KSK 2012 NFL Prekkake: Jacksonville Jaguars

08.01.12 5 years ago 47 Comments

The 2011 Jaguars were an utterly unwatchable squad of slapdicks, though they did somehow manage to defeat the Ravens on Monday Night Football. During the off-season, Jacksonville seemed prime to acquire hometown hero and TV blackout deterrent, Tim Tebow. However, given a preference of which team he would prefer to be dealt to from the Broncos, Tebow opted for the heathen Jets over the Jaguars. Meanwhile, NFL.com is headlining the Jags season with the story that Tebow will visit late in the season.

Five Fast Facts About The Jaguars:

– Aaron Ross is married to an Olympic sprinter. She’ll be in the 400-meter final on Sunday. If she wins, she’ll have one more gold medal than he has Super Bowl rings. “No, I’ll totally catch up,” he says dolefully looking at his Jaguars contract.

– Eben Britton hosts a show on NPR. He also plays for the Jaguars because it’s “ironic”.

– Blaine Gabbert belongs to a group of Bronies. He’s terrible at quarterback so people have other things to make fun of him about.

– The Jaguars are now allowing fans to bring outside food into the stadium. In other news, there will be five pieces of food in EverBank Field this season.

– Austen Lane only listens to dubstep remixes of Kidz Bop.

Key acquisitions: Laurent Robinson, Aaron Ross, Chad Henne (lulz), Lee Evans (LULZ), Justin Blackmon (still unsigned), Reggie Corner (already on IR)

Key departures: David Garrard, Drew Coleman, Nick Harris

Vegas win total over/under: 5.5 wins

KSK verdict: UNDER

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Marcedes Lewis

After a couple years of middling production, Marcedes put up 700 receiving yards and 10 touchdowns in 2010, suckering the Jaguars into giving him a five-year, $35 million contract and probably more than a few fantasy owners into taking him after the cream of the tight end class had been skimmed off. Lewis followed up his breakout season by regressing to the mean and then some, ending 2011 with 460 yards. He also didn’t register a single score in a full season for the first time in his career. Some of that is probably owed to playing with Gabbert, though he had a wealth of drops all on his own. To bounce back, Marcedes has been doing the famed Jay Glazer MMA Bro workout during the off-season. Still, coaches have said that he reported camp in horrible shape.

Fanboy forecast, by lawyer and raging Twitter virtuoso, @BurritoBrosShit:

Being a Jaguars fan as of late has been a lot like what I imagine living in post-Saddam Iraq is like. While one day can bring something relentlessly positive, like the power being turned on, the next day can bring something equally soul-crushingly depressing, like a car bomb.

While Mike Mularkey has been responsible for the development of Matt Ryan into an elite NFL quarterback, the Falcons never won a playoff game during his tenure. While the Jaguars do have one of the league’s best RBs, he has one of the league’s worst agents, the same one who took years to get Forte a new contract and has somehow put it into MJD’s mind that he should holdout with two years left in his deal. While David Garrard and his silly hats are gone, Blaine Gabbert has replaced him. While the Jaguars did try to inject life into its offense by drafting a WR, it turns out that he just so happens to be an alcoholic. While the Jaguars did hire the best football coach in the world, Ron Prince (RonP), it became blindingly clear by the third day of training camp that coaching the offensive line is not his strong suit. While the Jaguars are now owned by a man that is best described as a low-rent Bond villain, well… I can’t think of anything negative about that. However, the Jaguars also drafted a punter in the third round of the draft. And this also happened:

It is safe to say that there is not much hope in Jacksonville. And while that sounds like a bad thing, it really isn’t. When your expectations are absolutely fucking rock-bottom, any positive news is great! So what if the star defensive tackle almost lost his eyesight in an alleged bar brawl in which he took a bottle to the eye socket! So what if most, if not all, experts have declared Blaine Gabbert to have severe deficiencies in his game! Hey, it’s the little things that count!

Look, there isn’t any way to sugarcoat this: The Jaguars are fucked. Supremely fucked. I honestly cannot think of anything positive to come out of this team. Maybe we had a fucking chance when Manning had a handicapped permit hanging over his mirror last year, but fucking Blaine Gabbert fucked it all up with his noodle-dick arm. Now we have some asshole that sounds like he has a severe milk allergy in Indianapolis that everyone thinks is the next coming of Peyton, the goddamn offensive blitzkrieg machine that is Houston, and an oddly compelling clusterfuck of a team in Tennessee, we can’t win without a good offense and the punter can’t do goddamn everything.

Unless Mularkey somehow can make Gabbert believe that he is not made out of paper-mache, and if Maurice Jones-Drew decides to come back from exile, and if any other wide receiver besides the drunk one decides to use the appendages that are hanging from the useless nubs that are their arms, the Jaguars defense, which actually is one of the few positives of the team, will be forced to do all of the work.

Fantasy-wise, I think the Jaguars D could be a decent pick-up, however I do think that if the offense is as shitacular as it seems already, I may not start them unless they are playing an equally awful offense. Also, our kicker seems to be rather good, but if you are drafting a kicker in fantasy, you should be shot in the face and left in the streets for the crows to pick out your eyes. If you draft anyone on the Jaguars offense besides MJD, you are a goddamn moron.

The Jaguars are a thoroughly depressing team that is not worth following, unless you live here, and even then only if you like pain in a sick and sadistic way. I don’t know why LA wants the team so badly, because once there, the Jaguars will suck all the fun out of the city and every single Hollywood movie produced will be sparse and depressing films created in the style of Dogme 95. I have the Jaguars winning 4-5 games. Goddamn you.

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