Wade: Hoo wee! That sure was one tight doggone game there. I tell ya, those pesky Bengals didn’t have any quit in ‘em! That’s the thing about this league. You just can’t take a darn thing for granted.
Well, I have a free second here. I think this would be a good time to get caught up on my dang email. Let me open up the ol’ Entourage here.
GAH! Oh, for Pete’s sake! Now, what could be so darn important that people gotta be emailing me round the clock? What’s this one here?
RE: FILL OUT YOUR FUCKING TIMESHEET, FATASS!!!!
A timesheet? Well shit, I ain’t filled out a timesheet since I worked at Bob Evans! Whose idea was it to bog me down with…
(door flies open)
Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW!!!! YEEEEEEEEHAW! GODDAMN YEEEEEEHAW! YEEHAW RIDE EM’ COWGIRL GREAT FUCKING BUCKING BRONCO ASSBLASTING PUSSY BANDITS! HOW THE HELL ARE YA, YOU GIANT FAT FUCK!
Wade: Oh, shit.
Jerry: Did you see what my boy ROMO did to those Cincinnati faggots? Didn’t I tell you my boy was a star? Didn’t I tell you that, you fat fucking creampuff diver?
Wade: I believe you…
Jerry: HE’S A GODDAMN SHININ’ STAR! And he showed those Ohio donut grazers just who the fuck is top dog! Fucking Chad Ocho Cinco. We sent that wetback right back to Guatemala… WHERE HE BELONGS!
Wade: Sir, I don’t think he…
Jerry: Shut up shut up shut up shut up. Did you get all my emails, Baby Ruth?
Wade: I was just catching up on that now.
Jerry: Son, at your weight, the only thing you can catch up on is the gross national butter consumption of Germany! I need you to fill out your fucking timesheets, Mount Gushmore.
Wade: Why do I have to fill out a timesheet? I have one job: coach.
Jerry: Oh, you think it’s so simple, do you? You big fat human moon bounce. “Duh, I’m just the daggone coach! Duh, I don’t know nuthin’ about how nuthin’ works! DUH, TIME FOR MY BACON INJECTION!” Certain aspects of your job have different billable hours and tax liabilities, you fucking blob. Open up the spreadsheet on the server and you can find the corresponding job number to each of your 750 different responsibilities. AND DON’T GO LOOKING FOR A “MAKIN’ S’MORES” JOB NUMBER, BECAUSE YOU DO THAT ON YOUR OWN TIME, FATASS!
Wade: (opens spreadsheet) CIN0187 – “Breaking Down Defensive Back Game Film”? There are thousands of these things! For every individual game! I dunno how much time I spent on any of this stuff!
Jerry: Probably because you were dreaming about a meatball sub while you were doing them! Listen Fatty, you know me. Normally, I don’t give an armadillo’s scroat about this paperwork. But since our star receiver started bitching about playing time, I need a goddamn paper trail. IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PAPER TRAIL, MR. BUTTERWORTH! Just open the one marked CIN08934.
Wade: “Time Spent Overly Trying To Get TO The Ball”?
Jerry: Just put all your hours on that. Then I can show my boy TO just how dedicated the goddamn Cowboys are to him! Then submit the timesheet for the 27 different e-signatures you need. We used electronic timesheets so you wouldn’t get Hershey’s Syrup on them!
Wade: Do I really have to do this?
Jerry: SHUT YOUR LARDHOLE! Everyone’s on board with this, Tom Fupa! You’re the only one dragging ass! You drag so much ass, it looks like the goddamn train of a wedding dress! Look at all the other model employees who filled out their sheets!
(door flies open)
Pacman: Yo yo. Pacman don’t see no jobby job number say he gon shine. Pacman ain’t down wid it. Pacman spent tizzay hours blowin’ up dem bubble butts. Pacman say ain’t no bubble butt leave da tub till da ducky go quackquack in dat azz.
Jerry: Adam, I told you! “Quackquack in dat azz” goes under “Personal”.
Pacman: Yo yo. What about flippin dem honeycakes? An’ running da flag up da bitchpole? An’ makin’ dat bitch walk da plank till she know she gon bob dem apples? An’ drizzlin’ tha sirrup till dat oil changed? Pacman down wid it. Pacman gon drank. Oh, he gon drank. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till dem pussycats get milkin’ the bizzy.
Jerry: All “Personal”!
Wade: Can I put all my stuff under “Personal” too?
Jerry: NO, KING GUT! DO IT FUCKING RIGHT!
Wade: Can’t someone do it for me? I just doubt that I or any of the other coaches have the time…
(door flies open)
Garrett: Mr. Jones! Ah, there you are! Here are your timesheets, on time as always.
Jerry: Why thank you, Princeton Boy!
Garrett: As you can see, I printed out a tabbed, color-coded Excel sheet, then cross referenced it with the electronic timesheet, to avoid any potential inconsistencies. I also went to Kinko’s and had the sheets bound for your convenience. I also set up a formula in the cells so that the hours are added automatically. This should save the entire franchise hours of time, which will translate to increased revenue across the board.
Garrett: Mmmm. Yes. Indeed. Could it be that some of us failed to get Mr. Jones his timesheets on time? Oh dear. It seems someone didn’t sweat the details. Which is shocking, given your avid fondness for perspiration, my good man.
Wade: Well, no wonder we underutilized Felix Jones against them pesky Redskins! You were busy being Mr. Bureaucrat!
Garrett: HOW DARE YOU. I was merely deploying a new offensive technique, called Threat Anticipation Consolidation. The less Felix gets the ball, the more a defense begins to worry about him eventually getting the ball.
Jerry: My God. That is GENIUS!
Garrett: Well, as you’ll see from my timesheet, it took quite some time to devise.
Wade: He’s full of beans! That’s just some fancy Princeton mumbo jumbo!
Jerry: Beats your ideas, gumbo jumbo!
Garrett: I also have a new idea in the works. I call it WILD DOG, and it involves a single wing formation where Felix can run OR pass the ball!
Wade: HE’S LYING! THAT WAS SPARANO’S IDEA! THE DOLPHINS HAVE RUN IT FOR TWO WEEKS NOW!
Garrett: Sir, I also went to the trouble of printing out YOUR timesheet for you, as well. But I did have a concern about one line item on it. You filled out 5 minutes in one line item. “SKAGGS09812 – Air Delivery”?
Jerry: Oh, never you mind that, Princeton Boy. That involved a bit of off-hours role playing. I played the role of Snopp Dogg. And my colleague Susan played the role of Mo’Nique. AND THAT PIECE OF TIXAS ASS DESERVED A GODDAMN OSCAR FOR HER WORK!
Pacman: Yo yo. You hit dat candy Delta-style? Pacman down wid it.
Wade: We gotta get ready for the Cardinals, sir. Who’s gonna take care of the team while I’m bogged down in this?
Garrett: Oh, I think I can fill your shoes, my ample friend. Provided those shoes don’t have any Sugar Daddies hidden in the soles.
Wade: You shut up!
Jerry: Quit arguin’ and fill out all 356 pages of your timesheet, fatass!
Wade: This sucks.
Jerry: YEEEE HAWWWW! I WANT YOU FILLING OUT TIMESHEETS UNTIL YOU’RE LEAKING WESSON, MAD FATTER! YEEHAW! WOOHOO!!!! I AM FUCKING ORGANIZED!!!!