In the giving, inclusive, and healthily competitive spirit of the Olympic Games, we here at Kissing Suzy Kolber have once again faced off in yet another KSK Mock Draft. It’s no secret that, like, almost half of Olympic events suck. More often than not, they’re either boring, corrupt, or boringly corrupt. We took great pleasure in, one by one, picking events to jettison off into the sun, never to be held again.
As always, it was a snake draft, and feel free to make your own picks in the comments. Or, you know, tell us how fucking wrong we are. Either way.
1. Tim Schavitz — Powerwalking
These bros go off, but they address a good point: “How do you explain to your parents that this is how you got a gold medal?”
2. Big Sandy — Greco-Roman Wrestling
(Ed. note: Be warned, this is probably the strongest #taek in the whole draft.)
The Olympics have tried to modernize through the years – witness the addition of snowboarding at the Winter Games – yet they, much like baseball writers, clutch to ideas of antiquity for reasons no sane person can fathom. What purpose does Greco-Roman wrestling serve anyone? So many of the Olympic competitions is about who can do things the best: who can run or luge faster, who can throw something the farthest, etc. For many of the ancient athletes, there were real-life implications: being fast could outrun a lion, I guess. Or you could throw a rock at your enemy, sure. Or you could race down a mountain on a sled to deliver a military message. Greco-Roman wrestling? Sure, one day it could show physical dominance over an opponent. But in the present, what good is it other than making dudes where weird unitards? When the zombie apocalypse hits, their will be good reason to be able to run fast, throw things far, or skate a long distance over a lake in nuclear winter. But Greco-Roman wrestling? What good is that against zombies? Plus, the living have guns so you’re fucked if you try to wrestle a dude. Also, I take umbrage with the fact that neither baseball or football (American) are Olympic sports but wrestling is in the 21st Century. “Yes! Another qualifying match in the 105kg class!” said no one since Jesus. Cut this shit and finally make jai alai an olympic sport.
3: Trevor Risk — Figure Skating
Never trust a sport that is judged. It’s like rooting for the academy awards. It’s basically trying to get some small, easily corruptible group of people to have the same opinion as you. It’s completely illogical to invest yourself into something that isn’t mathematical. It’s not settled with score, or will, or might. It’s settled by a group of turtle-necked beardos and weirdos sharing their respective artistic opinions. This theory can also be applied to college football; having the champion decided by writers and computers, eliminating any chance of an underdog. Every Olympics there’s always some controversy over judges blowing it like this year’s ice dancing, or the issue in 2002 with that foxy Canadian skater. If I have to hear Nancy Kerrigan caterwaul “WHYYYYYYYYY?” one more time, I’m going to picture current Tonya Harding next time I have sex, just as mind bleach. The only slim benefits to figure skating are: 1. Lady skaters have the best legs ever and 2. Sometimes the skaters choose music straight from Bugs Bunny cartoons, and “The Rabbit of Seville” is totally sweet. So, if there’s some bar where leggy gals serve scotch while I watch “Hillbilly Hare”, then I can safely say that figure skating is no longer required anywhere in the galaxy.
4. Christmas Ape — Dressage
OLYMPICS ARE FOR HUMANS, NOT HORSES. Also, if Mitt Romney does it, it ain’t a sport.
RobotsFightingDinosaurs: Also, why the fuck does the horse not get a medal? JOCKEYS ARE GLORYYYYYYY BOYYYS
Sarah Sprague: Imagine another sport where you used a riding crop on your teammate?
5. RobotsFightingDinosaurs — Badminton
So, you know how it’s really dumb that table tennis is an Olympic sport since it doesn’t really require athletic ability? But how it’s kind of okay because, come on, ping pong is fun? Badminton is like that, except without all the fun and entertainment. The only good thing about badminton is that when you’re 9, “shuttlecock” is a funny word.
6. Old James — Water Polo
No good has ever come from publicly accolading douche bags.
