The best division in football, right up until Donovan McNabb gets hurt, Eli Manning returns to mediocrity, Jon Jansen gets Jason Campbell killed, and the Dallas Cowboys are smote by a just God.
A Few Fast Facts About the Redskins
– Right now Sean Taylor’s killer is being brutally raped. And if he isn’t, he certainly should be.
– Redskins fans have been so used to Joe Gibbs and his penchant for deflecting criticism from his players that Jim Zorn’s willingness to criticize rookies for being out of shape and call his offensive line’s performance “soft” has everybody in a tizzy. It’s going to take a while to get used to a coach who doesn’t run his team like a sermonizing grandfather who thinks everybody is fucking blind.
– Contrary to unpopular belief, Chief Zee doesn’t wear “red-face”.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5
Verdict: Over. Sure they’re coming off of a 47-3 loss that had me screaming like Buzz Bissinger on a PCP bender, but hey, it’s just the pre-season, right? right?!?! FUCK ME LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL! GOD DAMN IT REED DOUGHTY, IF YOU COULD HEAR YOU MIGHT NOTICE THE WIDE RECEIVERS TRAMPLING PAST YOU! AND WHY THE FUCK DOES OUR LINE LOOK LIKE THEY’RE WEARING FUCKING ROLLER SKATES?! So yeah, Super Bowl or bust!
NEW YORK GIANTS
A Few Fast Facts About the Giants
– Kate Mara never thought she’d miss Jeremy Shockey’s constant attempts to shove his hand down her pants, but she totally does.
– Michael Strahan won’t really come back for $8 million and “a few kind words,” but if you throw in an enema administered by his ex-wife’s sister then you might have yourself a deal.
– David Tyree is from Montclair, New Jersey, otherwise known as the home of one Peter King. Also, he’s still not a very good football player.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5
Verdict: Under. Osi’s done for the year, Strahan isn’t coming back, and the secondary blows without a pass rush. But hey, at least they have Eli and his equally unstoppable Citizen EcoDrive. They’ll finish below .500 and Coughlin will probably kill himself before the season’s over.
A Few Fast Facts About the Cowboys
– Roy Williams is actually worse than Reed Doughty.
– Tony Romo finds himself more and more intellectually stimulated by Jessica Simpson every day. Just another example of how spending time in Dallas will make you dumber.
– Wade Phillips is intent on teaching Adam Jones how to be a good teammate. In return Jones is going to teach Wade how to eat the one thing on which he’s never indulged. Pussy.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5
Verdict: Over. Yeah, I guess they’re pretty good. But they’ll figure out a fun new way to fuck up the playoffs.
A Few Fast Facts About the Eagles
– The Reid family went with Mormonism because they thought Christian Scientists had too many pesky rules. Apparently praying to Jesus to get you high doesn’t work nearly as well as a few fistfuls of Vicodin with an OxyContin chaser.
– Donovan McNabb finds Jimmy Rollins’ ideas intriguing and he’d like to subscribe to his newsletter.
– DeSean Jackson is like Usain Bolt without the size, strength, precision, and speed. But he’s still going to fuck up everybody’s shit.
– Everyone knows that Brian Westbrook is versatile, but did you know that he once fucked his girlfriend in ten different positions in one night? While he’s perfectly capable of lining up in her slot he’d rather come out of her backfield.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5
Verdict: Under. Andy Reid will finally throw Donovan McNabb under the bus, and Brian Westbrook will realize that there’s no real point in trying anymore.