I’m Never Ready for Thursday Night Games: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag

11.17.11 6 years ago 34 Comments

Gahhhh! Thursday Night Football! The bane of the lazy fantasy football player. “What? Broncos-Jets in 30 minutes?!!? Dammit, I forgot that’s tonight!!!”

/desperately changes lineup on smartphone

Thank God I had the sense to put Michael Bush in my lineup at the last minute last week. This week, the mailbag addresses if Tebow’s worth a start tonight (I say no), horrible trades, general tips for talking to girls, man-boobs, and more. Read on.

Dear KSK,
Fantasy first: In my PPR league, I’ve kept Ben Tate on my bench waiting for Arian Foster to reinjure himself but after his 12 carry, 115 yd, 1 td game I flipped him for Mike Williams (TB). I made the deal because I couldn’t imagine ever having the stones to start Tate, but I could use Mike Williams in the flex once or twice before season is through. Everyone says I’m crazy – what sayeth you?

I’ll try to answer this as rationally as possible. Are you fucking INSANE? That’s a HORRIBLE trade! Not only did Tate follow that 115-yard/TD performance with 63 yards and another TD against Tampa Bay, but now Matt Leinart is going to be starting, which means the Texans are going to be running EVEN MORE behind their insanely effective offensive line. And you made the trade while Andre Johnson was on his prolonged injury hiatus and the Texans were running like crazy. In my .5-PPR league, Tate is averaging 10 points a game, with three of his five 10+ point performances coming when Foster starts.

In that same PPR league, Mike Williams is averaging 6.4 points per game, with 9 drops and one touchdown all season. A PPR league! And the running back you gave up is 50% more valuable than the wide receiver you got!

Listen, you seem like a nice person, so don’t take this the wrong way. You are awful at fantasy football.

Sexing: In general, is it better to be forward – “hey, I like you” – or play it cool and just make a move after some flirting and drinks when trying to elevate a “friendship” to sex. I’ve known the girl in question for a couple years but have only become closer (not necessarily “close”) this past summer when she was home for a couple weeks. She’s out in grad school now, 5 hours away, and said she was looking forward to us hanging out when she came back for break. We’ve chatted online and texted a handful of times per month and while she hasn’t given any signs that I’m in the friendzone, it’s also not obvious to me that she wants the sex.

Okay, I’ll try not to let your fantasy ineptitude dictate my answer.

When speaking generally in conversation, she and I have both stated we’re against long distance relationships, so that not an issue here. I’m definitely going to make a move, so I’m just looking for tips on how to take things to the next level with someone you’ve known for awhile but aren’t exactly super close friends.
Warm Regards,
Tate It Or Love It

So your question is should you be upfront about liking a girl, or should you play it cool? Two things keep me from giving you a precise answer here. (1) This is about as general as a question can be, and (2) it depends on the woman.

It’s a great big world out there, and women populate it with Catch-22s. Women like a man who’s mysterious; women like a man who states what he wants. Women want a man to want them; women want men they can’t have. It’s maddening. WHAT THE FUCK YOU IDIOTS JUST CRAVE SEX LIKE US.

I don’t know what the right approach with the girl you like is, except to be confident. If you’re going to come out and say, “Hey, what’s going on with us? I like you,” then don’t say it with uncertainty or a quavering voice. If you’re going to play it cool, play it GENUINELY cool — as in you seriously don’t care if she hooks up with you. Whatever route you choose, the one that will be most attractive to her is the one where you’re a self-assured adult.

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Dear Ufford, or whoever is covering the mailbag this week,
Fantasy first: Before the Week 3 games I sent Marques Colston and Dwayne Bowe to my buddy for Daniel Thomas and a season’s worth of ridicule. At the time I needed running back help and had depth at WR (Fitz and V-Jackson). In hindsight though, how terrible was this trade? I basically lost my primary flex options.

That’s worse than the Tate for Williams above. Why did you give up TWO proven quality receivers for a single rookie running back on a lousy team? The only way this is a good trade is if you’re in a keeper league and you can keep Thomas for a 10th-round pick and he turns out to be awesome next year. And if Marques Colston dies next week.

Sexy time: Met a girl. Like the girl and know that the girl likes me. I’ve had problems coming on too strongly in the past, so I’m making a concerted effort to play this one cool. But GD, this is like disarming a nuclear weapon or something… further complicating things is I’m getting differing advice from people on how to effectively play the “I like you, but I can’t let you know I like you too soon” game. Any basic rules/advice you can share?
-Alex Smith becomes a real QB

It would help if I knew how old you are. Playing it cool BEFORE you’re even going out with someone sounds like something you do in high school. As an adult, if you like a woman, you just ask her out. She either says yes or no. Boom, done.

