Bill: Okay, it’s Week 15 of the NFL and, as always, our dear friend Cousin Sal is with us. We have a game where, every week, we guess the lines of the week’s NFL matchups. And the loser has to buy the winner dinner at a very fancy Brazilian steakhouse that you folks in the audience are far too poor to be able to eat at. Isn’t that right, Sal?
Bill: Actually, we eat there every other night anyway. And Kimmel picks up the tab every time. Isn’t that GREAT?!
Sal: It is. God, remember the last time we went? I’m still full! I didn’t even realize you could have a meal that decadent!
Bill: Well, let’s get on to the lines. As you may or may not know. I am KILLING Sal this year. Just killing him. How far up am I, Sal?
Sal: I don’t know. You’re up by a lot.
Bill: Yes, but tell me the EXACT amount, so that I can get a mental image of it and then masturbate to it.
Sal: Let’s just get to the first game. New Orleans at Chicago.
Bill: Okay. I’m gonna say Chicago… (looks at newspaper)… by 3.
Bill: Did I get it right?
Sal: You nailed it. I said 2. I don’t know how you keep getting these right.
Bill: I know! It’s like I’m some kind of amazing psychic!
Sal: Okay, well you won that one. Next one is Green Bay at Jacksonville.
Bill: Okay. I’m gonna say Green Bay… (looks at newspaper)… by 2.
Sal: Jesus. You nailed it again. I said 3 1/2.
Bill: HOW GOOD AM I? I don’t know how I keep doing it! I’m in that Bird zone, Sal. Total Bird zone. I mean, aren’t you in AWE of my ability to guess random, meaningless betting lines?
Sal: You must be looking at a paper.
Bill: Oh, please. You know what Vegas should do? They should just hire ME to set the lines. I mean, I’m so good at it! Can’t we make this happen? Can we get a ruling on this? Why hasn’t this happened yet? I wish Vegas had lines on things like, “Odds the state of Nevada will eventually hire Bill Simmons to run its gaming commission.”
Sal: Okay, next up is Cleveland at Philly. Monday nighter.
Bill: Hmm. Tough to figure out this Philly team. I bet against them last week, and then they won. Which just doesn’t seem right. Very weird. I feel like it’s a real anomaly when something I predict doesn’t come true. Because everything I say just makes so much sense. I’m gonna say Philly… (looks at newspaper)… by 14.
Sal: God, will you stop?!
Bill: Did I nail it again? I NAILED IT YET AGAIN, DIDN’T I?!
Sal: Yep. I don’t get it. I said 13. How are you able to do this?
Bill: I don’t know.
Sal: Well, I don’t know why we keep doing this. You’re just SO GOOD.
Bill: What can I say? It’s a talent! What’s next?
Sal: Tennessee at Houston.
Bill: I like this Tennessee team. I’m gonna say… (looks at newspaper)… I’m gonna say that Vegas undervalues the Titans a bit here, and gives the Texans a bit more credit because of how they’ve done lately. I also think they’ll give Houston a little extra credit for Schaub’s performance. I’ll say Tennessee by fo… NO! NO, THREE AND A HALF!
Sal: Christ. You got it again. Good analysis. I said six. I mean, this is an incredible streak.
Bill: I feel like they should erect a bust to me in Canton for this. It must be the Welker jersey. I’m wearing the Welker jersey, and that just makes my picks that much more solid. What’s next?
Sal: Detroit at Indy.
Bill: Okay. Hmm. I’m gonna say… (resists urge to look at newspaper)… Well, I think we ALL know Indy is way overvalued. I mean, they’re just 15 plays away from being 0-13. Really, they just got lucky. They’re clearly not as a good as everyone thinks they are. I’m gonna say Indy by thr… (looks at newspaper)… You know, I think Vegas will overrate them just like everyone else does and say Indy by 17.
Bill: Unreal, right? I don’t know how I keep picking them right! I’m just a very special person! Say, what do we think of the new 90210? Can’t touch the original, right?
Sal: Next up are the Giants at my Cowboys.
Bill: Hmm. I’ll say Giants… (doesn’t look at newspaper)… by 3.
Sal: Okay, I got this one. It’s Dallas by 3.
Bill: (shocked) Really? That’s a weird line. That line is WRONG. That’s just the wrong line. My line was clearly better. I think Vegas just threw their hands up on that one. I think it’s obvious to anyone here that my line was right. I think Vegas got lazy on that one. Don’t you find it odd that Vegas has all these systems in place to set lines, but that they can get some of them so wildly wrong? You know what I bet happens? I bet the game closes at the line I predicted, and not that one. That was the problem with my pick there. It was TOO good.
Sal: Say, are you watching the games at Jimmy’s this week?
Bill: Sure am. I’m bringing House with me too. And we’re going to have more fun than anyone in the audience will ever to get have in their very small, meaningless lives. By the way. my buddy Gus has a theory about Rocky IV. Let’s have a discussion about that movie that exceeds its running time.
Sal: We still got games to pick. What are you, 5-1 so far? That’s unreal.
Bill: I know! I’m just dialed in! What’s the next one? (looks at newspaper)…