I Got 99 Problems But a Long-Distance Girlfriend Ain’t One: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag

05.13.10 8 years ago 77 Comments

“I SAID don’t try to seduce me during the fantasy draft!”

Mailbag! Mailbag mailbag mailbag. This week we’ve got a virgin who’s getting closer to finally joining the cool kids’ club, a re-hashing of my bachelor party ideology, long-distance relationships, rolling the dice on not getting pregnant, and lots of keeper-league talk. Also, I’m mean to one of the readers. Again.

I’m sometimes surprised that people write in at all.

Football First: I’m keeping Chris Johnson, but I also have Andre Johnson and Ray Rice. I’m leaning towards Rice. What do you think? League is ppr.

I think you have an embarrassment of riches. And yes, Rice is the right call.

Sex: I recently moved for work,

Like, out of your chair? Ugh, what a pain in the ass.

/blogger disconnected from real life

and I’m now about 800 miles away from my girlfriend. Originally I told her we would do long distance until she could move up here in the summer. However, I hate long distance, and so we’ve taken a “break” at my request.

“‘Love is patient, love is kind…’ Hey! This book sucks!”

(And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the first time I’ve ever quoted the Bible while writing this mailbag.)

The girlfriend has made it increasingly clear that she doesn’t like this, and wants to be with me. She is, as my friends put it, 150% committed to my nuts.

Here’s the issue: I’m 24, she’s 23. We both love each other, and the move-in thing is kinda the next step for our relationship. She’s awesome (gave me my first 2 threesomes ever, loves sex (wants it daily), loves me, is very cool), and I would be open to moving in with her, since we’ve been together for almost 2 and a half years. However, she is applying to Medical School next year. If she gets into school it will likely not be in my current city, and I already know that I could not do long-distance for 4 years, then another 4 for her residency, etc. I don’t want to blow the next 9 months. If I’m in a relationship, I’m going to burn the “I’m new here, i’m just making new friends” card that allows you to meet new people (and women), and then she gets into medical school and I’m stuck back in the same situation.

Is it a good idea to say screw it, I’m 24, what’s another year? Or is it smart of me to be backing away now before the move-in craziness gets really serious?
Fucked Now, or in the future?

Let’s get this out of the way up front: you’re kind of a dick. Or maybe the better term is “pussy,” because “breaks” are for people who don’t have the balls (or the consideration) to break up.

Now, that’s nothing new or abnormal. There are plenty of perfectly well-adjusted and nice people who don’t have the sack to make a real decision, and so they do their best to maintain the status quo, neither ending the relationship nor truly committing to it. And that would be great — if there were Olympic medals for treading water or standing still.

Anyway, you raised a very complicated issue (your relationship, your career, your girlfriend’s preferred though uncertain path), and then you narrowed it down to two oversimplified decisions: you either do long distance for eight years or… what was the other choice? Lose the chance to meet new people because you won’t be new to the city any more?

If — and this is a big IF that only applies to mature people in committed relationships, which clearly you are not — two people are committed to each other, they find a way to make it work. I know people who have taken pay cuts to get a different job closer to their loves. Who have gone unemployed entirely. Who have only applied to schools that are near the other person in the relationship. People who have kept their relationship alive long-distance with Skype. What you’re really saying is that you like this girl enough when she’s convenient, but you don’t love her enough to commit to her. At least, that’s the impression I get from your email.

Dear KSK,
Sex – Getting married in two weeks and the soon-to-be-wife just took out her Marina (aka birth control). We were pretty jazzed about trying to have a kid right now but now it seems my groomsmen & friends are going to pitch in to send us on a cruise at the end of the summer, so the wife now wants to be able to get shitpants drunk on the cruise (who wouldn’t?), so we’ve decided to wait. Now I’ve been stuck with this question: Pull out or condoms? I’m probably going to favor pull out since I’ve never had to use a condom but how much does the condom negatively affect my enjoyment factor? I probably can’t parlay the pull out method into regulatory facials (bah!) but what’s the best to say “Hey, could I blow it in your mouth?” I’ve done it a few times before but I feel like a jackass bringing it up so I usually just forget about it.

Dude, if you’re about to get married, you need to be able to communicate a lot better in bed than that. If you can’t say “I want to come in your mouth” on your honeymoon, when will it ever be okay? And what’s with the obsession with facials? I’ve always preferred the tit shot myself. It’s less demeaning but still visually satisfying. And now I’ve shared too much.

Anyway, to answer your question: The best way to achieve what you want in bed is to ask her what she wants. “Hey, since we’re getting married, I want you to have the best sex of your life. What can I do that would really turn you on? Do you have any fantasies I can fulfill?” And then you listen politely and segue into getting her to swallow.

FF – Who would you rather have at QB this season: Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, Marmalard or Jimmy Clausen (I keed, I keed!)? Personally I take Rodgers but, then, I’m a Packer fan.
-Condomless on Cruise Ship

Yeah, I’d probably take Rodgers. I dislike Manning too much, and I won’t take Brady since he burned me the year he got injured. Given the pounding Rodgers took last season, Rivers might be more likely to stay healthy, but that’s just me talking out my ass. I have no statistics to make a convincing case for that.

Hey guys –
I’m trying to figure out how to make it over the hump in fantasy football this year. I’ve been a fairly consistent performer in our long-running league, but am always coming up short (though I usually make the four team playoff). My theory is to always get a stud RB and WR, add some solid speculation picks (like Forte two years ago, not like the first rounder I blew on him last year at #5) and aim for a second-tier QB in the second, third, fourth or later rounds. But with passing numbers continually going up, do I need to reconsider taking an elite QB much earlier? If so, how early is too early? Top 5, no go, but after that, go ahead?

