How’s A Fella Supposed To Work This Dad-Blasted RGIII?

02.27.12 6 years ago 42 Comments

With the Rams looking to deal the second pick and a slew of teams interested in moving up to get RGIII, the time is ripe for smokescreens, each more deceptive and misleading than the last. Still, the consensus is that the Browns and the Redskins are the two major players if a deal is gonna get made. Not so fast, reports’s John Czarnecki, as it appears the Browns are now showing signs of disinterest in trading for the quarterback because “One of the problems is that Mike ‘Big Show’ Holmgren has never really done a trade of this magnitude and, two, his coaching staff remains confused on what to do with RGIII.”

Sure, that statement sounds ridiculous on its face, but these overheard comments in Browns team headquarters that were passed on to us should shed some light on their quandary:

“How do I turn him on? Is there a switch in the back or something? How many batteries does he require?”

“Do we play him at cornerback?”

“Can he handle clerical work? We do need office interns.”

“He’s really funny. Maybe there’s something we can do with that? Do we have a mascot or something?”

“He ran a 4.4? Remind me, how sure are we that he doesn’t kill dogs?”

“He’s a stick shift! I CAN’T DRIVE A STICK SHIFT.”

“Is it worth getting the HDMI cable for him?”

“Would he benefit from a staph infection of some sort?”

“Yeah, he’s got all of these newfangled features. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to slog through that user’s manual.”

“Do we use the whole grain mustard on him? Is that how you’re supposed to eat him?”

“What’s his Wifi password?”

“He can’t record three shows at once? Well then, he’s no good for my man cave.”

“Why won’t his clock stop flashing 12:00?”

“If he’s 3D, great, but I’m not wearing any stupid goggles to watch him.”

[Image via Shutterstock]

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