KSK 2012 NFL Prekkake: Houston Texans

08.16.12 6 years ago 31 Comments

Last year’s Texans made their first playoff appearance in franchise history and even recorded a postseason victory, despite being forced to start T.J. Yates at quarterback at the end of the season. Could be worse, given the alternative was Jake Delhomme and Jeff Garcia. Being hamstrung at quarterback was too much to overcome despite a valiant effort in a divisional round loss in Baltimore. Houston hopes to build on last season, presumably by hoping Andre Johnson and Matt Schaub don’t get hurt again.

Five Fast Facts About The Texans:

– If Mitt Romney wins in November, John Beck will leave the team to take over as Undersecretary of Overthrows for the new Mormon administration.

Peas fell to the 13th round in Arian Foster’s hippie commune organic veggie draft.

– When Whitney Mercilus saw the way Wade Phillips went after a double rack back of ribs, he had to consider how his family name’s claim to the word.

– Listed at 5’5″, potential kick returner Trindon Holliday is an inch shorter than Darren Sproles. TINIEST TRINDON!

– There will be racial unease when ardent fans of J.J. Watts take to calling themselves The Watts Rioters.

Notable acquisitions: Whitney Mercilus, Bradie James, Justin Forsett, Moran Norris, John Beck

Notable departures: Eric Winston, Mario Williams, DeMeco Ryans, Lawrence Vickers, Jacoby Jones, Matt Leinart


Vegas win total over/under: 10 wins

KSK verdict: PUSH

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Owen Daniels

Snake Dick is the type of player who will be in the top two or three at his position in yardage and possibly even scoring through Week 5, tweak something and be utterly shitastic the rest of the way forward. What’s worse, sometime around the beginning of December, there will be indication that he’s worked through his injury and ready to return to form. This is vicious lie and your faith will be rewarded with one catch for eight yards.

Fan forecast, by Houston Chronicle blogger and former Fanhouse writer, Stephanie Stradley:

I don’t like Dallas, the Dallas Cowboys, and particularly Jerry Jones. I despise everything about how Jones does his business. When terrible things happen to the Dallas Cowboys, an angel gets its wings. Somebody, please turn that into a country song.

So I particularly think it’s funny the most popular human in Houston is a guy that Jerry fired, Texans defensive coordinator Wade Phillips. You likely don’t really have a reason to root for the Texans but know the more success that the Texans have with Wade, the more it sticks it to Jerry, so there’s that. (Though it has rarely been easy being a Texans fan, they are an easy team to root for—the owner is nice, and the players are good guys).

Here’s some thoughts about the 2012 Texans Season:

Health. Texans won a playoff game last year with a backup backup rookie quarterback. Matt Schaub, Arian Foster, and Andre Johnson played together for a total of 3 quarters in 2011.

Schaub has looked good in camp. Foster and backup running back Ben Tate have had their best camp together. Johnson is being treated like delicate china to preserve him for the season.

NFL success is about health in key spots, endurance and luck, and maybe the Texans get those things this year. Albert Haynesworth doesn’t have a team, so the years where Schaub doesn’t face him tend to be healthier ones. Minor exaggeration but not really a joke.

Balance and Coaching. The Texans were the most balanced team in the NFL last year with their offense, defense and special team performance. Pre-Wade, the Texans could only win shootout games because the defense was whatever the word is for the most unwatchable thing in the universe. Post-Wade, the defense finally has adult-supervision, so all those good players the Texans drafted on defense for many years has someone who knows how to coach NFL defense.

From top to position coaches, I think the Texans have assembled one of the best coaching staffs in the league. It was a slow patient process, because sometimes it is hard to get coaches out from under contracts, but Texans owner Bob McNair is a patient guy. They finally have proven schemes on both sides of the ball, and coaches who know how to teach them. I like their chances.

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