Well, well, well! I know you facks have been waiting all fackin’ summah with baited breath far this moment! Everyone out they-ah has been tahhhking about it. “Has Tawmmy made his decision yet? When is that fack gawnna make his decision? How’d he get tris like that? I do the tricep press every day, but Tawmmy still has the best triggahs south of Revee-ahh!”
(wears cutout sweatshirt in July)
Well, I’m hee-ahh today to tell you I have given this lawts of thawt! And aftah thinking it ovahhhh, and aftah slapping that camelfackah outside the Store-ah 24-ah, I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE! Bring out HouseO!
HouseO: Okay, so I’m here-ah to interview you about your-ah decision.
Tommy: I know! We’re-ahh spoofin’ that Dahhkie LeBrawn! NO ONE ELSE HAS BEEN CLEVAH ENOUGH TO DO THIS!
HouseO: (snickahs) So have you made your-ah decision?
Tommy: (snickahs) Why yes, HouseO. I have made my decision.
HouseO: (snickahs) When did you make up your-ah mind?
Tommy: (snickahs) This marnin’. WHILE I WAS LISTENIN’ TO CHEVELLE!
HouseO: (snickahs) Are you comfortable with your-ah decision?
Tommy: (snickahs) Why yes, I think I am.
HouseO: (snickahs) Does anyone else know about your-ah decision?
Tommy: (snickahs) Well, I would have told my mothah, BUT SHE’S A CUNT AND MY DAD HATES HER! HAHAHAHAHA!
HouseO: (snickahs) Are you 100% sure of your-ah decision?
Tommy: (snickahs) Oh, yes. 100%.
HouseO: (snickahs) Well, I think you’ve kept America waiting lawng enough, you troll-banging sack of fackin’ oystah cum. What is your-ah decision?
Tommy: (snickahs) Well, HouseO. I’m going to take my LEGENDARY ROOTING TALENTS TO FAWXBURROW FAR ANOTHAH YEAR-AH AND ROOT FAR THE PATS AGAIN!
(dry humps bar to get female bartender’s attention)
YOU FACKIN’ NEW YARK FAGGOTS CAN SUCK IT! YOU REALLY THINK I’D EVAH BECOME A JETS FAN? I AM LOYAL TO THE CORE-AH! Sure. I may have flirted with New Orleans. And I also thawt about rooting far Denvah this yea-ah. BUT I’M A LOYAL PATS FAN THROUGH AND THROUGH!
HouseO: Why return to the Pats this year-ah? They fackin’ let us down against Baltimore-ah in the playawffs. Any loyal Pats fan could see it coming and stayed away from the stadium that day. We knew it wasn’t the same. WE weren’t the same. Something was lawst that day. Maybe a pahhht of us awll. And Brady is an LA faggot now! WHY REWARD THEM FAR MEDIAWKRITY?
Tommy: I’ll tell you why, HouseO. Becawse everyone is sleeping on this team! No one is giving the Pats they-ah due!
(girlfriend still listens to Maroon 5)
HouseO: Ahhn’t most preview mags giving them 10 wins and a spawt in the…
Tommy: NO ONE BELIEVES IN THIS TEAM! AND YOU SLEEP ON OW-AH FOOTBAWLL PEDROIAHS AT YOUR-AH RISK!
(boasts of having large TV in “man cave”)
How many times have Billy B and Tawmmy B come through when people doubted them? EVERY TIME! And even when they came up shart, it was bullshit! How many Supah Bowls has this team clearly deserved? Eight? Ten?
HouseO: I’d say at least nineteen.
Tommy: NINETEEN! I could’ve stawpped rooting far this team in 2010, HouseO. I could have given up and nawt renewed my tickets. I would have been totally justified in doing that. As someone who chee-ahhhed this team to three titles, I’VE EARNED THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE, NAWT UNLIKE A VETERAN FREE AGENT.
(makes sure Blackberry screen is visible to all while Blackberrying)
But I chose to stay. Becawse I’m loyal. And, mar impartant… BAWSTON NEEDS THIS. It needs my suppaaht. It needs me to be hee-ah when the chips ahhh down! And they ahh down! No city has endured what we’ve had to endure over the past three yee-ahs!!! The Bruins choked! The Sawx fackin’ sack! And then the gawddamn C’s get shit on by the fackin’ refs in the Finals!
What did Kobe shoot? Six far twenty-fahhh? THAT IS NAWT A LEGIT TITLE! YOU SHOULD NAWT BE ALLOWED TO WIN A TITLE WHEN YOU SHOOT LIKE THAT! Kobe Bryant is just a lucky sack of rapist dogshit. HE’S A DAHHKIE ASSRAPAH! He is a wop dahkie David Tyree! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(dips and smokes at the same time)
Oh, these ahhh dahk dahk times far us, HouseO. Dahhkah than Moolie Mookie Wilson! Awll ow-ah teams have become shitty and taken ow-ah suppart fahhh granted. And just once, just fackin’ ONCE, I would like to root fahhh a team that gets cawlls from the refs. The refs have it in far us! IT’S SO OBVIOUS! THEY RESENT THAT BAWSTON HAS GREAT TEAMS AND A STRANGLEHOLD ON THE AMERICAN LATE NIGHT TV COMEDY WRITING INDUSTRY!
(promoted to head writer of SNL despite not being funny)
A fackin’ losah New Yark fan would turn tail in this time of crisis. But NAWT me. I’m going to stick to my huge, huge guns, and root fahhh ow-ah Greatriots once again! Although this is just a one yee-ah cawntract. If they fack it up this time around, I’m gone by Week 8!
HouseO: So yar stayin’ with the Pats?
Tommy: That’s right. The Pats ahhh like Mahk Wahlberg. He may make a shitty movie once in a while, but everyone in Hawllywood secretly knows he’s the toughest fackah out they-ah!
HouseO: Oh, speaking of Hawllywood, did you see the trailah far “The Town”?
Tommy: OW-AH HOOD IN QUINZEE IS JUST LIKE THAT! FACKIN’ WELKAHHH TOUGH!
HouseO: GO PATS!
Tommy: UNLESS THEY SACK! I GAWT A FEELIN’ ABOUT CHAD HENNE AND MIAMI THIS YEE-AH!! I like the way Mahhhshall hits dahkie girls with bricks! THEY AHH MY SLEEPAH TEAM!