The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are incredibly excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Dallas! Up first, it’s San Diego Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers.
King Laserface is a great many things. Best field general ever. Watchword for bravery. Spiritual leader of the abstinence movement. Master of the Float. Conqueror of the Fetushead. Unattainable standard of achievement for those with false hope. Living example of humility. But I am also a devout man.
There are times when even those as incredibly blessed as I turn to the heavens and question why it is I am forced to bear the cross of scrot-throat Norval as a millstone albatross keeping me from the many championships that are my destiny.
WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU, NORV. YOUR CONTINUED EMPLOYMENT STANDS IN DEFIANCE OF GOD’S WILL!
But then God sent a personal message to Laserface on Sunday by having both Cutlerfucker and LaToeInjury epically ass-cream the bed in their conference championships. Did you see lil’ Cutty mope around like a pregnant preteen who’s forced to trade her newborn for another score of meth. Sorry, I don’t know where that came from. Just trying to imagine life in Santa Claus, Indiana.
By pussing out from his inevitable collapse with an injury that the inferior quarterback who I displaced as starter played with all season, all the world now knows that the path of Rivers is the way to football salvation. Would I have quit on my team with some silly ligament strain? FUCK AND NO! Football fans remember the 2007 AFC Championship Game, when I took the field with a boar spear through my throwing hand and still almost won even though the Patriots cheated and added three more spears before the game ended. IT’S ON THE FUCKING TAPE! WATCH IT!
Sunday also showed how all my previous titles were sabotaged by incompetence. What’s wrong, LaToeInjury? Rex Ryan suck your bunions tender so you couldn’t drop one single sorry-ass yard into the end zone? YOUR DEVIANT SEXUAL LIFESTYLE WAS YOUR UNDOING! GOD BRINGS A MIGHTY SMITING UPON THE CROMARTIE LEGION OF BASTARDS AND THE FAT MAN’S THIRST FOR FOOT FUCKING!
History will recall this as a turning point when the retard – possibly Mooslim – holdouts finally embraced Laserface as their true champion and conduit to a higher power. Men will become men again, and Cutlerfuckers will be stoned for their pussyanimousness. Let it be so!
Oh yeah, this year’s Sucker Bowl. You did the right thing by asking somebodddddaaaayyyyy, Not that anyone cares because I’m not there, but fuck Rapistperver. Everyone knows King Laserface is the true gem of the ’04 quarterback class. No more rings for you, Rapenstein. Not that it matters since I will single-handedly impel my super soldiers to minimum eight consecutive championships beginning next year, until such time that success bores me and the league names me commissioner, whereupon I will eliminate all franchises I dislike, which is most of them.
ONLY THEN WILL THE TRUE AGE OF LASERFACE DAWN ON THE EARTH AND AN AGE OF ABSTINENCE AND FLOATS WILL MARK A GOLDEN AGE OF MAN!