Guys, I am about to give you my expert Super Bowl pick. Are you ready for this? Because it’s gonna be ROCK SOLID.
Winning team: more points
Losing team: less points
Feeling confident that’s how it’ll play out. Just one of those gut feelings, you know.
The reason I don’t give a specific score is because I did that last year and I was wrong. I know, SHOCKER! Anyway, I picked the 49ers to win. I don’t remember by how much. Then, a few weeks after the game, I’m out eating dinner and this angry bro storms up to my table and starts freaking out because I supposedly lost him all this money. He told me he put a huge bet on the 49ers based on my pick. I’m like, DUDE, why are you making a wager based on MY pick? How is that a good idea? What makes you think I have any actual insight into the game? I don’t know shit. I just gave an answer because someone asked me and I blurted out a score.
So then I felt kinda bad because even though this dude is stupid, he did lose a bunch of money in a way because of me. I might’ve also been a little drunk. So I said, “You know what, dude, I’m gonna make it up to you.” I ask the waiter to get us another chair and have Jeff – yes, he was a Jeff – to join us. Like, I’m not gonna cut this dude a check for the cash he lost but I can talk to him and get him some food.
So we shot it for a while and he ended up being an okay guy once he got past the initial I-cost-him-a-fortune thing. In fact, the group I was with ended up going out after dinner and we invited Jeff to come with us. We all got super trashed at the bar and I didn’t realize this until later, but I gave him my number. Of course, I didn’t find that out until he called me a couple days after. Luckily, he wasn’t being creepy and sending me dick pics or anything. I did find out, however, that he got a DUI the night we all went out drinking. Yeah, a DUI.
I felt terrible. Like, again, not technically my fault, but I still felt like I’m ruining this dude’s life! I cost him thousands of dollars on a bet and now I got him arrested! So I cut him a deal. I told him I’m gonna make a Super Bowl pick just for him for this year. I can’t tell you because God forbid someone else tries this and I have to go through this ordeal all over again. If my pick is right, he wins and we’re square. If not, I’m just gonna give him the money he lost on the two bets. I mean, fuck it, I got that kind bank. I can do it. You can’t put a price on a clear conscience.
So, anyway, this is why I fucking hate the Super Bowl now.
[Story is reblogged under the headline “ZOMG, Another Reason Jennifer Lawrence Is Totes Our Girlfriend” by Buzzfeed, Gawker, Uproxx, Vulture, Huffington Post and a million other entertainment sites]