08.31.11 6 years ago 49 Comments



The NFL season that very nearly didn’t happen is now only a week away from starting. I’m so excited that I could gather snacks and passively sit in front of my television for hours observing it. THAT’S HOW PUMPED I AM!

I’ve caught myself a few times in the last week forgetting that the lockout ever happened. Like, I’ve stopped and had to mentally run through how annoying the lockout was. How it didn’t stop being annoying for months and months. I don’t say this to suggest that the lockout didn’t matter. Far from it. That statement has more to do with my horrible short-term memory than anything else. Still, I’m surprised how quickly I’ve transitioned from “well, this is going to be awkward” to “OH YEAH! LET’S GO! ALL IN! FOOTBAWWWWWW!”

In that spirit, on with prekkakes. That’s what we’d want to be doing this part of the calendar anyway. Today, it’s the AFC.

AFC East




Key Additions: Marcel Dareus, Brad Smith, Nick Barnett, Kirk Morrison

Key Departures: Lee Evans, Paul Posluszny

A Few Fast Facts About The Bills:

– I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting you care about the Bills, so instead enjoy this clip of Louis C.K. talking shit about Buffalo during his amazing Afghanistan episode last week.

– If you weren’t busy being distracted by the good teams still playing for a championship back in January, remember it was then that the Bills hired Dave Wannstedt as an assistant. HAHA! DUNGY WAS RIGHT! IT GETS WORSE!

– The team’s precarious stay in Buffalo has little to do with Ralph Wilson or a perceived lack of revenue generation. For some time now, the team has just decided to play wherever Kyle Williams feels like playing. So far, his reluctance to move has made for a happy accident.

Over/Under for 2011: 5.5 wins

VERDICT: They’re the Bills.

Take that for what it’s worth.




Key Additions: Reggie Bush, Daniel Thomas, Matt Moore

Key Departures: Ronnie Brown, Ricky Williams, Chad Pennington

A Few Fast Facts About The Dolphins:

– Perhaps the saddest sentence you’ll read about any team’s off-season exploits: “[they] made a well-publicized attempt to trade for Kyle Orton. When it failed, they settled for ex-Panther Matt Moore.” There are Russian novels that aren’t as bleak.

– Vontae Davis recently claimed that he and teammate Sean Smith are the best cornerback tandem in the league. Many disagree, but just try to complete a pass to a receiver covered by both of them at once. Pretty tricky.

– The ‘Phins are trying to push tickets to their Oct. 23 game against the Broncos by advertising a reunion of the 2009 Florida Gators. Because Tim Tebow and Mike Pouncey were on that team, you see. A far more interesting local gimmick might be reunited the 347 fans who attended a Marlins game earlier this month.

Over/Under for 2011: 7.5 wins

Verdict: Under.

Miami’s defense is indeed solid, and that’s always nice. Unfortunately for the Dolphins, the NFL doesn’t really like defense that much and would much prefer the practice be curtailed entirely. Not to mention that it seems like the ‘Phins lose five games a year where they dominate most of the game, concede a late lead, then find themselves unable to orchestrate a late scoring drive even though they get the ball back with four minutes on the clock. And Chad Henne’s still their starter.




Key Additions: Chad Ochocinco, Albert Haynesworth, Shaun Ellis

Key Departures: James Sanders

A Few Fast Facts About The Greatriots:

– Bill Belichick will be the subject of a two-part documentary to air on NFL Network in September. The shows will follow the Patriots coach being wired for audio throughout the 2009 season. While likely ignored by the general populace, grumblologists will hail the work as a seminal work in their studies.

– When the Hockey Red Sox won the World Series Cup of Hockey this past spring, it suddenly made the Patriots the owners of the longest championship drought among Bahhhston’s legendary sports teams. So you can discard those hurtful bandwagon fan stereotypes. The Pats are long-suffering again. YOU’LL NEVAH UNDERSTAND THEIR PAIN AND HOW IT INFORMS EVERYTHING THEY DO AND EVERYONE THEY CUT OFF IN TRAFFIC! A 53-MAN ROSTAW OF BUCKNAHS!

