This is the worst week of the year outside of useless-ass February for me. Not because it’s the holiday season and therefore jewelry commercials and other forms of weapons-grade schmaltz are omnipresent. Though that definitely isn’t helping. No, it’s because it’s cold as hell’s kitchen’s meat locker (Satan has to eat good, bitches), the sun is sets at 4:45 and IT’S STILL NOT EVEN WINTER YET.
Next week, there will come the obnoxious reminder that the official start of season has arrived. While on an intellectual level this doesn’t come as a surprise, it’s still jarring because it’s already been freezing for a goddamn month already and THERE’S STILL THREE MORE MONTHS OF THIS SHIT TO GO!
I must be missing some integral white boy genes because I can’t stand cold weather. Going outside for even the most basic tasks is an annoying ordeal. Because of that, people get more inactive and even more fat. The air is too damn dry and everything emits a shit ton of static electricity. Utility and gas prices go up. You have no choice but to wear pants at all times or suffer chill to the nether regions.
But, if the forbidding coldness produces nothing else positive, at least it compelled Ray Lewis to release his own branded snuggie. Keeps knifed corpses nice and toasty!
Anyway, your Meast for Week 14 is Arthur Moats, the godsend meastbacker who gloriously ended Brittfar’s streak of consecutive weeks of being a kid out there. Yes, we know him injuring Favre technically occurred in Week 13, but we weren’t yet certain at this point last week whether that would actually sideline the Dongslinger for his next game. In reality, it gave Favraro a case of the purple hands. Egregious oversight on our part and we are correcting it now. Also receiving consideration were DeSean Jackson, Darren McFadden, Michael Turner, Josh Wilson and Troy Polamalu.
Your co-Leasts for Week 14 are Hunter Smith and Graham Gano. Gano missed two chip shot field goals and the now released punter bobbled the snap on the would-be tying extra point. All in keeping with the Redskins much appreciated strategy to each week find new and spectacularly gruesome ways to lose. They’re like a think tank of suck. And now the fans are turning on McNabb. Merry Hatemas, all of us. Also receiving consideration were Carson Palmer, Kyle Orton, Santonio Holmes and the Metrodome roof.