KSK 2008 NFL Prekkake: AFC North

07.28.08 9 years ago 53 Comments

Where black coaches go to whale on each other.

BALTIMORE RAVENS

A Few Fast Facts About the Ravens
– These are the only six white people in Baltimore not living in Federal Hill. Update: They’ve since been killed and dumped in a vacant rowhouse.
-Ever notice how the Ravens were never referenced on The Wire? Like, not even once? Where did McNulty and Bunk go when they were in the mood for a sporting event? Orioles game. What jersey did Namond Brice wear in Season 4? Eagles. (Yeah, Cunningham Jerome Brown throwback, but whatevs). All I’m saying is the team is evil and David Simon realizes this. Which is why I love him.
-Willis McGahee doesn’t like that Travis Henry gets all the pub for fathering illegitimate children. He hopes some of his illegitimate children grow up to be media professionals who will correct this disparity.
-The Ravens answer for the retired Jonathan Ogden is second-year tackle Jared Gaither. He went to Maryland, so you know how much he sucks.
-Paper Moon Diner is kinda cool. THERE I SAID SOMETHING FUCKING NICE ABOUT BALTIMORE

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6 wins

Verdict: Push

Six wins sounds like a reasonable tally for a team with no quarterback and a rookie coach who looks like he’s 28. But, hey, they still have an old, homicidal overrated linebacker, an overrated safety and Haloti Ngata. That’s got to be worth at least two wins over Cincy.

CINCINNATI BENGALS

A Few Fast Facts About the Bengals:

– Their reputation of unlawfulness has outlived its relevance. They’ve gone back to generally depressing ineptitude now.
– The struggling economy has pushed the retirement age of Willie Anderson from 35 to 68.
– Shayne Graham’s first name is actually Michael. But he didn’t want to be confused for the conservative author. Or a heterosexual.
– Former Bengals safety Madieu Williams signed with the Vikings for $33 million. This act alone is responsible for all depreciation of the dollar.
– The Bengals acquired Carson’s little brother, Jordan Palmer, in the off-season. Cooper Palmer, however, chooses to live his life in the shadows, feasting on lost passersby and pets who have lost their way.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7 wins

Verdict: Under

Are you explosively shitting on my dick? Seven wins out of this team? They have enough clubhouse turmoil to fill 10 Middle Easts. And ammunition too! Seriously Vegas, I appreciate the gift, but the Bungles will be lucky not to lose more than 12 games. Maybe the seven was actually meant to indicate the number of year extension Marvin Lewis will somehow get after this season. Mike Brown should get a reality show.

CLEVELAND BROWNS

A Few Fast Facts About the Browns:
– Did you know they’ve never been a Super Bowl?
– Isn’t that sad?
– Couldn’t you just cry for Cleveland?
– No?
– Me neither.
– Brady Quinn can tell you everything you’ve eaten for the last seven months by tasting your semen. If you’ve also tasted semen during that span you may become his intended.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008:
8 wins

Verdict: Over

The Browns are everybody’s chichi pick for a Super Bowl run this year, despite falling apart in big games late last season and having a coach who generally doesn’t know what he’s doing once he’s let out of his terrarium. They did pick up the Pats’ least impressive receiver and a defensive lineman from the Lions who only shows up when games are catered. What else do you need to turn the corner?


PITTSBURGH STEELERS

A Few Fast Facts About The Steelers
– Marvel Smith’s back is being held together by Bubble Tape. Unfortunately, it’s not chewed.
– The only thing Jeff Reed doesn’t do drunk is wash his car. Because he doesn’t know where he left it.
– LaMarr Woodley will have 38 sacks this season. But 33 of them will be against Troy Smith.
– Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite bedtime snack is Parmesan Goldfish and scabs.
– Santonio Holmes’ penis can act as a cell phone tower if needed.


Vegas Over/Under For 2008:
9 wins

Verdict: Over

Sure, they have the league’s most difficult schedule this year. It’ll be tough, but they’re up to the task. After all, they did pretty much address all of their weaknesses in the off-season. Well, all of them EXCEPT THE REALLY FUCKING HUGE OBVIOUS ONE THAT IS THE OFFENSIVE LINE! Justin Hartwig is good, right? Right? Oh man, here come the waterworks.

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