02.12.15 3 years ago 105 Comments

Trevor Risk walks up to the KSK office this morning, like every other morning.

Quickly he remembers today is a day different than most. A wild crowd of kommenters has stationed themselves out front chanting “BRING BACK MATT!” so completely out of unison that it sounds more like white noise. In the distance, Arthur Blank is observed casually recording the sound. Stroking his moustache, he impetuously runs away to tie a Mountie to the railroad tracks. Darting between the protestors as politely as possible, Risk is eventually recognized by a wild Cuntler and a seething Sill Bimmons, who manage to stammer out a stabbing “SCAB!” towards Trevor, but quickly are distracted enough by an R-rated photo of a young redhead that our hero can escape into the office and towards Christmas Ape’s desk.

“So today’s the day, huh?” questions Ape.

“Seems like it,” calmly retorts Trevor, noticing a Lamborghini Countache poster hanging above him.

“They’re going to want to know your credentials. What do you have?”

/door flies open as a, like, REALLY foxy wife appears

“That’s fine,” says Ape, shuffling around a stack of papers a meter high that on closer inspection is Peter King’s recent dissertation titled Rapists In the Workplace: The New America. “But looks aren’t everythi-“

/foxy wife pulls out hunting rifle, disassembling and reassembling it in 40 seconds while simultaneously preparing tiramisu and training the office dog, “QB Beagles” on how to play dead

“Sorry for the humblebrag,” quips Risk, with a Kevin Arnold-esque eyebrow raise.

“Listen, you’re already dealing with replacing a goddamn legend. We don’t need you Canadianing up the place with your ‘sorrys’ and ‘humour’. Just try and fit in, and hopefully they don’t eat you alive. If you’re still breathing next week, perhaps you can continue this for another one after that.”

“Alright, I’ll try my darndest to honour the mailbag.”

Ape shakes his head and ignores Trevor until he leaves his office. As the door shuts behind him, he hears a faint sob from behind the office door, followed by what he thinks are the words “think I think”.

Heading down the office corridor towards his new station, he passes PFT Commenter, who offers him a Mad Dog.

“Thanks. I’m gonna need it.”

“thatll be six buck AMERIKAN”

Risk shells out the weird looking green money, takes a swig of the bottle, realizing that David Rappoccio has replaced the liquor (liqor?) with RGIII Triple Impact Gatorade, and sits down to address the nation.

Hey, everyone. I’m not Matt. Hopefully this is like Doctor Who where at first all the nerds are all “NOBODY CAN REPLACE DAVID TENNANT!” and then like in two seasons they’re all “DON’T GO MATT SMITH!” Most likely I’ll be the Henry Burris of this feature; a trivia name mentioned as a painful reminder that it’s difficult to find a reliable keystone.

And yes, I’m Canadian. So, make all the totally hilarious jokes about the CFL, Rob Ford, Justin Beiber, Kim Cattrall, “beaver”, the letter U, that kid from the Simpsons who is “slow, eh”, Inuit, apologies, Peter Jennings, beer, and especially hockey out of your system now. You good? Okay, on to the mailbag. Let’s not speak of Canada again.

Hi. Since I hear a Canadian has taken over this thing and football is over I figured I’d write in about my fantasy hockey team.



Lundqvist being out is a major drag for me, and he hasn’t been put on IR yet so I can’t move him off my roster and pick up his back up (who has decent stats). Taylor Hall, who is also listed as DTD is taking up my only IR+ spot. In terms of other goalie stats I’m lucky to have Braden Holtby on my team who is crushing it in a major way. I only need 3 goaltender appearances per week so it’s possible to squeak by with just Holtby playing actively. Should I just cross my fingers and ride out Lundqvist’s injury and just let Holtby carry my team, or do I drop Taylor Hall so I can put Lundqvist’s on IR+ and pick up his backup? I need every category is a tight contest right now.
We only do GAA, Wins and Save % in my league.

