It’s been snowing and you haven’t been able to get out of the house. You had to work late. The kids kept you up all night and you ran out of time to make the “love coupons” book you give your beloved every year. Maybe you just met your valentine ten minutes ago waiting in line at the coffee shop. Maybe your valentine doesn’t even know they’re going to be your valentine because you still have to woo them with a pithy Tinder comment or sexy Snapchat or whatever it is single people do these days. Maybe your valentine is in bed next to you right now and maybe it would be a good idea to go check the mail on the counter so you could figure out their name to put on a valentine.
Whatever your excuse is for not having a valentine ready to send out to your amor, KSK cares about your love life and would just like to see you happy this Valentine’s Day. Don’t have a card? A flowers? Candy? Porterhouse for two? Send them one of our special KSK Valentine’s Day candies and they will be sure to be yours because nothing says romance like football and a JPEG you got from the internet.
Warning, do not actually use this one if your potential valentine knows they were on the second string.
Helpful if you want your lover to know this is a FIGHT CLUB-level of sex night and they should pick up a pair of yellow rubber gloves on the way home.
Good if you’re Ozzie Newsome and you need a gentle way to release Michael Oher this month.
It’s like being a Greek god, but with more arguing over stat corrections.
Hey girl, are you a fine fleece because I want to cut your sleeves off.
GRONK, GRONK, GRONK GRONK GRONKITY GRONK GRONK.
Warning, may lead to some terrible tickle battle. Or a concussion. Hard to say which is worse.
So dumb that we talk about stages of sex using baseball terms. Those fans aren’t getting laid, and if they are, they’re whispering about Johnny Cueto’s WAR in your ear. First base should be a first down, second base should be the red zone, third base should be a field goal and a home run is a touchdown.
Breakfast the next morning is the point after. Two point conversion is a hook-up that turns into a second date.
Preferably a married couple.
This candy isn’t for everyone, just us sexy people.
A cry for puppy love validation or that you noticed a copy of 50 Shades of Grey on their bookshelf.
ELITE! You brushed your teeth, you’ve been using lip balm all week, you use the right amount of tongue. You will also take up 80% of the blanket, but that’s what you get with an ELITE kisser.
$20 says Jay used this at least once or twice on a date.
Putting things on little candy hearts makes bad things at sound appealing somehow. Send this one to someone who knows absolutely nothing about football.
Why thank you. I’ve been doing extra toe raises lately.
Seems a bit forward and butch. Send this one to someone you hope to wrestle bears with this Valentine’s Day.
Important for everyone involved.
If the previous candy heart goes wrong.
Listen, don’t wait around hoping your loved one is going to ask you to marry them this Valentine’s Day. Passive aggressively send them candy hearts telling them exactly what you want this Valentine’s Day.
Frankly this heart is a little overrated.
Awww. Put this one on Facebook and tag each other in the photo. Make everyone barf for the rest of the day, silently resentful at your happiness. Victory!
Well, you do.