During our first NFL offseason writing this blog, we came to understand the grueling boredom of writing about football when no football games were being played. In order to stay motivated, we regularly watch animal death porn in a segment we like to call KILL KILL KILL. Today: the African honey badger, also known as the Ratel.
Let’s get this out of the way right now: don’t read this without watching the video above first. Watch it now. Stop reading.
I said stop fucking reading and watch the video.
It’s okay, I’ll wait.
*whistles the theme to Disney’s animated Robin Hood*
We good? Okay. Let’s talk about the honey badger.
Holy shit! No, seriously: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. That’s a fucking pissed-off animal. It’s like a Skip Bayless column with fur and teeth and claws (and a spine). What kind of digging mammal CLIMBS A TREE TO FIGHT A COBRA?
But the last part of the video is by far and away the baddest-ass of non-stop badassery. I’ll let Badass of the Week describe it:
By far the most incredible aspect of the clip is when the Honey Badger takes on a super-deadly African Puff Adder. Now, the Puff Adder is one of the most murder-tastic snakes on the entire continent. One of these vipers possesses enough venom to kill 4 or 5 men, and they are so violent, toxic, and aggressive that they routinely account for more human fatalities than any other African snake. But the Honey Badger doesn’t give a crap – he comes across a puff adder that is eating a rat, and his first instinct is to run up, grab the rat out of the snake’s mouth, carry it a few feet away, and then eat the rat right in front of the snake just to show the adder that he’s a bitch. After eating the stolen meal, the Badger than decides, “Screw it, now I’m going to eat this damn snake too.” This really takes being an asshole to another level, which is something I can appreciate. The adder and the Ratel fight, and the Honey Badger kills the viper, but not before being bitten in the face and pumped full of enough venom to kill a creature three times its size. The Badger succumbs to the poison, falls unconscious, but then – amazingly – somehow comes back to life and continues devouring the already-half-eaten snake.
So. Fucking. Hardcore. Bitch, you best get outta the way. Honey badger ain’t care.