When we last left vacationing nugget dumpster Peter King, he was pointing out that all is indeed fair in love and waivers, even water sports. Especially water sports. Peter also chastised Thom Brennaman for recklessly saying that a baseball player who had been hitting above .500 over the span of a month was “virtually impossible” to get out, a complaint obnoxiously about baseball and from someone who uses English as carefully as Paula Dean uses butter. PK also extolled Colt McCoy’s undeniable poise when leading his team to three total points in a ballgame.
Peter King is off enjoying his Summer of Precocious Thinking, leaving guest writers to offer actual insight and football-relevant commentary in his stead. This week, the first guest is DeMaurice Smith, who gives his “a league has gotta have a code” monologue from The Wire. That’s nowhere nearly as fun to eviscerate as a Klassic King column with rampant Favre fluffing, so let’s get to that.
Before we dive into this textbook example of PK Favre slobbing from 2002, it’s worth noting just how dramatically MMQB has snowballed into complete dogshit over the years. While casting around for an especially shitty vintage PK column to take down, I came across this edition from January 1999. The column clocks in at a lean-for-PK 1,745 words, with nary a mention of Starbucks, Peet’s, Westin, citrus beer, the Red Sox, broadcaster pals, his family members, Mitch Puin, inconsiderate airport baristas, the Acela quiet car, the Xerox of fate or Bob Papa. I mean, there’s still plenty of trademark PK obtuse nuggets to be found, but I could actually understand why a football fan might want to read it. Compare that with last week’s MMQB, which at 5,625 words is nearly four times as long as that ’99 column and composed entirely of mind-numbing bullshit. And this is an edition from a relatively uneventful week in the middle of June going against one published in the middle of the NFL playoffs. LEGIT 95 percent fatty filler, MMQB is.
Anyway, back to Petey deep-throating the Land Baron.
The voice on the other end of the phone was scratchy and fading, emanating from a cell phone deep in Wisconsin hunting territory.
Reception, OutThereville needs it.
I wanted a reaction from Brett Favre, who had escaped after practice the other day for an afternoon in a tree stand in Shawano, Wis., about being named SI’s midseason NFL MVP in a vote of league scouts and personnel guys.
HEY BRETT! BRETT! YOU WON A MEANINGLESS NON-AWARD FROM MY MAGAZINE! WE DID IT! RUN AWAY WITH ME TO THE OUTLANDS! IT CAN BE JUST US, YOU AND ME IN THE DEER STAND, LIKE IT WAS MEANT TO BE!
Favre, me and MVPs have a checkered history. In 1997, I voted for Carnell Lake of the Steelers for MVP, and Favre ended up tying Barry Sanders for the award instead of winning it outright. Favre was OK about it, but his better half, Deanna, was a tad chilly toward me at our next meeting.
“You suck my husband’s dick more than I do and you don’t even have the courtesy to give him a reacharound MVP vote? No Brett voicemails for two months, you hear me?”
Ten questions with Favre:
PK: You beat out Priest Holmes and Drew Bledsoe for MVP of the first half of the season in our SI poll of personnel men. Your feelings?
Favre: How many votes did Carnell Lake get?
Bbbbbuuurrrrrnnnn. That’ll show you to step out of line, PK. Vote for Brittfar for all the awards and remember to note that he doesn’t actually care about any of them or he’ll make catty comments about it five years later.
PK: You’re sounding a little bit like Deanna, aren’t you?
Favre: Well, I gotta stick up for her.
“Yeah, it’s only my cuntface wife who’s mad that you cost me the MVP. I’m totally okay with it. So is Carnell Lake, who I bet blasted one in your face last night, amiright?”
PK: Pretty nice tribute to you, beating out those two after the way they’ve played, isn’t it?
“Pretty nice tribute to you, this thick veiny PK boner. I bet you can see it from Wisconsin, can’t you?”
Favre: For me, it’s pretty rewarding to be playing like this. Anything I’m in, I want to be doing it the best of anybody, so it’s an honor that people think I’m doing that.
/updates list of time travel tasks to include “go back to this moment and inform Brett he’ll leave the NFL trailed by scandal and will never win another Super Bowl.”
PK: You can’t be surprised to still be playing at a high level, can you?
Holy shit, that’s a real question. ARE YOU NOT DUMBSTRUCK BY YOUR OWN GREATNESS?!
Favre: Last year [3,921 yards, 32 touchdowns, 15 picks] I really felt rejuvenated as a player. And this year, I think any doubts that I could still play have been pretty much wiped out. [Wow. Who’d be thinking that?]