– A lot of people e-mailed us about Chad Ochocinco’s stated desire to live with a Pats fan who possesses both a roof and an Xbox. I would like to take a moment to apologize for our doing nothing with that tidbit. Okay, fine, Ocho can’t wait for DUCKBOAT, THE BOAT THAT DUCKS.

/defers to Drew on all future Ocho bits

Over/Under for 2011: 11.5 wins

VERDICT: Over. Way, way over.

The more wins the better, I say. It’ll make their third-consecutive one-and-done home playoff loss all the sweeter.




Pervy Rex thinks about your feet. HARD.

Key Additions: Derrick Mason, Whatever else they could round up in the dumpster behind Ravens headquarters, Plaxico Burress

Key Departures: Braylon Edwards, Shaun Ellis

A Few Fast Facts About The Jets:

– They lost out on the Nnamdi Asomugha sweepstakes, thus depriving the football world of a wider assortment of cornerback-geography gags than already available. Revis Island! Asomugha Island! Resomugvis Archipelago! Kyle Wilson Isthmus!

– Antonio Cromartie was recently shocked to discover that Mark Sanchez had hooked up with one of his underage daughters. He was sure that Sanchez had already gone through all of them.

– Because there was no “Hard Knocks” this year, the Jets didn’t even bother to hold training camp. “What’s the fucking point?” a doleful Ryan said to a camera that wasn’t even on.

Over/Under for 2011: 10 wins


10 wins sounds like just the right amount of underachievement that will still allow the Jets to qualify for the playoffs, shock home teams in the first two rounds, then suffer gut-wrenching disappointment in the conference championship to the team that will fall just short in the Super Bowl. Because this is a pattern that should be maintained for our optimal amusement.

AFC North




Key Additions: Lee Evans, Bryant McKinnie, Ricky Williams, Vonta Leach

Key Departures: Derrick Mason, Todd Heap, Le’Ron McClain, Willis McGahee, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Kelly Gregg

A Few Fast Facts About The Ravens:

– Ray Lewis has promised to retire if the Ravens win the Super Bowl this season. Tempting, but I’m gonna need to see it in some form of plea deal with the court before I believe it.

– Long unable to beat the Steelers when Ben Roethlisberger is playing, Baltimore has enlisted the services of superstar-maiming safety Bernard Pollard. A canny gambit, thought the Ravens will be sorely disappointed when he instead drags Joe Flacco from his bed to the team bus by his facemask. WILD CARD, BITCHES!

– The real loser in this controversial new kickoff rule: the great Billy Cundiff Touchback Record Chase of 2010. It was a phenomenon that gripped the imaginations of a generation of children. It was their moon landing, if the moon were positioned behind the backline of the endzone and the astronauts were footballs kicked off a tee.

Over/Under for 2011: 10.5 wins


Because Joe Flacco-to-Lee Evans is about to become the most prolific Ravens touchdown connection since Vinny Testaverde-to-Michael Jackson. Just you wait, hon.




Say, when did the Bengals get rid of the black stripes on their helmets? Oh.

Key Additions: A.J. Green, Andy Dalton, Bo Scaife, Manny Lawson, Nate Clements

Key Departures: Terrell Owens, Chad Ochocinco, Jonathan Joseph, Carson Palmer (presumably)

A Few Fast Facts About The Bengals:

– It is quite possible that someone drafted Bernard Scott as a handcuff to Cedric Benson in the 12th round of your fantasy draft before realizing that Benson hadn’t been selected yet.

– Benson still didn’t go the rest of the draft.

– But Carson Palmer did.

Over/Under for 2011: 5.5 wins


Now that Zerkle’s gone, we don’t even have to mask our enjoyment for watching the Bengals perform wretchedly . Oh wait, even though he’s a fan, he hates them as much as we do. Carry on.




Key Additions: Uh… Peyton Hillis’ Madden cover?

Key Departures: Jake Delhomme DAWWWWWW END OF HORSEFEATHERS!

A Few Fast Facts About The Browns:

– Colt McCoy released a book (Just like Drew Magary does!) a few months back discussing his experience in his first year in the league. one section discussed Eric Mangini’s decision to put an injured Jake Delhomme back into the game against Atlanta even though Seneca Wallace got hurt and Colt was available.