Now, I think there’s a certain amount of playing it cool that happens AFTER the courtship becomes official with a date. You don’t want to send more than two consecutive texts without a response, you want to take her on a nice date but not TOO nice, stuff like that. Later on, you don’t want to rush across the meeting-the-parents bridge, and if you get to the point where you want to say “I love you” to her for the first time, stop and make sure you haven’t just had sex with her, because that’s the endorphins talking. I’d say those are the big ground rules.

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Hey guys,
Fantasy: RB situation, do I start Willis McGahee (vs NYJ) or LeGarrette Blount (@GB)? – using traditional scoring.  I can’t trust McGahee’s injury situation but neither can I trust Blount with how hot the Packers have been.

That’s an ugly choice. I’d go with Blount, though. McGahee’s questionable, and a Thursday game against a tough defense doesn’t give much hope for any kind of worthwhile performance. And while Blount will likely be limited by the inevitable insurmountable Packers lead, he at least has the upside of scoring a touchdown if the Bucs get some goal-line downs.

Sex: Since my last submission (two mailbags ago) I’ve been able to at least act somewhat confidently around women – reading from the comments and your response to “The one who never gives up!” from the last mailbag – resulting in some at least feeling more confidently around girls I’ve never met or barely know when I hit the town (hopefully someday that wil pay off…preferably ASAP).

On the dating side, I’ve noticed all the girls I know either have a boyfriend/fiance/husband or aren’t interested in me. The few guy friends I have on campus either haven’t offered help or aren’t connected well enough to help.  Should I ask those I know for help (and how?)?  Do you think it’s worth it trying to work on the girls that I see at least twice-3x a week that will smile at me (say, those working the sign-in for the weightroom or taking tickets at basketball games)?
Signed,
I didn’t become a Mechanical Engineer for the women

So EVERY woman you know is either attached or not interested, AND your friends can’t/won’t help you meet girls. Way to live the college dream.

Since your friends suck, take matters into your own hands. Now, the gym sign-in girls and ticket-takers are SUPPOSED to be friendly. You can gauge their interest by engaging in a little small talk. Nothing cheesy or over-the-top, just a brief conversation. If she holds eye contact or laughs at something that wasn’t particularly funny, that’s a good sign she might be interested. I recommend chatting the sign-in girl on the way into the gym, then if it goes well ask her out as you leave after your workout. You’ll be all pumped up with testosterone and full of confidence. “Hey, I’m sorry to bother you again, but do you want to go out some time? I promise to shower and wear something besides gym clothes.”

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy: I am in a 12-team league that is about to start the playoffs in week 12. I am #1 in points in the league, but at 4-6, I may not make the playoffs. I can still make it if I win, and one of three teams 1 game ahead of me loses, as I will have the points tie-breaker.

Oh, but a few days ago, the commissioner changed the tie-breaker to being head-to-head instead of points, as it had been all season. I objected to this, but was denied. It is interesting to note that the commissioner is also 4-6 and has a head-to-head edge over me, but I have the points edge. Adding to my slim chances of making the playoffs is that there is now a plot for three people to throw their games against the three people ahead of me, to prevent me from making the playoffs, with one of the three currently projected to make the playoffs offering them a share of his winnings.

First, is there any rationale to having head-to-head as the tie-breaker? Because I see none. Second, what sort of punishments do these people deserve?

Yes, there’s a rationale: it’s the same one the NFL uses. But given the mercurial way fantasy football can screw people in head-to-head matchups, total points is a much better tie-breaker. What if your best two players were on bye during your head-to-head matchup, or your WR1 was a last-minute scratch on Monday night? That’s hardly representative of your fantasy team’s worth in making the playoffs.

Second, your commissioner should be put to death. I’m not kidding. Not only is it unforgivable to change league rules like that mid-season, but to do it so that he can collude his way into the playoffs is a sign that he’s a shitweasel with no sense of right and wrong.

Now, the people throwing games to keep you out of the playoffs? That’s kind of awesome, and I encourage that kind of cruelty. Laying down to screw someone over isn’t cheating, it’s magnificently cold-hearted gamesmanship, and while I wouldn’t do it myself, I can respect that kind of trolling. But your commissioner? I hope he gets stabbed by a Filipino hobo and left to die in the street while uncaring passersby step over him on the way to work.

Sex: My fraternity brothers and I are all getting to the age where people start getting hitched every other weekend. It has become a fraternity tradition for me to be sexiled at the hotel. This past weekend I was at a wedding, and was amazingly not sexiled, which violates tradition. We are wondering whether the tradition of marriage supersedes this fraternity tradition, since not all of us are the same religion, but the groom was in our fraternity. Is the wedding still valid? Does my friend need to get married again and again and again until I am sexiled?
-Clay

1. This is a silly and pointless question.

2. Stop saying “sexiled.”

3. Pony up for your own hotel room, and bring a date to the wedding.

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Dear CC,
I have no fantasy question, so I was hoping to ask you a health question instead.

