Just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in

04.21.10 7 years ago • 59 Comments

Sorry pal, that’s verboten too.

Today NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell informed Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger that he has been suspended for six games for violating the law being a big jerk. Reportedly the suspension may be reduced to four games, provided Roethlisberger meets certain league-mandated conditions. KSK consulted its inside sources and came up with what is believed to be a comprehensive list of the prerequisites for Big Ben’s reinstatement:

  • Ixnay on the Aperay
  • From now on, DTF stands for “Don’t Touch, Fella”
  • Only round of shots he’s permitted to buy are feline distemper shots at the Milledgeville Humane Society
  • Must release the ball within 2.5 seconds of snap (Mike Tomlin’s insisted this one be included)
  • No alcohol consumption (except during 2-for-1 happy hour at Bennigan’s, the one place that even Goodell’s jurisdiction cannot reach)
  • Must show Goodell and DeMaurice Smith his gray dick and has to ignore subsequent giggles
  • Must attend counseling
  • Mustn’t sexually assault his counselor
  • No wearing graphic t-shirts in public, they send a slightly demonic and douchey message
  • Must perform 300 hours of community service (“community service” = washing Roger Goodell’s Lincoln Town Car)
  • Must pretend to be enthusiastic when his fat ass gets traded to Oakland
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