We haven’t done a gamebook in ages, so let’s bust one out for last night’s epic Viking BYEFAIL.
-The Land Baron had at least two balls that should have been picked off last night, and Cutlerfucker had a couple lousy passes as well. Here were some of the more delightful excuses Jaws and Gruden deployed to explain those horrid throws. 1. “It’s cold.” 2. “It’s a slick ball.” 3. “There’s dew on the turf.” No, really. Jaws said that. There was a great deal of dew on the turf, you see. Because the game was obviously being played at 8AM in the fucking morning. Listen, you two fuckhead apologists: When Purple
Jesus Xenu fumbled the goddamn game away last night, I didn’t hear anyone attribute the fuckup to dew on the turf. And do you know why? Because everyone would have said that excuse was pathetic and stupid. God, I hate you both so much.
-A couple weeks ago it was, “eye discipline.” This week’s Jaws Essential QB Trait was EYE MANIPULATION. Very, very important that you manipulate the eyes. Ultra-important. If you can manipulate the eyes, you can make them do anything. For example, I enjoy telling my eyes that if they don’t loan me $5,000, I won’t bother to visit them next Christmas. I mean, I really lay it on thick. They’re helpless to resist such callous manipulation.
-Jaws has a cadence when he talks. He starts low, THEN HE GETS REALLY FUCKING LOUD. AND. TALKS. IN. STACCATO. BEATS. He’s like a System of a Down song, and man do I fucking hate that band. “You see Brett Favre going deep down the middle to Shiancoe… EXPLOITING THE SEAM. FILLING IN WHERE THE LINEBACKER WAS. JUST. PITCH. AND. CATCH.” I hate this so much, I want to kill baby monkeys. You have a microphone, Jaws. It already allows your voice to be projected to millions of people at once, in perfect clarity. You don’t need to talk louder. It’s like my mom trying to use a cell phone. FUCK YOU, YOU BIG HEADED LIPFLAPPER.
-Jon Gruden refuses to call any football team a “Team”. It’s always a “program”. “When they brought THIS GUY, Jay Cutler, into this program…” Holy underwear. Hey Gruden, this is not Boise State you’re covering. It’s not a program. The head coach isn’t sneaking into players’ kinesiology class to make sure they’re in attendance, or speaking at booster lunches, or covering up frat house rapes. It’s not a fucking program. It’s just a team.
-How the fuck does Jay Cutler see out of his helmet? He pulls it down right over his eyes. He looks like a member of Suicidal Tendencies. That didn’t stop him from tearing the Vikings apart last night, but still. Between the helmet and the bangs, the guy has a fucking blast shield over his eyes.
-Once again, we find that no broadcaster on Earth is content to merely address Brett Favre by his last name only. No, no. It always has to be his first and last name. “When Brett Favre throws the ball…” “When you have a Brett Favre on your football team…” “That’s what Brett Favre does for you…” Cockstirrers. You mentioned Favre literally every ten seconds last night. At that point, you can use pronouns. You really can. “He” will work just fine. I’ll know exactly whom you’re referring to. It’s not like you noticed anyone else on the fucking field.
-Jaws mentioned that Favre has audibled a grand total of ten times during the course of the season, and explained this away by saying, “That’s just not part of Brett Favre’s game.” O RLY? Oh well, that’s cool. Good to know that adjusting to a better play isn’t in his repertoire. “What’s that, coach? There are nine in the box? Well, I would audible to a quick slant, but that’s just not part of my game. What, coach? You want me to throw a screen pass? Sorry. Also not part of my game. I can fumble though. Would you like me to fumble? That’s totally in my game.”
-I can’t watch any IBM of UPS ad without hearing the phrase “supply chain” 9,000 times. “Okay, here’s your supply chain…” No, asshole. I have no supply chain. I supply nothing. I suppose, in your magical world of buzzing economic activity, I also sell widgets. First of all, you’re going to have to grease the local politicians for the sudden zoning problems that always come up. Then, there’s the kickbacks to the carpenters, and if you plan on using any cement in this building, I’m sure the teamsters would like to have a little chat with ya, and that’ll cost ya. Oh, and don’t forget a little something for the building inspectors. Then there’s long-term costs such as waste disposal. I don’t know if you’re familiar with who runs that business, but I assure you it’s not the Boy Scouts.
-I’m not sure Peterson will ever stop fumbling. Fucking idiot. THIS WAS YOUR HEEL TURN, BITCH. THE ONLY THING YOU DO ALL DAY IS LAY THE BALL ON THE FUCKING TURF.
-I have nothing else to say. My favorite team has decided to eat shit and lose three of four, and will almost certainly now end up getting trashed by Aaron Rodgers two weeks from now in the ultimate act of revenge. Goddamn fucking cocksucker cunt.