– Quote: “Everyone knew Jake’s ankle wasn’t ready, but Coach Mangini sent him back on the field to play anyway. That sent a signal loud and clear that Coach was doing everything he could to not give me the ball.”

– Were that we all as innocent as Colt McCoy to the joys of watching an already hobbled Jake Delhomme get finished off by an NFL defense with a taste for blood.

Over/Under for 2011: 6.5 wins


Haha, Cleveland! You have hope now. That’s the worst thing anyone can give you!




Key Additions: Jerricho Cotchery

Key Departures: Flozell Adams, Antwaan Randle El, Limas Sweed (SO MANY CRITICAL DROPS, YOU GUYS)

A Few Fast Facts About The Steelers:

– In the past few months alone, Rashard Mendenhall wrote a sympathetic tweet about Osama bin Laden, Hines Ward got a DUI and James Harrison called Roger Goodell a faggot in a magazine interview. AN’ THAT’D REALLY CHEESE YINZ GUYS OFF IF DEM STILLERS WUDDN’T SO CLASSY N’AT.

– Mike Wallace has vowed to become the first receiver in the history of the NFL to notch 2,000 yards in a single season. Based on his per-catch average, this will require give or take (fuzzy on the math) seven receptions.

Over/Under for 2011: 10.5 wins


Wait. Didn’t they just go to the Super Bowl last season?


I’ve seen this one before. No playoffs for you this year, Stillers!


AFC South



Did you want to be a critic as a child? Or did your dreams die with your humility? RT @ESPN_Colin Hey Arian Foster-… ‘We really do care about you as a human too. Um,now about that hammy? –signed, everybody less than a minute ago via Twittelator Favorite Retweet Reply


Key Additions: Jonathan Joseph, Danieal Manning, Lawrence Vickers, Matt Leinart

Key Departures: Vonta Leach, Amobi Okoye

A Few Fast Facts About The Texans:

– Hmm. Seems like they’re a fashionable AFC South division champ pick again this season.

– Why is it we always fall into this trap?

– Are we destined to repeat the mistakes of our parents?

Over/Under for 2011: 8.5 wins


Over being nine wins. Nine wins getting them just short of a Wild Card berth. A Wild Card berth they’ll lose by blowing a 31-13 4th quarter lead with four minutes in their Week 17 game. But why can’t they win? They signed Jonathan Joseph. He’s a pretty good corner. They might even have a secondary now. NO! YOU’RE FALLING INTO THE TRAP! STOP IT!




Key Additions: Ernie Sims, Tommy Harris, Kerry Collins

Key Departures: Steak ‘n’ Shake waitress, back to the kitchen, where you know she’s having a good ol’ time chatting with her coworkers WHEN SHE SHOULD be checking on her table, where MAYBE one of her customers wants to put in for a third order of bacon chili cheese fry nachos.

A Few Fast Facts About The Fat Humps:

– The NFL brass cleverly edited a medical document that said that “if Austin Collie suffers one more concussion, he could die” to “15 percent off a personalized jersey to any fan who admits to not be frightened by the prospect of a player dying on the field.”

– Before arriving in Indianapolis, Kerry Collins was aware bacon-flavored alcohol. But he never dreamed of an actual alcohol-infused breakfast burrito.

Over/Under for 2011: 9.5 wins


Let’s just accept that they’ll probably still win the division even though Peyton’s starting to break down. Unless we possess some stupid Simmons-esque double reverse jinx powers, which we all pray we do.




What happens when a team commits all its resources to mascot social media strat.

Key Additions: Blaine Gabbert, Paul Posluszny, Dawan Landry

Key Departures: Mike Sims-Walker, Kirk Morrison

A Few Fast Facts About The Jags:

– Peter King thinks the Jaguars will splinter into 11 separate teams and each will represent a different Los Angeles neighborhood. They will shift their focus to gang slaughter, with Silky Garrard the most feared of all.

– Which have been prevented if the Jaguars were smart enough to have let Tim Tebow be terrible for them.

