Last year: 8-8, second place in AFC East
Acquisitions: Chris Johnson, Eric Decker, Calvin Pryor, Michael Vick, Jace Amaro
Departures: Antonio Cromartie, Mark Sanchez, Santonio Holmes, parking lot masturbater Kellen Winslow
Vegas 2014 win total over/under: 7 wins
Five fantasy players less frustrating than Chris Johnson:
— A vacant roster spot
— Aaron Hernandez
— Tim Tebow
— Practice squad players
— A beanbag chair with a helmet on it
Fan forecast by Lord Revisisle:
Friends, Kountrymen, Drunkards! Welcome back to another season with Rex Ryan and his Pussytubing Brigade.
Before I delve into my preview, I have to celebrate the departure of El Shitbox and his buttfumbling ways. Congratulations for orchestrating one of the most pitiful plays in sports history. You were a virtuoso of incompetence. May you fade into the dustbin of terrible USC Quarterbacks. Most of you will probably miss the terribleness of Mark Sanchez as QB of the Jets, but there is always the chance he will cheer you up by sabotaging another green-clad Northeastern sports team with a loathsome fan base that hasn’t won a championship since the conclusion of the Vietnam War. He’s all yours Eagles.
Now with that out of the way, let’s move on the latest rendition of North Jersey’s second finest football team. 2013 was probably the epitome of the Rex Ryan era Jets: Strong defense, a relatively robust run game, an air attack that rivaled the Iraqi Air Force during Desert Storm, and a fuckton of turnovers committed by the quarterback. However, the Jets did surprise everyone by breaking even despite having another atrocious offense. They beat some high-caliber teams but, they also were blown out by a couple of teams of relatively equal or inferior quality and were worth jackshit on the road. So, typical volatile Jets under Rex. All in all, the Jets did enough to secure Rex another year and things are looking like the Jets will make some progress to return as a playoff-caliber team.
However that said, the Jets are still a flawed team and imbalanced team. On defense, they have one of the most capable, dynamic, disruptive and game-changing defensive lines in the sport. Their linebacking corps is also stout. Of course that leaves us with the secondary. The optimistic way to evaluate the secondary is that they are “young, but improving”; the more accurate version is that they are “in deep shit”. Anchored by such titans of the game such as Kyle “What the fuck, a defensive holding penalty on a 3rd and 25 in the 4th quarter on a receiver on the other side of the field from where the ball was thrown, you fucking shithead” Wilson and Dee “Oh Shit! They’re throwing at me again” Milliner, I have a strong feeling this is how a lot of opposing teams’ offensive series will look like:
• 1st & 10: Short run
• 2nd & long: Short run
• 3rd & long: 15 yard completion/defensive holding
After this scenario plays out after ten times, you might even be able to hear me butting my head against the wall, wailing “Mike Tannebaum, give me back my Revis!”
As for offense, the offensive line and cadre of running backs should be a strength as it has been for the last couple of seasons. Some weapons were added to the receiving corps, so it ought to be better than it was last season, of course it would be difficult to not be an improvement considering how shitty the passing game was. This leaves us with the quarterback situation. Geno Smith had a very rough first year. Mike Vick was brought in and will probably see some action during the season. Though things did not work out favorable for him the last time he took control in a situation involving another living being on a short leash. Of course he’ll probably suffer a concussion or ten before the season ends. Let’s see if the Jets can have a quarterback be something more than the intermediary between the center and running back/team scapegoat. I can only hope the quarterback play will be at the “not actively sabotaging the team” level as I’ve grown accustomed to these past few years.
All in all, I am cautiously optimistic. I think this team can pull off a winning season and might make the playoffs. But it is also just as likely they will fall flat and go under .500. This team after all is very much in a rebuilding phase. If that happens, I will start a petition to get Woody Johnson to change his name to “Cock Pecker” or “Dick Slong” or something along those lines.
J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS! Look, everyone, I can spell!