Sure, that makes perfect sense. The “health and sex mailbag” is a perfect fit for a pro football blog.

Health: I moved to Japan in July, fresh from graduating college, to take up a position teaching in a small town. I have been overweight/obese since I was a young teen due to laziness and a poor diet, things that have largely been rectified since coming here. My diet has changed considerably (it would be even better if I learned how to cook), and I hit the gym three times a week in addition to the other stuff I do. I’m still obese by BMI standards (I have lost somewhere between 30-40 pounds and should be losing more, since I’m doing even more now). I have pretty severe body image issues. I am being forced to confront this in about two months; I will be making my debut as a member of the local taiko (drum) group. For the finale, the men go on stage with nothing over the torso but a cloth wrap around the gut. So I need to ask. While I know that spot reduction is BS, is there a magic method to reducing man-boobs? I really would rather not mortify the audience if at all possible.

So the mansierre’s not an option, huh?

So your man-boobs are just stored fat, right? In order to burn fat, you have to burn more calories than you consume, so the only fix is a combination of diet and exercise. The best fat-burning workouts are anaerobic/metabolic conditioning exercises, like interval training and CrossFit workouts. Supplement those with pectoral exercises like push-ups to start giving your chest some muscle definition.

The other side of equation: diet. The fewer carbohydrates you consume, the more fat your body will have to burn for energy. Cut out grains and alcohol (or at least beer), and try to limit yourself to lean meat and fresh fruits and vegetables. You’re in the right country to do it, you just have to order sashimi instead of sushi.

There is no magic solution (unless you have an in with a plastic surgeon), but with discipline and hard work, you can go a long way to changing your body in two months. Congrats on the weight loss so far; I’d recommend consulting with a respected dietician and/or fitness professional as you move forward.

Sex: I know the usual advice regarding dating coworkers is “don’t” but I work at the Board of Education for my town, and teach at every school. I have eight schools to cover, which means that I see every school about twice a month (some schools are much bigger than others and ask me to come around more often). The lady in question is the dietician at one of my smaller schools.

Hey hey! You totally have a reason to talk to her!

She’s new, young, and attractive, and I’d like to give it a go, but I figured I’d ask for a second opinion vis-à-vis the coworker thing.
Thanks,
That Taiko Guy

I feel like your job gives you enough variety that even if it blows up in your face, you won’t be stuck in a meeting with her every day. I say go for it. And if she says no, try again after your man-boobs are gone.

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Ufford,
FF first — I have a flex spot open this week. Should I start Tony Gonzalez v. ten. or Reggie Bush v. buffalo? Standard scoring league.

Listen, I hate Reggie Bush as much as the next fantasy owner, but I think he’s the slightly better play. While both of your players have good matchups — Tennessee is 6th-worst against TEs, Bufflalo’s 7th-worst against RBs — Bush has been something resembling hot lately, and seems to be a better option by virtue of position. As a running back, he’s due to get more touches, and more touches means more opportunities to gain yards and score touchdowns.

Sexy time– Congratulations on the engagement. I’m recently engaged as well and we are going to spend our honeymoon at a French beach resort. I’ve always wanted to go to a clothing optional beach with my soon-to-be wife, but she is a little shy about exposing her body. If it makes her uncomfortable, is the idea even worth exploring? If so, any thoughts on how to get her to embrace the idea of possible sunbathing sans bathing suit? Thanks for your help.
Sunburnt in Sudbury

I feel you, man. A lot of people may read your question and say things like, “She’s your wife and you can see her boobs any time, why do you want to show them off to the public?” And the answer to that is BECAUSE TITS ARE AWESOME. Who cares who else sees your wife’s tits? You’re on vacation. You’ll be all, “Go ahead and have a look, world, my hands are gonna be all over those in two hours.”

Oh wait, are you talking about a FULLY nude beach? Ugh, that’s disgusting. Keep it in your pants, pervert.

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Dear Caveman,
Football first: Big Ben is off this week and I have the unenviable task of deciding between Fitzpatrick (@Mia) and Tebow (vs. NYJ) as my bye-week fill-in. What should I do? Go with my head and take the Harvard Grad or bow down and pray that the second-coming of Christ runs the single-wing offence to the fantasy promise land?

An admission: I picked up Tebow in my 16-team league after both my QBs went down, and there was no other starting QB on the waiver wire. And I have shamelessly started him and cheered him on and enjoyed his excellent fantasy numbers. Who gives a shit if he only completes two passes, as long as one of them’s a touchdown and he’s running for another one.

