Hey, you! Tired of BORING, OLD SCHOOL NFL football? Sick of pointless and arbitrary roolz like touchdowns being worth only six points, and teams not getting their full complement of 37 timeouts per half? THEN GET READY TO JOIN THE MCNABB RULES REVOLUTION! With Eagles quarterback and former “Biggest Loser” champion Donovan McNabb! His new McNabb Rules Football spinoff game is the hottest new sports innovation since Slamball!
Donovan: I wanted to design a new school football game that would appeal to fans in today’s fast-paced world. I wanted a game that kept the spirit of original football, but one that was FAIRER. That’s why I developed these news rules for my McNabb Rules Football League, and I think you’ll agree that they represent a vast improvement over your traditional NFL product.
AND THEY ARE! CHECK OUT THESE JAMMIN’ NEW ROOLZ THAT MAKE OLD FOGY NFL FOOTBALL LOOK STUPID AND GAY!
OLD RULE: Bounces passes: ILLEGAL
MCNABB RULE: Bounces passes: LEGAL. Quarterback credited with assist.
Donovan Says: “In basketball, the point guard is applauded when he executes a crisp, fundamentally sound bounce pass. I don’t know why we can’t have the same rule in football. It seems like it would really work.”
OLD RULE: Only two challenges per game
MCNABB RULE: Unlimited challenges!
Donovan Says: “Coach Reid said he would challenge every play if he could. Even if it’s obvious on replay that the call was not in your favor, it’s still worth challenging the play on the off chance the officials decide to overturn it. You never know what they’ll see. Matt Millen agrees with me on this.”
OLD RULE: Ties!
MCNABB RULE: No ties! Overtime winner chosen based on dignity!
Donovan Says: “If you played a game to a virtual standstill, I think that the winner should be chosen by a blue ribbon panel of some of our greatest thinkers. I think showing dignity in the face of adversity, and withering and totally unjustified fan criticism, should be worth something. I try and keep an air of dignity and nobility out there on the field. I’m hoping one day it will land me a supporting role in a Clint Eastwood film of some sort.”
OLD RULE: Field goals worth three points
MCNABB RULE: TBD!
Donovan Says: “To be frank, I didn’t realize that field goals were worth that much. I thought you got an extra fifth down on the next series if you made one, which makes FAR more sense. Truth to tell, I’m not quite sure how to go about rectifying this one. I think Andy and I will have to get together and discuss this in further detail, preferably during the last four minutes of a game.”
OLD RULE: No rainbows on the field!
MCNABB RULE: DOUBLE RAINBOWS!
Donovan Says: “I just think people wouldn’t get as worked up over the game if they saw a nice double rainbow out there.”
OLD RULE: 25 yards passing, 10 yards rushing or receiving worth 0 points
MCNABB RULE: Worth 1 point!
Donovan Says: “That’s how it works in fantasy football. People really seem to enjoy fantasy football.”
OLD RULE: Wildcat formation: LEGAL
MCNABB RULE: Wildcat formation: ILLEGAL!
Donovan Says: “At first, I thought this might be fun to have around. I am no longer convinced.”
OLD RULE: Head Coach and QB blamed after a loss!
MCNABB RULE: PEOPLE, WE ARE FIGHTING TWO WARS!
Donovan Says: “People really need to take this all in perspective. Yes, we lost a football game. But darn it if we didn’t try. We really need to think about our priorities as a nation if we’re putting so much stock in the outcome of a football game. Our boys are fighting and dying overseas every day, and it’s really easy to overlook that and get all worked up over some football loss, which isn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things. That’s why I’d act to keep all footage of losing teams out of the highlight reels. McNabb Rules is all about positivity and having a good time.”
OLD RULE: Rules determined by Rules Committee!
MCNABB RULE: Rules determined by creative whim!
Donovan Says: “What do you mean, the ball has to break the plane of the goal line? Didn’t you see Westbrook stretch out his arms five minutes after he was brought down? THAT’S EFFORT.”