Thanks to KSK’s Video Game Journalism team, an elite squad consisting of, well, pretty much all the writers here, Kissing Suzy Kolber was able to simulate and predict the outcome of Super Bowl 48 with a wide variety of video games. Below are our findings. Feel free to use them to help you consider betting strategies prior to the big game rolling around.
NBA Jam: Broncos win by 7, because Peyton Manning is perpetually locked in Big-Head Mode.
Shenmue: Peyton Manning spends the entire game asking if anyone knows where sailors hang out. He is sacked 9 times. Seahawks win by 14.
Kirby’s Dream Land: The Evil King RogRogRog has removed all the coffee from the press box, so PK embarks on an magical quest to retrieve it. PK accidentally inhales and swallows the entire Broncos offensive line. Seahawks win, but PK now has the power to run block.
Red Dead Redemption: Broncos by 12 based on a riverboat gambling fix and the bounty placed on our heads when we accidentally stole a horse because it was tied up RIGHT NEXT TO OURS COME ON. (Also a cougar came out of nowhere and killed us three times on the Seahawks run through so we’re a bit bitter about that.)
MLB: The Show: Did you know Russell Wilson was drafted by the Rangers? Seahawks by 14.
Earthbound: Just when all hope seems lost for your favorite team, your heartfelt prayer reaches the ears of your favorite player and, with your help, your favorite team will triumph against all odds. Also, you’ll probably cry a bit.
Assassins Creed: Black Flag: Seahawks by 5, but only if you find all the sunken ships.
Fallout: New Vegas: Peyton Manning’s android body makes him the only player who can withstand the high rad levels in MetLife stadium. With his dying breath, Matt Prater uses V.A.T.S. to kick the most accurate field goal ever attempted. Broncos win.
Flower: Tie, but both sides still played for approximately 17 hours.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim: Marshawn Lynch uses the voice of the Dovakhiin to create his own running lanes with a mighty “FUS”. Seahawks by 11.
Call of Duty: Seahawks fans call everyone “fag” until everyone just leaves the stadium. Seahawks win by default.
Rayman Legends: A lack of limbs cripples the Seahawks secondary, and the Broncos win 28-7.
Professor Layton: Seahawks by 2 because WE LEFT A HORSE ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE RIVER WITH THE HAWKS. GODDAMNIT THEY TOLD US THE HAWKS WOULD EAT THE HORSES IF THE HORSES WERE OUTNUMBERED AND THEY WERE LEFT ALONE. Now we’ll never know the secret of the spooky English town we’re in.
Journey: Who cares if there is even a football game anymore we just need to go stare at the horizon and contemplate our own insignificance.
Animal Crossing: Russell Wilson hasn’t played in like a year, so the turf is full of weeds and his teammates are passive-aggressive. He fumbles while scrambling after tripping over a rotten apple and the Broncos win, 14-7.
Monkey Island: Knowshon Moreno racks up 200 yards rushing and 3 touchdowns while the entire Seahawks defense keeps telling everyone within earshot that they’re selling these fine leather jackets. Broncos win.
Prince of Persia: Peyton Manning takes one step forward and falls into a pit of spikes. Game Over. Seahawks win.
Pokémon: Seahawks ice the game with a massive 89 yard run after Marshawn Lynch evolves into Megashawn Lynch late in the 4th. Danny Trevathan uses Tackle, but it’s not very effective.
Final Fantasy: Tie. The game is called because Knowshon can’t travel 6 yards without being attacked by a Cactuar. Roger Goodell escapes angry fans after calling the game by fleeing on a golden Chocobo.
Resident Evil: The Seahawks escape with a win after halting a threatening drive late in the 4th. As time expires, Wilson breathes a sigh of relief. Jeez. He was almost a Russell sandwich.
Skylanders: Broncos win, but maybe they won’t if you convince your mom to buy you the Ultra Beast Mode Lynch figure for 25.99 at Toys’R’Us.
Star Fox: The Broncos win in double overtime after Knowshon Moreno is guided around a platoon of tacklers and into the end zone by an incorporeal image of his father piloting a fighter jet.
Minecraft: Creepers infest MetLife stadium the morning before kickoff and destroy it. The game is postponed until Roger Goodell can mine enough ores to rebuild it, but he ends up making an elaborate recreation of Westeros instead. Tie.
Team Fortress 2: Broncos open up an early 77-point lead, and are able to hold onto it until the teams are auto-balanced late in the 3rd. Seahawks come back and win, 107-84.
Katamari Damacy: Seahawks by 3 points, because the blue and green Katamari picked up 32 horses while the orange and blue Katamari only picked up 29 hawks. The King of All Cosmos is disappointed in both teams’ efforts however, and shoots eye-lasers at Sidney Rice and Eric Decker.
Mario Kart: Seahawks jump out to an early lead, but the Broncos are able to pull off a win due to Golden Tate fumbling the ball after being struck by a spiky blue shell on a key drive.
Saints Row: Whoever gets the Dildo Bat first.
Candy Crush Saga: Seahawks cruise to an easy win, as matching candies is a breeze when they’re all Skittles in the first place.
WarioWare Inc.: Mega Microgame$!: Peyton Manning is not able to thread the needle to Demaryius Thomas. Oh no. Seahawks by 3.
ToeJam & Earl: Seahawks by 12 since Sherman can rap his way through anything.
Braid: Peyton Manning manipulates time to engineer the most devastating offensive attack seen in football history and the Broncos win. After the game, he will reveal that his entire performance was a deeply metaphorical allegory for the development of the atomic bomb.
A Boy and His Blob: Blob turns into Marshawn Lynch after eating the Skittles jellybean. Seahawks win.
The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time: Each offensive drive stalls when neither QB can figure out the water temple. Seahawks win 0-7 after Richard Sherman runs back an interception and spikes the ball into a golden skulltula.
Shadow of the Colossus: Seahawks by 12, because small annoying creatures beat giant slow-moving creatures like Peyton.
Rock Band: Seattle.
Angry Birds: I…come on. No. I refuse. The joke is too easy.
Mario Party: Everyone leaves the game with concussion-like symptoms after banging their heads on rotating dice blocks, and the game is unable to be played. Tie.
Mortal Kombat: Multiple fatalities. Sub-Zero wins.
Sonic The Hedgehog: Richard Sherman dyes his dreadlocks red, and suddenly gains the ability to glide gracefully in the air and climb up walls. He records 6 interceptions on the day, running 4 of them back for touchdowns. After the game, in lieu of a ring, he is awarded the Master Emerald. Seahawks win by 28.
Super Mario Bros. 2: Broncos win, but then Jack Del Rio wakes up and realizes it was all a dream.
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Pete Carroll racks up a record 64 consecutive delay of game penalties because he won’t stop screaming “Objection!” and attempting to argue against a holding call early in he 2nd half. Broncos win by 2 points.
Lemonade Stand: What Eli Manning will be playing this Sunday night. He gets a new high score and lasts a whole 7 days without going bankrupt on easy mode.