Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU REMEMBER TO VOTE?
Herm: IF YOU VOTE YOU GET A STICKER. AND STICKERS ARE AN IMPORTANT MOTIVATIONAL TOOL.
Jon: I BET YOU GAVE GOLD STARS TO CHAD PENNINGTON AFTER TOUCHDOWN PASSES.
Herm: AFTER COMPLETIONS.
Jon: FIGURES, YA BIG DUMMY. ANYWAY, WE GOT STU ROTHENBERG HERE FROM THE ROLL CALL NEWSPAPER TO TELL US WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THE ELECTIONS TODAY. STU, HOW YA DOIN’?
Stu: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: WELL LET’S GET DOWN TO BRASS TACKS, STU. WHAT DO YOU THINK THE BIGGEST RACE WILL BE TODAY?
Stu: I think the Virginia gubernatorial race is a good proxy for what’s happening in America at large. You have a deeply unpopular Republican facing a merely unpopular Democrat.
Jon: WELL SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA GO WITH THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS. THAT’S WHY I WANTED JOHN HARBAUGH TO BEAT JIM IN THE SUPER BOWL.
Herm: JIM HARBAUGH NEEDS THE TEA PARTY TO WIN.
Stu: Though if you want a sign that Democrats could take back the House in 2014 I’d look at downballot races in Virginia. The attorney general’s race is very tight and it’ll be interesting to see if they can gain ground in the state House of Delegates.
Jon: YOU ALWAYS GOTTA PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT’S GOING ON DOWNBALLOT. JUST LOOK AT DENVER RIGHT NOW. YOU THINK YOU’RE ON EASY STREET BUT THEN JOHN FOX HAS AN INFARCTION AND NOW JACK DEL RIO IS CALLING THE SHOTS.
Herm: JACK DEL RIO COULD REPLACE ME AS BANDLEADER IN 2014.
Stu: Another interesting race will be the Republican primary in Alabama’s First Congressional District. You have an establishment Republican against a Tea Party insurgent.
Jon: YOU ALWAYS GOTTA KEEP YOUR EYE ON ALABAMA OR YOU RISK LOSING OUT ON SOME BIG TALENT. WE WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN CADILLAC WILLIAMS IF WE DIDN’T WATCH AUBURN.
Herm: I WISH I’D NEVER HEARD OF BRODIE CROYLE.
Stu: It’ll be a great way to see if Republicans learned their lesson from the shutdown. They need to nominate people who take governing seriously if they want to be taken seriously in 2014 and 2016.
Jon: I HEAR YA, THAT’S WHY YOU CAN’T PUT BILL CALLAHAN IN CHARGE OF A FOOTBALL TEAM. HE’LL JUST SPEND ALL DAY PLAYING FREECELL INSTEAD OF DRAWING UP A FLIP 32 HAM Z-IN SMASH.
Herm: I’M VERY GOOD AT MINESWEEPER.
Stu: And finally we have the New Jersey gubernatorial race. Chris Christie is going to win in a landslide and it’s proof that Republicans can win again if they’re willing to moderate.
Jon: THIS CHRISTIE, I CALL HIM BILL PARCELLS BECAUSE HE’S A FAT LOUDMOUTH FROM JERSEY WHO CAN BE A DRAMA QUEEN BUT STILL KNOWS HOW TO WIN THE BIG ONE.
Herm: CHRIS CHRISTIE IS ONLY GOING TO WIN BECAUSE OF OTTIS ANDERSON.
Stu: Ottis Anderson? I’m afraid I have no idea what we’re talking about any more.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: TIME TO PLAY SISTER CHRISTIAN BY NIGHT RANGER, BECAUSE WE’RE VOTERIN’!