A lot of commotion is being made about Andy Reid possibly having creating a “blueprint” with which teams can defeat the Patriots. What sounds like an already tired media construct turned out to be true and KSK has secured a copy. Messrs. Billick, Tomlin, Mangini, Cameron and Coughlin, start your cribbing.
Fig. 1: Throw a bunch of inside routes. A football field has a width of 160 feet and you can use all of it. After all these years, the game still holds surprises. Also, Junior Seau’s bones defy carbon dating.
Fig. 2: Two words: familial strife. There’s a reason Tony Dungy and I have almost closed the deal. Good dad? Fuck you, go home and play with your kids. I have games to get tantalizingly close to winning but tanking in the end. And if I like skimming off of Garrett’s stash, all the better.
Fig. 3: Find scrubby QB who once beat Brady with an AFC East team. I got Mr. McFeeley. Find your own. Maybe trade for Sage Rosenfels, whatever. Drew Bledsoe isn’t going anywhere. Really, he’s been hanging out at the same Sbarro since May, nursing the same half-Barq’s, half-pink lemonade. Fucker is sick.
Fig. 4: Sign Devin Hester. Convince Pats to hire Mike Shanahan.
Fig. 5: Tell Wes Welker that to truly be scrappy, he must eat more scrapple. Titter heartily as his lightweight heart explodes after two servings.
Fig. 6: Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.
Fig. 7: Let your coordinators be your guide. Keep up the creative blitzing, Jim Johnson. Hey, Brady got sacked! How brilliant of me to let you dial that one up.
Fig. 8: Dress more slovenly than Belichick. It fucks with his mind more than sleeping with unmarried women.
Fig. 9: Order a bunch of pizzas for the Patriots that they don’t want. Eat pizzas anyway.
Fig. 10: Remember how quiet Gillette Stadium was? Not a coincidence. Sure, it just seems like it’s filled with a bunch of spoiled, thin-skinned bandwagon fans who were aghast about not being up by 31 points in the second quarter. Really, my flatus can change history.
Fig. 11: You know, I didn’t actually defeat New England. Why is everyone so interested in this thing?
Fig. 12: Threaten to raise Asante Samuel’s kids for him.