Look at that fucking parenthetical. Mothers selling their children for crack rocks don’t look that pathetic. Peter King can’t settle for fawning questions, he has to inject his own gushing INTO FAVRE’S ANSWERS.
PK: How’s the knee?
Favre: Fine, really. I’m pretty sure I would have played last week if we had a game. The key thing is wearing the brace. That’ll be different. It’s like if you had to do your interviews and write your story with a helmet on. You’d do it, and the job would get done, but it would just feel weird.
“I’ll wear whatever you want me to wear, Brett.”
PK: Did you think the injury was worse than it turned out?
Favre: Of all the injuries I’ve ever had, this is the one that made me go, “Whew!” When I watched it on replay, I knew I dodged a big bullet. I can’t believe I didn’t blow out my knee.
PK: The football karma gods are looking out for you, don’t you think?
If karma were an actual thing, a 747 would have crashed into Favre’s face years ago. With Peter King in first class yelling for melted Kit-Kats as the plane went down.
PK: What are you hunting?
Favre: Deer. Going up to a place I’ve been going about eight years. I love it.
PK: Bow-hunting, right? How’s it going this year?
“Do you look as manly and rugged as I remember?”
Favre: Yeah. I’ve been out about 20 times. I’ve seen a lot of deer, but I’ve passed on most of them. If you’ve got an eight-point buck and you see an eight-point, or a seven-point, why would you take a shot? Why kill what you’ve killed before? I want something bigger.
Gee, there’s a surprise.
WHY WON’T MY PETEY CHUB EVER BE ENOUGH FOR YOU?
My MMQB Top 12
Ah, the precursor to the Fine Fifteen, before PK discovered numbers went into the teens.
2. Miami (5-2). America’s watching, Ray Lucas.
American spent time watching Ray Lucas? So THAT’S how we fell behind.
4. Green Bay (6-1). I’ll say one thing about Ed Donatell, the unknown defensive coordinator: He must be doing one gosh-darn heck of a job.
Pretty good for someone going through something unknown.
8. Tampa Bay (7-2). Finally, the defense doesn’t have to supply the deodorant for a lousy offense. But remember, routs of the Vikings don’t count for much.
It’s a good thing they went on to win the Super Bowl, which counts for something, unless it doesn’t.
11. New England (4-4). Win three, lose four, win one by 31 at the home of perhaps the hottest team in football, which is led by the hottest triggerman in football. Football is a very strange game.
A .500 team can look impressive one week and shitty the next? WEIRD.
OFFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE WEEK
San Francisco WR Terrell Owens. The more you watch this guy, the more you realize he is as fearsome a weapon as this league has seen in years. He’s the Lawrence Taylor of offensive players.
Add more drugs, prostitutes and rape charges and that could still be true.
COACH OF THE WEEK
Cincinnati head coach Dick LeBeau, who, despite heading into Sunday’s game at Houston with a 10-26 record as the Bengals’ head coach, was still universally respected in his locker room.
The respect of a grandfatherly loser, Dick LeBeau has it.
The players knew this ugly era of Cincinnati football, which stretched into this year with a 0-7 start, was much more the fault of the front office than the head coach. And so those players went and gave LeBeau a gift, a 35-point win at expansion Houston. If you’ve raised the white flag, as the Bengals had been accused of doing, you don’t have an effort like Artrell Hawkins’ 102-yard interception return.
Do you see this winless team throttle the expansion year Texans? I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I’m calling for a minimum four-peat for the Cincinnati LeBeaus.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“You play to win the game! HELLO?”
â€”Jets coach Herman Edwards, stunned after a reporter asked him about the team’s desire with the playoffs such a long shot.
So that’s when that happened. It’s like a watching a drama with little bit of historical context through in. It’s PK’s version of Mad Men, if Mad Men were about Brett Favre’s penis. Either way, PK is definitely Pete Campbell.
NON SEQUITUR QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“The Emmitt Smith Wheaties box is out. Just in time for Halloween.”
â€”ESPN Radio’s Dan Patrick, last Tuesday.
“Wheaties is the bread list of sham peons. Happy Halls of Weed.”
Factoid of the Week That May Only Interest Me
Backup Patriots center Grey Ruegamer, while a member of the Miami Dolphins a few years ago, was offered $50 to eat a large bowl of mustard. He did it.
From his Wikipedia page: “Ruegamer has a Basque family friend and has helped the friend castrate lamb with his teeth.”
He must now enjoy a lucrative career on the shock eating circuit.
