It’ll Be a Flippin’ Sweet Start to Your Baby’s Life

06.01.09 9 years ago 29 Comments

Hey, this is Eli “Ben 10: Alien Force’s biggest fan!” Manning. Looking for a flippin’ sweet place to have your kid once you do whatever it is that causes babies to become real? Well, me and MY NUMBER ONE MAIN SQUEEZE Abby have decided to open our very own birthing center. Abby said one day we might have to play Mommy and Daddy together for real, so what better way to put in a good word with Mr. Stork than opening a birthing center/Chuck E. Cheese franchise right here in New York?

So why should you come to us instead of having the kid in your bathtub? I mean, doyyyyy. It’s so obvious. Check it out.

  • Special landing pads on the roof for storks!
  • Best care for your mommy’s tummy, which got big even though a giant bird brings the baby. Which is, like, really flippin’ weird when you think about it.
  • Most action figure filled waiting room ever!
  • Waterslide deliveries!
  • We’re jam packed with football lollies! Now with awesome creamsicle flavor!

  • You can force a trade of your baby if you don’t like it
  • All our nurses faint at the sight of blood, so you don’t feel like a big ol’ chicken if it happens to you
  • Tom Coughlin on staff as special screamy birthing coach
  • Race car beds in the nursery, natch
  • Epidural? Never heard of him, but we got all the Transformer dolls, so he’s gotta be in there
  • The gift shop no longer carries Plax dolls, but they have a new line of plush Hakeem Nicks.
  • Entire hospital filled with priceless antiques, picked out by me and MY MOMMY, even the medical equipment! Look at those old calipers go!
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