Over/Under for 2011: 6 wins




Key Additions: Matt Hasselbeck, Barrett Ruud, Jake Locker

Key Departures: Vince Young, Bo Scaife

A Few Fast Facts About The Titans:

– Reports indicate that Chris Johnson’s holdout could be over this weekend. But what if it weren’t? What if the people who took him in the first round of fantasy drafts together tried to cobble together money to get him to play? How much do you think they would raise? Two hundred, maybe three hundred thousand pennies and laundry tokens?

– The Titans have a chapter of Project Mayhem going wherein all call each other Kenny Britt when they die. This explains so much.

Over/Under for 2011: 6.5 wins


Stopgap starting QB with a stopgap coach? Surely then all gaps will be stopped. SUCCESS AHOY!

AFC West




Key Additions: Von Miller, Willis McGahee, Ty Warren, Daniel Fells

Key Departures: Jabar Gaffney

A Few Fast Facts About The Broncos:

– Von Miller missed practice all week because he’s still making .gifs of Beyonce at the VMAs.

– Tim Tebow was worth a first-round pick because he elevates an unremarkably poor team to an unremarkably poor team with an easy and readily available punchline.

– I watch a lot of tape and it’s apparent that Elvis Dumervil is a tough match-up for guys who struggle against really good players.

Over/Under for 2011: 5.5 wins


About as much as you’d expect from a team with Brandon Lloyd as its biggest offensive weapon.




Jim Zorn prepares to learn a valuable lesson in never talking.

Key Additions: Steve Breaston, Le’Ron McClain, Kelly Gregg

Key Departures: Shaun Smith, Brian Waters

A Few Fast Facts About The Chiefs:

– Todd Haley recently attended a Lil Wayne concert. From this he gleaned that it is a poor idea to let Drake call all of your plays.

– First-round pick Jonathan Baldwin has missed the preseason because he hurt his wrist getting into a locker room scuffle with Thomas Jones. Written myself into a corner with this joke. Know who could get me out? JAMAAL CHARLES! GIVE HIM MORE CARRIES, HALEY!

Over/Under for 2011: 7.5 wins


The presumption seems to be that the Chargers will retake this division with great ease, even though the incumbent champs, the Chiefs, got better during the offseason, while the Chargers more or less stood pat. But what do I know? Other than that rhetorical questions make horrible analysis.




Terrelle Pryor: Just as embarrassed for the Raiders as you are.

Key Additions: Kevin Boss, Terrelle Pryor (WHAT A CROP!)

Key Departures: Nnamdi Asomugha, Zach Miller

A Few Fast Facts About The Raiders:

– Previously undisclosed reason why Al Davis abstained from voting on the new CBA: sneaky corporate lawyer hid 15th century incantation that blocks the undead within the boilerplate.

– The Raiders have a player named Taiwan Jones. Chinese fans maintain that his first name is China. But he’s really insistent on this matter.

Over/Under for 2011: 6.5 wins


See where hope got them last year? Now, Raiders fans, go explain your experience to the Dawg Pound.


Ah, a majestic laserface if ever there was one. What to do with it? Moutheyes? Been done. Clever reference to optical illusion they busied you with in grade school? Seems promising.

Douche fountain or pair of douchey cloned quarterback? Which is it?

Key Additions: Peter King’s assurance of future big game loftiness


A Few Fast Facts About The Chargers:

– The team this week released long-snapper David Binn after 17 years. When asked what he remembers most about his time with the team, Binn paused and said he wasn’t sure and he’d have to think about it. The reporter was pissed that he didn’t get an answer he could use. He worried about what his editor would say.

– Ryan Mathews sucks. Sorry if that’s more blunt and obviously opinionated than the other facts in this prekkake, but it’s an important point to get in there.

– Oh, and Ryan Mathews fucking sucks.

Over/Under for 2011: 10 wins


Building on the performance of last season, the Chargers will lead the NFL in every single positive statistical category and still only win six games. A true masterstroke of the Norval arts.

This week, KSK is raising money for the Special Operations Warrior Fund through Matt Ufford’s Fight Gone Bad effort. Donate here. For more information, go here.

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