Last year: 11-5, AFC Finalists, an achievement the Colts are extremely proud of.
Acquisitions: Frank Gore, Andre Johnson, Trent Cole, Phillip Dorsett, a naked Todd Herremans
Departures: Reggie Wayne, Gosder Cherilus, Ahmad Bradshaw, Trent Richardson, LaRon Landry
Vegas 2015 win total over/under: 11 wins.
Verdict: PUSH. Colts once again win their dogshit division and lose in the playoffs.
What’s funnier about them this year?
— Is there any doubt they’re going to get destroyed in that Week 6 game just after Tom Brady returns from suspension? And it’s in Indy? The Fat Humps will get all worked up calling the Pats cheaters only to watch their team get obliterated again. My goodness, that’s going to be embarrassing.
— They had an obvious need for help in the defensive front and yet drafted another receiver in the first round. So while that means they’ll drop 40+ points on shitty teams early in the year, it just means getting ground to dust by teams that can actually run the ball later in the season.
— As Andrew Luck enters his fourth season and continues to put up ever more gaudy stats, he’ll increasingly get dumped on for being a turnover machine in the postseason and not winning the big one. Is that entirely fair? Not really. Will I laugh anyway? Yup! And I don’t even dislike Hodor. I just love Indy having to deal with another Peyton narrative.
— Jim Irsay has miraculously gone more than a year without having a pill bender and burning down the stadium. That can’t last much longer.
What’s less funny about the Colts this year?
— They gave up on Trent Richardson! Surely that’s a reasonable thing to do, though leave it to Irsay to go about it in a dickish way intended to screw a player out of money. It’s no fun having Trent Richardson on the Raiders. He fits right in on that loser team! It’s better if he’s a laughable liability on a team that fancies itself a contender.
— It’ll be sad when Andre Johnson realizes that when he picked a team that will give him a better chance to get a championship, he chose one that will only get him slightly closer before inevitably failing.
— I kind of liked the crazy nine-point touchdown idea the team proposed back in March. It made me kind of fond of this unlikeable franchise for half a second.
Fan forecast by kommenter Leapin_Lizards:
What’s your favorite part of Groundhog Day? Is it the part where Bill Murray finally figures out what’s happening and corrects his mistakes? Well, then you are not a Colts fan. No, we Humps enjoy the scenes where he wakes up and knows exactly what will happen but then screws up in some small way, only to do it all over again.
That’s the Colts. I KNEW we would lose to the Pats in the playoffs (hell, I predicted it in last year’s preview) because that’s just what we do. We make changes each year, breeze through the season then BAM. Pats.
So this offseason we tried to do things a little different:
We PURPOSEFULLY screwed up our draft so we don’t have to hear about how we screwed up the draft. Get that shit out of the way early.
We took Phillip Dorsett, who seems good and DeSean Jackson-ish, which is cool, but seriously who gives a shit? We can’t stop the run. Andrew Luck has more weapons than a white man in Arizona who lives next to a Mexican family, but it doesn’t matter because we can’t stop the run. We got Kendall Langford from the Iggles which is… something? But it doesn’t matter. Teams just know they can run every single stupid up-the-gut play on us. Being a Colts fan is kind of like having a slutty daughter who goes to Harvard – you’re super proud, she does the right things most of the time and gets ahead in life, but you also know she’s letting everyone inside. When I walk into a bar with my Colts jersey on and we’re playing a team with a good running game they give me that same look as that dad gets when he scans the crowd as his daughter gets her diploma – “All day buddy. All day.”
But this year’s team is definitely better, especially on offense. After having finally rid ourselves of Trent Richardson (You know how in The Walking Dead whenever a character tries walking backwards to escape zombies they trip up? That was Trent on every single snap. I don’t feel anger towards him, the poor guy saw zombies on every play. That must have been terrible) we upped and stole human cinderblock Frank Gore. I just hope we can do like the Niners and not use him as much as we should. It’s much better to let him gain momentum, then get five snaps in the second half while Andrew Luck rolls out before throwing the ball away because everyone knows our option plays suck.
Bidding farewell to our sweet sweet prince Reggie Wayne was tough, I mean he was the heart of the team for so long but NFL fans are like dogs – “Sad to see you go Reggie. SQUIRREL!” and by squirrel I mean “Andre Johnson”. He’s like a rage squirrel, but his fluffy tail is actually a helmet made of rage and frowns. Words cannot describe how excited I am to get him on our team. He absolutely murdered us whenever we played the Texans, now he’s on our side and he’s playing with a chip on his shoulder, which is an improvement over Reggie who played with a chip in his elbow.
On defense we got rid of LaRon Landry. Good riddance. The only thing he brought to the table were flyers for 10 percent off “personal training” memberships and a VIP discount to GNC. Besides that we locked up Vontae Davis and got Robert Mathis back and now that he’s probably impregnated his wife he’ll be playing with reckless abandon and empty balls, which will make him more aerodynamic. Besides from the odd game when we lose by 50 points our defense will be fine. BUT WHO CARES ABOUT DEFENSE WE HAVE 40 RECEIVERS.
I’m loving the “makeover” the Colts have undergone in the past few years under Ryan Grigson. When he came in we only cared about stupid Dungy-stuff like character and speed and white people. Now the Colts organization realizes that people who go to Miami U may be terrible humans, but they can ball, so sign em up.
We’re finally on the right track, people. I’m excited to see how we can find another new way of losing to the Patriots this season. But when we lose, we’re totally going to snitch on those idiots like Elliott on Vega in Mr. Robot if it means that in the next couple of years we finally get to fuck Andie MacDowell.