It sounds like you’re too tied to a method that stems from conventional wisdom but has never served you all that well. Try to find a balance between drafting for need and taking the best available talent. No elite running back at #7? Don’t feel obligated to select some 30-year-old with the wheels coming off just because he’ll get most of the team’s carries (until he gets injured). Take Drew Brees or Andre Johnson. In one of my drafts last year, I picked up Tom Brady in the late second round, then Matt Schaub was by far and away the best talent available in the sixth round. I didn’t need another QB yet, but I was pretty happy I had him when he exploded with a career year.

Not a sex question per se (but boobs are involved!), but I’m the best man for a wedding, and more importantly, the bachelor party. Not my first rodeo (I’m married and have been a best man before), but I wondered if the collective wisdom of the KSK gang could share any advice on things to do or avoid, beyond the obvious. Clearly safe transportation is critical, as is a healthy does of alcohol, strippers and some recreational pharmaceuticals. Beyond that, and my need to stay relatively coherent, I’m open to suggestions.

I’ve talked about this in the mailbag before, but it’s worth re-hashing: as I’ve gotten older, more and more of my friends are scattered across the country, and I see them so damn rarely that I don’t want to go to a strip club with them. I want to sit around and drink whiskey and talk about shit and tell war stories. So the bachelor parties I go to often involve male bonding minus the titties: I’ve done paintball, poker nights, and dinners at steakhouses, and I always find that option more fun than wasting money on lap dances. Mind you, I very much enjoy wasting money on lap dances; it’s just not my preferred method for hanging out with my best friends any more. (This also stems from the fact that many of my friends find the idea of going to a strip club just before their wedding to be disrespectful to their soon-to-be wives. I’m inclined to agree.)

Which is not to say that having the typical strip club bachelor party is bad. And of course, it’s not one or the other: if you make a weekend getaway of it, you can have one night for poker and drinking whiskey, and the other for tearing up the town and going to strip clubs. But then, if I had a weekend getaway of a bachelor party, it would probably just be two nights of whiskey and hanging out. What can I say, I’m old and my friends are far away.

Hey guys,
Remember me? The 22 (Now 23) year old virgin with the super hot best friend that I went down on for all of 15 seconds (or as one commenter said, out the window of a moving car). Well suffice to say, you were right about the whole talk to a new girl, mention her and see what happens etc. We haven’t done the nasty yet, but since I mentioned talking to some random girl, we fuck around on the regular. Now the only problem I have (besides not putting my cock in her) is the fact that she isn’t willing to give me head. I’m more than willing to go down on her…ok who am I kidding, I love eating pussy, so it’s not that. It’s not like she hasn’t given head to guys before (she claims to like it) but she said as a result of a past experience with some jerk off, shes not really feeling it. I’m not about to push her or anything, but any advice on how to maybe make her feel comfy doing it to me?

Oh man. I can’t STAND people who don’t observe the quid pro quo of oral sex. I don’t know what to say, pal.

In a lot of ways, oral sex is more intimate than sex-sex, so you may have to go all the way with her before she feels comfortable going down on you. Or maybe she just doesn’t like you enough to go down on you, and that’s her way of making you not like her so you’ll stop calling. Or maybe there really was some jerkoff who messed up the experience for her, and she just needs time to build up trust with you. There’s no way to discern the truth via your email, and the only thing I can tell for sure is that she’s selfish and I hate her.

Football: My old high league of five years is doing a keeper league for the first time this year. We can keep anyone drafted after the 10th round or picked up via free agency (provided they were origionally drafted before the 10th round). My options are Miles Austin (obviously keeping him), Mike Sims-Walker, Vince Young, Donald Brown, Devin Aromashodu and Vernon Davis. Your advice is always appreciated.
Dry cock in Toronto

You’ve got some great options there. I think Vernon Davis is probably the best pick (saves you from that annoying tight end run that always happens in the 5th round), but Brown and Sims-Walker are both solid keepers under those rules.

Dear KSK,
I’ve combined both topics here (sort of). Last year I had sex during a fantasy baseball draft (I know, kick me in the nuts for playing fantasy). It wasn’t some crazy live draft orgy or anything, although that could be awesome. I told my girl I had to do this draft on the computer for awhile, and then she professed to me that she was really horny. I told her to sit tight, it should take just over an hour or something like that, and she got kind of flustered that this took precedent over her horniness. So I spent the next half hour or so explaining to her how it works while she countered that this is for nerds and I should be paying more attention to her instead. Eventually I agreed; I make it about a half an hour in before she has seduced me into not giving a shit about it anymore. I filled my picks queue and the computer autodrafted while banging her the rest of the evening. I looked at my team later that night and thought “Meh, good enough.”

I wish she would have been around to have helped me in fantasy football this year, but I got lucky in a different way by getting Brees and Chris Johnson in the first round. Wait that actually makes me sad to type that. Anyway my question to you is at what round is it safe to ditch the draft for poon? Is it just me or does getting sex during a draft put the fantasy in fantasy football? Have any other commenters enjoyed similar conquests?

Yeah, great story, Alex. Thanks for sharing.

Here’s the way I look at it: I only play fantasy football, and I don’t think I’ll ever play in more than two leagues. So that means there are two two-hour periods DURING THE ENTIRE YEAR where I need to be left alone on the computer. While I appreciate a horny girl who craves sex, part of me feels that that kind of woman is needy and selfish. Yo, give me two fucking hours to do this thing that gives me five months of happiness, then we’ll have sex, okay?

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