KSK Gamebook: Skins-Vikes on MNF

09.12.06 11 years ago 47 Comments

-Before last night’s game, I took my daughter out for a walk around the block. I passed by a neighbor who was cutting wood using something called a log splitter. It’s basically an axe blade attached to a hydraulic press. This thing is fucking sweet. Now, unlike some of our anonymous commenters, I’m not one to murder people and cut up their bodies into very small parts. But if I were, I’d totally use this thing. Joe Pesci could have used it in Casino. “I got yo head in a fucking log splitter!” Awesome.

-I got full viewing privileges for last night’s game courtesy of spending Friday evening watching The Family Stone with the Mrs. This was a horrible movie because Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t hit by a bus in it, and because Dermot Mulroney can’t fucking act. He even sucked as Dirty Steve in Young Guns. How does this asshole still find work?

-The first MNF game on ESPN began with a completely inexplicable opening sequence that played out like a shitty Tony Scott film. LaDainian Tomlinson had to deliver some disk to someone, or else Dwight Smith was gonna yell at him in the locker room about how he needs to fuck more women in stairwell or something. I saw episodes of Carnivale that were more coherent. But at least Governor Schwarzenegger was there at the end of it all, likely thinking of fiery hot, black-blooded Latina women during the entire shooting.

-Ah, but that was only phase ONE of the MNF opening. We still had an product-whoring GMC-centric montage to go, plus the debut of Hank Williams Jr. (still with fake beard) and all his “rowdy friends,” including Rick Nielsen, the beanie-wearing douchebag from Cheap Trick who always plays funny-looking guitars (You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars?). I’m assuming Nielsen got the gig by auditioning with the song, “I Want You To Want To Pay My Water Bill.”

-Joe Gibbs has no lips.

-While I hate the Redskins and everything they stand for, you have to hand it to Dan Snyder on the cheerleaders, whose outfits have designed for maximum camel toe exposure. I’m pretty sure I could make out some labia there. That’s furburgeriffic.

-This whole “have a player from the team introduce the offense” thing is even worse than the old trick of having each player stare into the camera to recite their name and a school they failed to graduate from, like it’s homeroom roll call. Just put the names on the screen. I can fucking read.

-Biggest play of the opening drive was Troy Williamson abusing Mike Rumph for a huge gain to set up the Chester Taylor TD. The Skins traded for Rumph, which is like trading for a cockpunch. On the other hand, “Rumph” has meast-like potential as a filthy word. You’ve got “rump” right in there. But the word also looks like “Triumph”. So Rumph should connote some sort of anal success.

-Ad roundup: IBM is still making expensive ads designed to impress itself and no one else. GM spent what looked like $10 million on an ad that shows its cars flying when they barely work on land. Michael Vick is apparently only an effective QB at the Nike high school level. Beer topping is rightfully deemed fucking annoying by Miller Lite. And Budweiser keeps pushing Bud Select as if it’s some kind of upscale product. It’s like those Natural Doritos you see in the supermarket.

-Theismann wasn’t quite as brutal tonight. But I will say this: By the end of any game Theismann covers, he not only believes that both team’s QB’s are first-ballot Hall-of-Famers, but that they piss Shafer Reserve Cabernet and shit nothing but gold krugerrands. The verbal dry humping he gave Brad Johnson last night was embarrassing. If Johnson had thrown the ball away on every pass attempt, Joe might have spontaneously orgasmed.

-Tom Cruise was on hand last night, perched in Snyder’s luxury box. And I’ll venture that’s the first time Cruise has been inside a box of any kind.

Photo doctored by Perez Hilton

-I’m obviously biased, but even I know that the flag on Sean Taylor (the original Meast) for his late hit was a garbage call that helped the Vikings dig out of a hole and gain crucial field position for their subsequent drive. Plenty of Vikings (including Greg Blue – BLUE, YOU’RE MY BOY!!!!) made similar hits last night with no flags anywhere in sight.

-ESPN included “Chris Berman’s Reflections On 9/11” in their halftime preview, which immediately made me picture the footage of New Yorkers running from the crumbling towers with Berman screaming, “Look at ’em go!” And that made me want to sit on a log splitter. I skipped the halftime show.

-The Redskins have a 700-page playbook, with apparently no plays designed for Brandon Lloyd included in it.

-Dwight Smith was suspended for this game for rumphing that chick over a railing. I’m betting he doesn’t regret it.

-Here’s why I hate sideline reporters like Michele Tafoya and the Patron Saint of this site. They always go long. ALWAYS. The guys in the booth are under strict orders to keep their shit brief and not interrupt the action, yet Tafoya is allowed to ramble on about stupid shit well through the next seven plays. This makes no sense. Why do I even need to see them up close? When they cut down to Suzy, her head fills up 90% of the screen. Suzy, you’re in my personal space. I don’t want to kiss you, dammit.

-A crucial play came during a Skins drive where Darren Sharper delivered a measty hit to Santana Moss, causing him to drop a sure TD catch. This hit eventually made the difference in the game. So Sharper gets my Double Dong Award for the night.

-Another crucial play: Antwaaaaaan Randle El failing to notice the first down marker on the Skins’ final drive. That’s a fucking high school mistake, and Randle El deserves a paddlin’ for it.

-All in all, this was a pretty good game. Largely because my team won and the douchebag Redskins lost. The Vikings actually looked like a professionally coached team, even as Erasmus James remains a master at getting a roughing flag at the most important fucking time. The Skins were inconsistent offensively, and still can’t rush the passer. Too bad, FedEx Field fans. But look on the bright side: You’re in Prince Georges County, with ample amounts of meth and toothless hookers to soothe your pain. Enjoy!

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