That said, I think ol’ Fitzmagic’s the better play. Miami has given up the 5th most fantasy points to QBs this season, while the Jets defense, in my mind, seems tailor-made to stop Tebow. Granted, I’m a simpleton who doesn’t understand the intricacies of NFL playbooks (much like Tebow in that regard), but I have to think the Jets are going to put their shutdown corners on the wide receivers in single coverage and stuff eight or nine men in the box. I don’t like that matchup for Tebow at all.

Sex next: I’ve been dating a girl pretty seriously for the past few months and the subject of my past often comes up. I don’t mind talking about my single lifestyle before her because it really doesn’t matter what happened. The only problem is that there is a significant amount of time in the middle of our relationship where we went our separate ways. In the beginning we were pretty casual, not exclusive at all. Then school ended and we decided to part ways for the time because we would be in different cities. We never really said we would wait or even get back together. For the next two months I played the single game and it just so happens that we actually did end up together and began the serious relationship we’re in now. My question is, how much disclosure is full disclosure? For instance should I tell her the week before we started dating seriously that I nailed a classmate’s sister at our graduation ceremony or just keep my mouth shut about those two months all together?
Thanks,
Sexual Fantasy Conundrum Guy

Oooohhhhh, I do not like this one bit. I had a girlfriend who constantly grilled me about my past, and all it did was make me check out of the relationship. It was like she viewed any woman I’d ever been as competition, and she would never be satisfied until she belittled every previous relationship and made me feel shitty about me having the temerity to have sex with women before meeting her. It was like dating Joe McCarthy. “What other ‘friends’ have you slept with?”

Not that I’m saying YOUR girlfriend is that bad — I sincerely doubt that — but you should be aware that it’s something that can snowball out of control. You need to find the right balance between honesty and disclosure. In this case, full disclosure probably isn’t the best idea, but you shouldn’t be dishonest, either. At the same time, your girlfriend needs to meet you halfway and respect that who you dated when you two weren’t broken up isn’t her business (at least beyond the concern of STDs, which should be resolved by now). And if she thinks that it IS her business, you might want to reconsider how serious you are about that relationship.

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Honorable sir-
Fantasy: I’m in second place in a 12-team league to a team that features Aaron Rodgers, Matt Forte, LeSean McCoy, and Megatron. So I’ll need to pull a massive upset in the week 16 championship game. Are there any guys who you think will blow up during the fantasy playoffs who I can target now before the trade deadline?

No. You’re going to lose.

However, there are two great matchups in Week 16 you might be able to exploit. The execrable Browns will be visiting Baltimore, while the Rams are in Pittsburgh, so maybe you can jigger a trade to get one of those defenses and hope they score three touchdowns. Maybe if you have Ray Rice, you’ll have a shot. Maybe Ed Dickson can repeat his two-TD performance in Seattle. Also, if Emmanuel Sanders hasn’t worked his way back into the Steelers offense, you can probably get Antonio Brown for a song — he was a popular target for Roethlisberger in the Bengals game last week.

Sex: Moved in with my girlfriend awhile back, and it’s great. She’s funny, smart, and great to have around. However, she’s in grad school, and she works from home most days. Because of this, she ends up sitting around the apartment studying all day in sweats. Long story short, our apartment isn’t exactly the Playboy Mansion right now, and our sex life is correspondingly blase. In your estimable view, what can I do in order to get us out of our sexless sweatpants purgatory?
Warm regards,
Sir Francis Drake

As someone who works from home, I understand your girlfriend’s (and your) plight. My fiancee comes home to me in ratty shirts, hair messed up, holey jeans (while she favors wearing a particular pair of sweatpants herself). We’re both busy: I work longer hours than most would think, she has to go to bed early because she’s a teacher, and there’s always dinner to make and a wedding to plan and bills to pay. But if we were busy boning all the time, the apartment would be in shambles and the dog would never get walked.

So it’s hard to keep things sexy, but not impossible. Maybe she’s not dressed as sexy as you might like every day, but how often do you come home with flowers in hand? These things go both ways, you know. Of course, it can only help if you talk openly about spicing up your home life (gently, that is — “Hey, be more sexy” won’t get the job done). Other than that, there are plenty of little things you can do. Take advantage of her being fresh out of the shower — she’s already naked! Attack that ass! A designated date night (or nights) every week certainly helps, and I’m always a proponent of the gift of lingerie. (Lingerie! The gift for her that’s really for you!) And hey, you live together: go ahead and have sex on the couch or the living room floor. No one’s gonna walk in on you, so live your life that way.

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