Aggravting/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week
My partner in sporting ventures, your CNNSI.com columnist Don Banks, and I completed a unique daily double Saturday night: World Series Game 6 last Saturday in Anaheim, Canadiens-Maple Leafs this week. Ninety-minute drive from the hotel in Niagara Falls (Buffalo-area hotels were crammed with Patriots types this weekend). Scant delay at the border; didn’t even have to show our IDs on the way there.
Lax Peter King protection, Canada has it.
Sat high atop Air Canada Centre in a scouts’ box with, of all people, ex-Maple Leafs tough guy Tiger Williams. Beautiful, beautiful building, and this was the 637th meeting of the teams. Two interesting comments from Williams. We asked him if Gretzky was as well-loved by every player as it seemed. “If Wayne Gretzky called me tomorrow and said he needed to see me,” said Williams, “I’d walk on broken glass to wherever he was to see what he wanted.”
WELL IF BRETT FAVRE WANTED ME TO, I’D EAT BROKEN GLASS AND SHIT A CHANDELIER FOR HIM!
Then we watched Don Cherry, the Cosell of Canada, on CBC between periods, with Cherry railing about the league trying to get rid of fighting. The “left-wing pinkos,” he said of the anti-fighting element in the game, “have gone too far! People want rock ’em, sock ’em hockey! Why do you think they get 9,400 in Boston this week to see a first-place team!”
Because it’s not the Red Sox?
The great thing about the trip home, other than the Tim Horton’s doughnut-and-coffee stop, is that few cops patrol the QEW between Toronto and the Falls, and therefore we flew back to the States.
Reckless driving while overly caffeinated, the hallmark of any great PK excursion.
From the Emailbag
New section of the column this week. I get quite a few missives, so I thought I’d start answering a few each week. Here goes.
The birth of PK’s nuggetbag! This was an quasi-important-ish MMQB, you guys.
YOU’RE A BIT OF A RACIST. From Jay H. Im of Hackensack, N.J.: “I am a faithful reader of MMQB but I was disappointed by your comments related to Asian tourists [flocking to Niagara Falls] listed under the section titled ‘Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week.’ Personally, I think this observation was borderline racist at worst and culturally ignorant at best. I have personally witnessed large numbers of Latinos at a Jewish deli in Nebraska or African Americans at a Japanese restaurant in Germany and even overweight Caucasian reporters jamming the duty free shops in Seoul, but I do not classify such occurrences as either aggravating or enjoyable. I simply go about my own business and try not to stereotype people and where they ‘belong.’ This is the world that we live in, Mr. King.”
Jay, point well taken. In trying to note something that seemed borderline bizarre to me, I came off sounding as if I were racist. Thanks for pointing it out to me.
Haha, I love that Peter King immediately caves to this I DON’T SEE RACE AND PEOPLE WHO DO SICKEN ME douchebag. That PK was astounded by there being tourists of any kind at Niagara Falls is a highly PK thing, however.
MARY BETH KING CAN WRITE: Jeremiah Haley of Kennebunk, Maine, writes: “Talent for writing must run in your family. Mary Beth’s e-mail to her teammates [after the field hockey team’s lone loss of the season] was eloquent and heartfelt. It’s hard to imagine that she’s ‘only’ a teenager. Sounds like she’d make a great coach someday.”
Mary Beth says: “Thank you very much. But I don’t really want to be a coach.”
“I’d rather just do whatever job dad can get me with an NFL team.”
The 10 Things I Think I Think
1. I think Marc Bulger of the Rams looks downright terrific. Look at what this third-string quarterback’s doing. He’s playing with the big boys for the first time in his life, completed a Warner-esque 70 percent of his passes over a month-long period, and handing it to Marshall Faulk very, very nicely. If he has done nothing else, Bulger has earned himself a shot to play somewhere once he gets out of Kurt Warner’s shadow. And he has proven once and for all that Mike Martz, whatever you might think of him, can get kids ready to play great offensive football, no matter what their pedigree.
Some people say they’d like to go back and relive the past, but I’m content to be in an era where Mike Martz is rightfully perceived to be an arrogant dumbfuck.
2. I think these are my quick-hit football thoughts of the weekend:
a. Is Sebastian Janikowski on a strict cupcake diet or what?
You tell him, guy who lives on strict diet of beer and coffee.
b. Jets 44, Chargers 13. No NFL score in my memory stuns me as much as that one.
c. Except Cincinnati 38-3 in Houston, maybe.
Or any score from any game ever. MAYBE, I THINK.
e. How tough is Tiki Barber? Just watch the guy play. Every week I marvel how he doesn’t get broken in two by some of the hits he takes.
