Mediocrity reigns! Who can be mediocre-est?
A Few Fast Facts About the Cardinals
– One of these days, we’ll find out what whether Larry Fitzgerald saved the unicorn’s kingdom or went to Leinart’s house to watch three women have sex with a goat.
– What’s more important: crushing perfectly tanned hot young ass, or becoming a big NFL star? Matt Leinart knows the answer. Say what you will about his extracurriculars, but homeboy’s laughing all the way to the VD clinic.
– Last February’s Super Bowl may have been the greatest ever played, but the week leading up to it was the shittiest Super Bowl week in history. I guaran-fucking-tee it. “Hey, let’s put the stadium, the convention center, and all the nightlife as far away from each other as possible, then host the game the same weekend everyone’s in town for a popular golf tournament.” Fuck you, various Phoenix suburbs. Hey Goodell, forget warm weather and host the Super Bowl in cities with public transportation and bars open past 2:00 a.m.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.0 wins
Verdict: Under. The Cardinals have been predicted to be a “sleeper” team ready to make the “leap” for more consecutive years than I can count. At this point, picking them to step up is like betting on Charlie Brown to make a field goal. Anyone who picks them to succeed deserves to get punched in the nuts, if only on principle. Just like that bitch-ass Charlie Brown.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
A Few Fast Facts About the 49ers
– The 49ers are the greatest team in NFL history to not inspire a lackluster fan base.
– Assassinated San Francisco city supervisor Harvey Milk was known as the “Mayor of Castro Street.” Niners coach Mike Nolan is known as Der Fuehrer of Sucky Straße.
– Offensive genius Mike Martz brings his magic to the City this year. San Francisco’s population of old lesbians is already swooning.
– The name “49er” comes from the flocks of men that flooded the city in 1849 in search of cock.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5 wins
Verdict: Push? Five wins, six wins, what’s the difference? They’re not going anywhere with Alex Smith’s elf hands holding the football.
A Few Fast Facts About the Seahawks
– Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck once presented President Bush with a Seahawks jersey. He can surpass Steve Largent as the most politically conservative Seahawk if he votes National Socialist in the next six elections.
– Deion Branch and Bobby Engram will both miss at least the first month and a half of the season with injuries. D.J. Hackett left via free agency. They’re so shorthanded at wide receiver that they let some white guys try out.
– Lofa Tatupu was busted for DUI during the offseason. While driving a
Subaru Hyundai. What a joke. That would be like Ray Lewis killing people with a sponge, or Travis Henry wearing a condom. Do it like an All-Pro or don’t do it at all.
– Shaun Alexander is a class act who plans to stay active in the Seattle community and keep close ties with the organization, even though the team cut him. More importantly, the team cut him.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 9.0 wins
Verdict: Over. I know I’m a homer, but the Seahawks are better than they were last year, and this division still sucks. Barring an injury to Hasselbeck, they’ll get at least one home game in the playoffs. Oh God, I’ve jinxed Hasselbeck! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
ST. LOUIS RAMS
A Few Fast Facts About the Rams
– Second place for the featured Ram picture was this.
– Third place was this.
– Fourth place was Ram-Man driving a Dodge Ram ramming into a ram ramming an ewe in a Ramada parking lot.
– Teri Hatcher has a ten-year-old daughter, which means Chris Long could star in the first-ever second-generation RadioShack ad. And people say Earth’s future doesn’t look bright.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6.5 wins
Verdict: Over. The Rams got ruined by injuries last year. Bulger and S-Jax return healthy, and Chris Long should help improve last year’s shoddy D.