JaMarcus Russell’s Thinner

06.21.13 5 years ago 10 Comments


There is yet another update on JaMarcus Russell’s rapid weight loss. The folks at the TEST Football Academy, where the former no. 1 pick is training during his comeback bid, tweeted this picture of what JaMarcus looks like minus 51 pounds from where he was in February. This touched off another series of blog posts wondering when a team will go ahead and sign him. And that’s fine. If Tebow can get a job, JaMarcus can certainly sit on the bench for somebody.

But what if JaMarcus just keeps shedding weight? Sure, for now it seems inspiring, but eventually, if it keeps up, it will start to be unsettling. Even disturbing. Then scary and possibly fatal. We’ll all be, like, “No, no, JaMarcus, you’ve gone way overboard. You’ve got to put weight back on. This isn’t healthy.” But then he’ll realize it wasn’t his workout regiment making him lose weight. After all, he thought it was suspicious that he was sneaking daily midnight Double Quarter Pounders and still dropping lbs.

After a lot of soul-searching, JaMarcus will remember that he cut off an old gypsy woman in line at McDonald’s and she muttered a line that kind of sounded like a curse, but all he heard was “300-piece McNugget.” At once, there begins a nationwide search for the gypsy woman to save JaMarcus. Carny folk are detained and questioned, but no substantial leads are found. Meanwhile, JaMarcus gets thinner and thinner and time grows short. A nation waits with bated breath to see whether one of its worst professional quarterbacks will be saved.

Week pass with no developments and things look dire. Just as JaMarcus is dictating his final message from his deathbed, a gypsy is found who claims to have cursed JaMarcus. She is compelled by a mob to reverse the hex. She grudgingly complies, but no change takes effect. The mob is about to rip the gypsy apart when doctors plead for sanity. The doctors tell them it wasn’t a curse, it was just flesh-eating bacteria in the McNuggets. In fact, they had said this weeks before, but everyone was all swept up in gypsy huntin’. You know how that goes.

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