KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekakke: Arizona Cardinals

07.10.07 11 years ago 31 Comments

Five Fast Facts About The Cardinals:
-Wideout Larry Fitzgerald makes a mock apple pie with Ritz Crackers that will make your head swoon.
-Running back Edgerrin James is famous for lifting weights late at night and bringing in crackheads off the street to spot for him. This is a smart move, because a crackhead can easily lift over seven times his body weight for some crack.
-Quarterback Matt Leinart is best friends with Nick Lachey. The two share much in common, including the fact that their best days are far behind them.
-The Cardinals new stadium was nearly named after the Mexican restaurant chain Pink Taco. But those plans were scrapped after restaurant executives realized that it was the Seahawks home stadium that looked more like a gaping vaginal canal.
-Tight End Leonard Pope has a Popemobile of his own. Like the real Popemobile, it features bulletproof glass. Unlike the real Popemobile, it also features a Bose surround system and a plastic vagina that plugs into the cigarette lighter.

Projected 2007 Record:
10-6, 1st in NFC West

Actual 2007 Record:
8-8, 3rd in NFC West

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Bryant Johnson!

During our NFL prekakke celebration, I’ll be sitting down to chat with players from various teams across the league. For the Cardinals, it’s third wide receiver and potentially annoying fantasy TD vulture Bryant Johnson.

Big Daddy Drew: Thanks for sitting down with us, Bryant.
Bryant Johnson: No problem.

Drew: The Super Bowl is being held in Arizona this year. Can I sit with you?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Did you know the Cards are Will Leitch’s favorite team, and by “favorite”, I mean “least indifferent towards”?
Johnson: No.

Big Daddy Drew: Is the T on the end of your name silent? Because I barely bother to pronounce it anyway.
Bryant Johnson: No. It’s Bryant.

Big Daddy Drew: Seriously though, it’s just Bryan with a vestigial T on the end. It could be a D and it still wouldn’t matter.
Bryant Johnson: It’s Bryant.

Drew: Matt Leinart once nailed Paris Hilton. Do you keep Purell in your locker? You should.
Johnson: No.

Drew: Does it concern you at all that Matt Leinart doesn’t even have a better physique than Steve fucking Nash in this photo?

Johnson: No.

Drew: Are you sure? I haven’t seen a chest that small since Debra Messing.
Johnson: Matt will be great.

Drew: Where does Leinart hide when Brynn Cameron’s process server show up? Is there a crawlspace in the locker room that he favors?
Johnson: I don’t know.

Drew: Your center’s name is Nick Leckey. Are we really to think it mere coincidence that the team hired a guy with a name two letters away from Nick Lachey to bend over in front of Matt on a daily basis?
Johnson: It’s a coincidence.

Drew: Your new coach, Ken Whisenhunt, has been called a Bill Cowher clone. Does Whisenhunt also pretend to like girl’s basketball because he’s stuck with two daughters who play it?
Johnson: No.

Drew: I heard a rumor that Whisenhunt was only able to convince Russ Grimm to join his staff by pointing out Arizona on a map and showing him that it wasn’t across the Pacific Ocean. True?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Your college coach, Joe Paterno, is making his players clean the stadium after all home games this year. Are you terrified this will give Bill Bidwill potential cost-saving ideas?
Johnson: Yes.

Drew: You play the z-slot. I heard Anquan Boldin is quite good at playing the v-slot, if you know what I mean.
Johnson: I don’t know what you mean.

Drew: The team’s 4th receiver is Michael Spurlock. How did he get into such great shape after eating all that McDonald’s shit?
Johnson: That was Morgan Spurlock.

Drew: Whatever. I think he totally was playing to the cameras in that movie anyway. What a douche. Any cum-stained garments in Chris Liwienski’s locker?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Is Marcel Shipp a painter? That’s a total painter name.
Johnson: No.

Drew: A mime?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Your coach last season was Denny Green. I remember one of Green’s favorite sayings was, “Plan your work, and work your plan.” What other worthless, empty sayings did that fat fuck bestow upon you?
Johnson: Coach Green was all right.

Drew: Coach Green enjoyed fishing quite a bit. Do you think Coach Green missed precious time to prepare for games while being cut out of his waders every morning?
Johnson: Coach Green was all right.

Drew: Does Edgerrin James happen to enjoy the delicious, all-artificial flavor of Koolaid?
Johnson: I dunno.

Drew: Would you tell Keith Poole to go fuck himself for me? To go fuck himself hard and raw?
Johnson: Who’s that?

Drew: Never mind. Would you consider kissing me?
Johnson: No.

Drew: C’mon. I live at home and shit on towels. This would give me a little excitement for once.
Johnson: No.

Drew: Bryant, thanks for your time. Good luck this year.
Johnson: My pleasure.

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