Well, it’s the end of the day and I’m so very sad. Because it’s been such a pleasure to wallow in the misery of the Patriots and their fans. Seriously. You people earned it. You got fucked. I’m so very, very pleased for your loss.
And so, to close out this historic day of hateration, we dole out a final round of hearty and oh-so-sincere FUCK YOUS to the Patriots and everyone associated with them.
Yes, FUCK YOU, Bob Kraft. Model franchise, my ass. Why don’t you go have a glass of water to clear out the frog that’s been in your throat for the past 60 fucking years.
FUCK YOU to Bill Belichick. You know what’s even nicer than that fact you lost, you fucking shit stain? The fact that you might also lose your fucking job. Isn’t that lovely? Not only did you lose a game, but you also stand to lose your livelihood, your reputation, and your legacy. I, for one, am extremely excited for you to grow a beard, move to Iceland, and become an anti-semite. Cockbag.
FUCK YOU to the Patriots fans out there. “This one hurts!” “This one stings!” Awww, you poor things! You had to suffer through ONE loss all year! Oh no! HERE COMES THE RAIN AGAIN! You may never recover! If only I could do something to console you. Oh, I know.
/whips out dick
Choke on it.
FUCK YOU, as always, to Bill Simmons. Here, I rewrote your article today so that it was even closer to your own voice:
“When the final seconds ticked down on Super Bowl XLII, I and presumably the rest of Boston had but one thought: REGGIE LEWIS.”
Suck it. No Tom Brady soiree for you, dipshit. Just an awkward conversation with Ufford and big helping of shut the fuck up.
FUCK YOU to Patriot players who invited Giant players to their celebration parties AS THEY WERE GETTING THEIR ASSES HANDED TO THEM DURING THE GAME. Well done, jackasses. No egos in that locker room!
FUCK YOU, Mitt Romney. You’re a loser, too.
FUCK YOU to Jim Nantz. Your favorite team lost, you white asshole.
FUCK YOU to Tedi Bruschi, seen here getting the famous “Umenyiora Chaser”.
FUCK YOU to the Pats’ o-line and their playoff beards. Go play hockey or work in Chelsea love dungeon, you hairy-assed fat fucks.
FUCK YOU to Randy Moss. Disappearing in a big game against the Giants? Hey, thanks for the flashback to 2000, you dick. I hope the charges stick this time.
FUCK YOU to the Patriot Way. “Oh, we’re not like other franchises! We’re selfless! We’re all about the team! All we care about is winning! We invented teamwork! No other team has better chemistry! WE HAVE A CULTURE! WE’RE SPECIAL AND WAY BETTER THAN YOU!” Die.
FUCK YOU to all the Pats fans who talked about how getting caught in some malfeasance – cheating, beating up women, taking steroids – only made the team better. “We draw power from our ability to break rules!” Guzzle cock, fucktasters.
FUCK YOU to Matt Walsh. Guess what I taped last night? Me punching your children.
FUCK YOU to the Pats equipment manager. I dunno who you are, but I fucking hate you.
FUCK YOU to Koolaid Maroney. That’s what you get for denying the existence of construda.
FUCK YOU to your Amstel Light. Shit probably tastes great right now, huh?
FUCK YOU to WELKAHHHHH.
FUCK YOU to any children who root for the Patriots. I hope your peers shun you in middle school.
FUCK THIS BABY.
And if there’s anyone else I forgot, kindly go and get fucked. You lost. Forever. Enjoy the offseason, you losers.