Jason Campbell Converses With a Dolphin As Though It Were a Peer or Maybe Even a Lover

06.22.09 8 years ago 22 Comments

Jason Campbell: Hey there dolphin.

Dolphin: [Dolphin sounds]

Jason Campbell: You mind if I call you Matthew Lilliard?

Dolphin: [Dolphin sounds]

Jason Campbell: That’s very kind of you, Matthew Lilliard.

Hey, I’ve got a question: What do dolphins dream about when they sleep their dolphin sleep?

Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]

Jason Campbell: Wow. Unreal. Dolphins don’t actually sleep. Because they have to consciously make a decision to breathe, they can’t achieve full unconsciousness without killing themselves, so dolphins must rest their brains one half at a time while swimming around in a weird semi-sleep fugue state.

Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]

Jason Campbell: That’s funny, because I usually dream about being chased by mongols carrying pizza boxes. And when they catch me, the pizza boxes are full of smaller mongols carrying ever smaller pizza boxes. And so on.

Dolphin: [Angry dolphins noises]

Jason Campbell: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by that.

Is it okay if take my shirt off?

Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]

Jason Campbell: Well, I’m gonna do it anyway. If Vince Young can do it, so can I.

Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]

Jason Campbell: [Dolphin noises]

Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]

Jason Campbell: All right, Matthew Lilliard. I like you. I really do. I’d tear that mammalian ass up. But I really don’t think we’re getting anywhere with this.

Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]

Jason Campbell: But I don’t want to move into your tank.

Dolphin: [Dolphin noises]

Jason Campbell: I understand you can’t move in to my palatial exurban Virginia McMansion. But consider this: my pool is pretty deep.

Dolphin: [Throws up gang signs]

Jason Campbell: Well maybe you should go back to grad school. There’s no shame in that. It’s not admitting defeat. You’re bettering yourself. It’ll work out in the end.

Dolphin: [Swims away]

Jason Campbell: That’s not the grown-up way to deal with this. You could pretend like you got a little maturity.


You’ll never get me to lose the shorts this way. They’re mesh too.

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