Get an all-access pass to exclusive insider NFL content with the new official monthly publication of the NFL! Each month, NFL MAGAZINE provides insight about the game that cannot be found anywhere else, with the exception of our gracious broadcast, print and online media partners. You’ll go behind the scenes. Not so far behind the scenes to where things get uncomfortable. No one likes that. We’re talking a gently guided tour to an area just behind the scenes where things are still tightly regimented and nothing gets out of hand. You’ll like it; it’s nice. Subscribe now for 12 issues over one year. If there’s another lockout, we promise not to bill you for those months!
Read on for a peek at the fantastic NFL content crammed into the first issue.
“GLORY TO TEBOW IN THE MILE HIGHEST”
Our inaugural issue cover story celebrates Tebowmania! It’s the new Hulkamania! It’s The New New Testament! It’s the reason for the season! He’s winning the Iowa straw poll. ABC wants him to be president. He has a beer that sounds vaguely Jewish. Lindsey Vonn is hanging out in his pants for some reason! Is it too early to suggest that Tebow is bigger than God? Is Tebowing Tebowism actually a polytheist religion in which Tebow is multiple gods all at once? This would explain his doing everything at once for the Broncos.
SIDEBAR: “ARE YOU A HATER?”
Telltale signs that you might be a hater. Have you not bought your officially licensed Tim Tebow jersey and Tim Tebow Tebowing Fathead? Have you not renounced any preexisted belief system and pledged your life to defending Runslinger faith? What’s the holdup? Too busy HATING? Already blew through your monthly income purchasing hate tracts full of hating statistics for haters? Are you one of those people so consumed with hate that seeing others find joy in the salvation of their sport? Are you that small? That petty? Is life for you so devoid of basic human compassion that you must ruin for others the joy you cannot possess? Here is a child in a Tebow jersey. You tell him there’s no Tebowmania. Bet you’ll feel real big.
You tell us if you’ve spotted any YouTube accounts committing copyright violations against the NFL and we spring into action!
FROM THE DESK OF THE ROG
In his monthly column, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell takes a break from staggered push-ups to be outwardly amused by the state of the NBA post-lockout. Vetoed trades! $7 million for Kwame Brown! 5 years, $67 million for Nene! Ho ho, too rich!
“WHAT’S DEMAURICE SMITH GOT TO HIDE?”
We ask the pressing question. Well, what is it? What’s under that hat, DeMaurice? If we had to guess, we’d say HGH! No surprise why we can’t test the players like you said we could. Graphic insert: a history of iniquitous acts by the NFLPA.
“YOU KNOW WHAT MOVIE I’D LIKE TO SEE? WAR HORSE!”
Six NFL superstars express their desire to see the holiday season blockbuster. poorly marked special advertising section
“GO SCREW, TIME WARNER CABLE”
A tastefully decadent photo essay by Annie Leibovitz of families blissfully enjoying NFL Network Thursday night broadcasts.
HOW DOES A PAKISTANI OWN A TEAM BEFORE A BLACK GUY?
Special online-only column from Jason Whitlock that someone will have to e-mail him the link so he can tweet it.
40-PAGE NFL SHOP INSERT
Sideline hats! Each more atrocious than the last!
Short story by Margaret Atwood. A harrowing tale of the lengths a man was forced to go to to watch his beloved Bengals when the team was once again blacked out on local television.
“WHEN MEN WERE MEN AND CONCUSSIONS WERE JUST HEADACHES”
Mike Ditka recalls the time a teammate’s head separated clean from his body. “The guy rubbed dirt on it and plopped it right back on his neck. Missed one snap, tops. He never uttered a word about it, either. Back then, if you tried to complain about an injury, we ripped out your voicebox with our teeth while making boar sounds. Called it throat bacon. Bill Romanowski knows what I’m talking about. And lemme tell you, the world was better for it.”
“JAMES HARRISON: UNCONSCIONABLE MONSTER WHO MUST BE STOPPED AT ALL COSTS”
He hits people in the head! Where did he learn that? And what if he did it to Tebow? Or your children? We want to ban him from the league, but DeMaurice Smith won’t let us!
“WILL THE BUBBLY BURST?”
A French vintner despairs that the sales of his most obnoxious champagne will plunge if the ’72 Dolphins are no longer able to celebrate being the only perfect team.