It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time gushing over Jeff George’s Uncle Rico-esque comeback tape, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the AFC North, where you’re either running over pedestrians while drunk, getting slapped with rape allegations, ratting out your friends to escape murder charges, or playing for the Bengals and doing all of the above.
The things you’ll stoop to when Vinny Testaverde still has the best statistical season as a quarterback in your franchise’s history.
Five Fast Facts About the Ravens:
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8.5 wins
History suggests that the Ravens fall on their knives during odd-numbered years, but these assholes should be good enough to have a winning record in 2009, even if Mark Clayton is their no. 1 receiver going into the season. That is, UNLESS THE REFS COST THEM EVERY GAME! CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY!
Very considerate of the Bungles to come up with a word to describe their shitty style of play
Five Fast Facts About the Bengals:
Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 6 wins
People seem to think they’ll be better this year. After all, Denzel gave Ocho a stern talking-to. How could that not work?
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 7 wins
The Browns, expected contenders in 2008, spent the whole year underachieving and then just not caring towards the end. Stands to reason they would have a chance to rebound the next year, but Eric Mangini has already done everything he can to alienate the team he’s inheriting. Credit Josh McDaniels and Brad Childress for taking all the coach-induced team implosion focus off him this offseason.
The Pussy Monsta-Pussy Ravager two-pack.
Five Fast Facts About the Steelers:
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 10.5 wins
They went 12-4 with a more difficult schedule last year and all they lost was Bryant McFadden, Larry Foote and Nate Washington, who’ve all been sufficiently replaced. They also don’t have the worst punter in the world anymore with Spatula returning. Barring a huge spate of injuries, they should be good for 11+ wins. Everyone will talk about what a huge distraction the civil suit is going to be. Notice that with no criminal complaint filed and ESPN finally having reported on it, the story is pretty much already gone from the news this week. There’s no police investigation to report on, hence nothing driving the story. Plus, (The) Ben has the preseason to get used to defenders and opposing fans yelling stupid shit like “RAPISTBERGER!” at him. Not to say it can’t be a distraction, but it doesn’t look to be a huge one when any trial wouldn’t take place until this time next year.