I’m a big fan of Holtby and I even thought he should be the 3rd stringer on Team Canada’s gold medal (fuck yeah) team in Russia. I mean, those dry-haired glory boys don’t do anything but try and sleep with Nordic skiers anyway. Holtby’s only 25 so he should get most of the starts, especially while the Capitals aren’t about to start Peters very often, and with Trotz’ defensive style, Holtby should hold up just fine to get you through until Lundqvist returns. However, Taylor Hall is out 4-8 weeks and even with the Oilers playing sort of better these days, he’s just dead weight on your team. Drop Hall, put Lundqvist on your IR bench, and pick up Talbot as insurance. Talbot is going to look great for a while, and I’m sure a team will pick him up next season and try and start him like the Islanders did with Johnson and the Hurricanes did with Khudobin after they both looked great when Rask was taking a night off.


Recently on a business trip I had lunch with a female friend I had a fling with a few years ago. Nothing happened on the trip and it was a fairly brief, spontaneous and platonic lunch. Because absolutely nothing lascivious

“Lascivious”? Who are you, Stuart Murdoch?

(or even flirtatious for that matter) happened I feel like I don’t have anything to “admit” to my girlfriend. I do very much love my girlfriend though, and it’s important to me to be honest with her.

What I’m struggling with is that “admitting” to it feels like I’d be way overplaying the significance of the lunch. However, if I keep it to myself, I’m kind of in a worse boat if it ever comes up somehow that I had lunch with this woman, because it will look like I had/have something to hide.

– Probably going to get yelled at one way or another

I knew a woman once who was talking to me about past boyfriends who told me she had said to her man-luggage “Tell me if something happens and it means anything. If it doesn’t mean anything, don’t bother.” Obviously I fell in love with her that day, although I’m sure I buggered it up with making her a mixtape or some other pathetic showcasing. Pardon the hyperbole, but this was the most self aware thing anyone has ever said ever, and if we all adhered by this rule, we’d be a much happier society, free of Ashley Madison pop-ups while we’re trying to scroll through ginger porn on reddit.

Minus that unicorn from my past, most people aren’t quite so actualized, so we have to reconcile those things known as human emotions. Keep in mind that one of the things about human nature (shout out, SWV) that we can almost always expect is that when people want to fight us, whether that’s physically on the street after the Bruins play the Canucks in your hometown this Friday and you live in Vancouver and you’re a Bruins fan (John Wensink jersey: ready to go) or passive aggressively in our live-in long-term relationships, the aggressors are looking for us to either fight them back or turtle in shame. The only way to deal with aggressors in any situation is to do neither. You have to act confidently in your stance. Remember the replacement Seymour Skinner who was getting screamed at by Agnes about staying in one Friday night and he casually just said he was going to a bar? That’s a strong man move right there.

I have an ex that I like to catch up with now and again, and although in some ways my wife isn’t terribly keen on the concept, the ex, her fiancé and the two of us have had a drink together before, and it’s been reasonable. If I were to hide it from my wife that I was secretly having lunches with her, she would be angry and rightly so. If I do want to see or text with the ex, I calmly mention that I’m going to see her, and if she appears to have a problem with it, I never get defensive. I tell her it’s her right to not be cool with it, and I leave it up to her whether we meet up or not. Inevitably she quickly shrugs and kisses me and it never even gets to a point where she has to say something as loaded as “It’s okay. I trust you,” because if you ever hear that, it’s a passive aggressive setup. NOW, if you are dealing with passive aggressive behaviour, heed the advice of my sage older brother who once said to me “The only way to deal with passive aggression is to pretend passive aggression doesn’t exist.” That’s some good older brother value right there.

Assuming your current lunch-with-ex situation is at least a week old, unfortunately you’re probably going to have to bury this one, and not bring it up. Bringing it up now is an admission of guilt and that’s at least a 36-hour problem, but going forward try and be honest and mention your plans without showing guilt.

Well, that’s the only question this week. No Matt, and no football. Welcome to the off season, everyone. Send any future mailbag questions to kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com.

/chugs syrup

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