Nice try with the jinx, Peter. Shame it didn’t work.
f. Joe Theismann, if you’d watched disappointing Giants running back Ron Dayne play as often as the Jersey fans have seen him during the past three years, I guarantee you wouldn’t be the president of his fan club, which is how you sounded Sunday night. If Dayne had been any sort of good power runner since arriving in New York, why would the Giants be trying to run out the clock with a 5-foot-10 guy (Barber) against the Jags?
Way to be in the tank for shitty Ron Dayne when you could be on Team Tiki with PK and Florio. You embarrass yourself, just like the people who thought Brett Favre was washed up in 2002 [WOWOWOWOW, WHO’D HAVE THOUGHT THAT!?]
g. I counted the number of times the ESPN crew said some derivative of “I talked to Joe Jaguar last night, and he said … ” and I believe it added up to 698. Geez, fellas, we know you talk to all those guys. You don’t have to bang us over the head with it every third minute.
Flash forward to present day: HEY GUYZ, I TALKED TO THE DUNGE AND HE SAID HE LIKED THE DOG IN MY TWITTER PROFILE PHOTO! THE DUNGE LIKES BAILEY! THE DUNGE SAID THAT! TO ME! THE DUNGE!
m. Steve Spurrier makes his only trip to Florida Sunday, to play the Jags. I like the Spurriers in this one.
The Redskins lost that game 26-7. The score would stun Peter more than any other in memory until the score he saw.
5. I think these are my personal thoughts of the week:
b. Will the guy who coughed like a TB patient in the room next to me last night, all night, at the Sheraton Four Points/Buffalo Airport please report to his internist immediately?
“Okay.” – Person too sick to be reading a shitty SI column
c. Coffeenerdness: Drew Bledsoe walked into Ralph Wilson Stadium Sunday morning with a venti Starbucks coffee.
And yet the Bills lost. You failed him, Seattle!
e. Montclair Field Hockey Player of the Week: Senior left wing Jess Giammella scored the winning (first, in most cases) goal in all three games last week, bringing her total for the year to a team-high 15. Jess is a quiet kid and a big Favre fan. Our exclusive interview:
Are you fucking kidding me?
MMQB: Favorite pro athlete.
Giammella: Brett Favre. He’s great. He always completes his passes.
MMQB: Anything else you’d like to say?
Last chance for Favre fellating. Make it good, kid.
Giammella: Yes. The field hockey team loves to eat. We’d rather eat than play. Eating is our favorite thing.
Giammella now weighs 8,000 lbs. Still got a dick pic from Brett some time in the mid Aughts, though.
8. I think one of the stranger NFL scenes I’ve ever witnessed happened last Tuesday, during the taping for HBO’s Inside the NFL, when the outed Esera Tuaolo was on set with Cris Collinsworth, former teammate Cris Carter and host Bob Costas. Before the segment began taping, all four were shooting the breeze. The breeze got a bit heavy.
Heavy with GHEYYYYYYY
The topic turned to why he didn’t come out during his nine-year NFL career.
Tuaolo: “I know what it’s like in the NFL. Teams put bounties out on guys.
Goodell commits a retroactive hate crime against Esera Tuaolo.
You know that. Knock the quarterback out, and you get a steak dinner. Of course somebody’s gonna knock out the gay guy.
“I want that gay dinner!”
Carter, who said he was troubled by Tuaolo’s statements that he was afraid to come out while he was playing because of anti-gay comments he overheard in the Vikings locker room, asked: “Personally, how do you think I would have treated you?”
“I just want to make sure my homophobia lived up to your expectations.”
Then the interview began, with Costas asking about the reaction Tuaolo had received since the news broke. Tuaolo laughed, then asked to start over.
“You caught me off guard,” Tuaolo said.
“What do you want me to ask you about, Cover 2?” Costas said.
“What, you thought we were gonna talk football with you, YOU BIG FAIRY? Hey, guys, the QUEEN wants to talk football! Ain’t that something. That reminds me of something Ty Cobb once said…”
10. I think the best way to play Drew Bledsoe is the way the Patriots played him yesterday. Rush lots of different people. Blitz, but never send two identical blitzes. And most important, run a lot of different, quick players back and forth in front of his face. I don’t know if he gets confused, but most quarterbacks would if they don’t know where the pressure’s coming from and their offensive line doesn’t know whom to block. On at least three different plays, Bledsoe looked up and saw four linebackers and seven defensive backs playing. Now that’s a change-up.
Confusion: also works on Drew Bledsoe. Clearly this was the long-awaited blueprint to taking down a shitty quarterback.