Woah, hey, man. Is this thing on? Looks on, but I can never tell with these things, man.
Hey there internet, it’s me, Tommy Chong. They asked me to talk about this football game or something, but I’m not really big into sports, dig. I’m supposed to pick a Super Bowl winner, but why choose, you know? If you ask me, you should, like, be able to have soup AND a bowl, man.
Anyway, I do respect that the game has teams that are both from states, like, totally hip to the cause, man. And, if you’re not part of the cause, you’re totally part of the solution, man. Wait a minute, is that how it goes? Pretty foggy up here in the old Chong Chamber (points to head) if you catch my drift, man. Get it? Because it’s like bong, and my name is Chong, man.
(Clears bong load)
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, man, the cause. Riiiighteous! Now that big brother is finally, like, passing (chuckles) pro-marijuana laws, instead of holding (chuckles) us in cells, or whatever, Colorado and Washington have totally, like, legalized it, man! Super bowls for all!
(Clears another bong load)
So I’d like to, uh, take a few minutes and clear (chuckles), like, some of the resin off of these dirty rumors being spread about mother Mary, man.
1. Is weed a drug? Is the cure for cancer a drug? No, really. Is it, man? You’re gonna have to tell me, ’cause I’m not, like, a science guy or anything, man.
2. Is weed safe? Sticks and stones can break your bones, man. So just, like, make sure your grow house is up to OSHA standards, and it’s smooth sailing, man.
3. Is weed a drug? Is the cure for…wait a minute, man. I already covered that one!
4. Does Pete Carroll smoke weed? Well, his last name is literally, like, Car Roll, man. You ever hot-boxed Pete’s neighbor’s wife’s Lexus heading up the 405, man? Anyway, Pete’s a pretty chill dude.
5. Is weed a gateway drug? Just for more weed, man.
6. If weed is so safe, why is it still not legal everywhere in the U.S.? Well, you’ll have to ask those fat cats in Washington, man. There isn’t any gold left in Fort Knox, but none of the taco trucks in D.C. are hurting for business. Coincidence? I think not, man.
7. Does weed cause memory loss? I’m going out for a sandwich. You want anything, man?
8. Will weed affect your mood? Not like ‘ludes, man. Just ask my former cell buddy. When he first showed up he was a wreck, always pacing around, asking if I had any bootleg adderall, man. Nah, man. I was just trying to grow basil in the toilet, minding my own business, man. He’s doing good now though. Gone all Hollywood from what I hear.
9. What about productivity? Doesn’t weed make you lazy? Nah, man. I get plenty of exercise walking my chia pet. And this bean bag is totally functional. Just feels good on my sciatica, man.
10. Does Peyton Manning smoke weed? He should, as much as by buddy O. Muhaw is paying him to endorse his farm, man.
11. Will weed be a popular topic of discussion during the Super Bowl itself? Maybe not during the game, man. But it’ll be all anyone’s talking about afterward. Flea just ordered a couple custom drumsticks that double as one-hitters. But you didn’t hear that from me, man.
12. Who do you think will win the Super Bowl? Hey, can I get some bus fare, man?