL logo in the world. Thanks to the NFL, once again a hurting city will rise.
Officially, it will be known as “The NFL Compliance and Lack of Liability Monument” though we are confident the name THE SHIELD will be a big hit informally with fans. Not only will The Shield restore hometown pride to Detroit, but it will serve as a stern reminder to fans and players alike that the NFL’s way of doing business is to be protected and cherished.
No player who sees this monument will be able to defy its grandeur and authority. Do so, and he will earn the contempt of a city and possibly a nation. The hatred would so fierce that fans might be compelled to act on their own and do harm to the player. No an endorsement. Just speculating.
Beyond just building the monument, the NFL is also taking this opportunity to launch NFL Protect60, an initiative that encourages our younger fans to get out of the house by spending 60 minutes each day protecting The Shield and calling the police if anyone gets too close or takes photos without permission.
Questions? Nope? That’ll be all, then. God bless.