7. PFT Commenter — Rhythmic Gymnastics
If I wanted to see some diva girl a round with a pointless ribbon Id watch a redskins game during breast cancer month
Trevor Risk: *really fucking slow clap*
8. Eric Sollenberger — Fencing
If we’re putting in outmoded fighting technologies why don’t we have a trebuchet field? It’s impossible to know who is scoring and the rounds last for like a quarter of a second.
9. StuScottBooyahs — Curling
I don’t care if it originated in Scotland hundreds of years ago, it’s still a bullshit sport with the stench of Canada all over it.
10. Sarah Sprague — Modern Pentathlon
You fence, and then you swim, and then get on a horse and show jump, get off the horse (at least you could do is ride the horse until the end) and shoot a pistol, and then run two miles. Not good enough for one event, so go be mediocre in a bunch of events where no one will notice. Ironman, tough mudders and even extreme marathoners aren’t even as obnoxious.
11. BobbyBigWheel — Weightlifting
12. BobbyBigWheel — Cross Country Skiing
To quote Kenny Powers: “I play real sports, I don’t try to be the best at exercising.” And Kenny Powers IS America.
13. Sarah Sprague — Skeleton
Everyone loves to talk about how dangerous and insane skeleton is, but so is the shit they do in JACKASS and we don’t see that becoming an Olympic sport anytime soon.
14. StuScottBooyahs — Trampoline
Grow the fuck up and choose a real sport. Trampolines are for kids and NBA mascots.
(Ed. note: Rebuttal)
15. Eric Sollenberger — Boxing
Olympic boxing isn’t boxing, it’s sparring. I’m sure they could all kick my ass with one hand but if you’re going to have boxing it would be great if there were any chance at all of a knockout.
16. PFT Commenter — Men’s Beach Volleyball
Mens beach volleyball needs2 get out of town IMO,, Im not here to watch TopGun Im here to scope some babes. Take all the mens beach volleyball players and put them in the new olympic sport: Wallball.
17. Old James — Alpine Skiing
This might ruffle some some feathered parkas, and maybe there’s a little part of me that wants to see if we have any Swiss commenters, but downhill skiing is terrifying to watch. Maybe it’s because I don’t like to see human limbs snap while propelling down a mountainside at 80 MPH, maybe it’s because the last time I went skiing it was on a hill in Missouri while wearing jeans and I just don’t get it. Whatever, I can live without it.
18. RobotsFightingDinosaurs — Golf
After over 100 years of absence, the IOC decided to include golf as an Olympic sport in 2016 in Rio. Because in the Olympics, the celebration of people at the peak of physical and mental ability, a worldwide event showcasing athletic skill, why not fucking include the sport that your fat asshole “friend” that’s an RVP of sales somewhere plays? They almost bumped wrestling in 2016. Wrestling, a sport which had been contested since the first Olympics in fucking Ancient Greece, because they thought it didn’t have a draw. And then they re-instate golf. Shit, it’s not like there aren’t multiple major international golf tournaments every single year. Even if you like golf (what’s wrong with you), why the fuck does it need to be in the Olympics? I would, however, be absolutely for putt-putt as an Olympic event.
19. Christmas Ape — Judo
Give me MMA or at least an entertaining martial art like capoeira.
/Eddy Gordo for lyfe
20. Trevor Risk — Sailing
Even though it “takes me away to where I’ve always heard it could be”, every single sailing competitor is so bourgeois that he looks like a villain in an eighties movie. They should all be yelling “NERDS!” and probably pop their polo collars and have pockets full of date rape drugs.
21. Big Sandy — 2-Man Luge
What the hell is the point of the two-man luge? The one-man (or woman) luge has real-life application: if you’re stuck on a mountain and need to get down, welp, hop on your sled and go. But the two-man luge seems illogical for so many reasons: if the second guy is dead, let his corpse freeze on the mountain. Injured? Survival of the fittest. Two of you on one sled to begin with? Well, that’s your math problem, pal. This article outlines what each participant in the two-man luge does and it seems one dude could easily do both those things and it’s called the one-man luge. Or the skeleton. One could make the same argument for the four-man bobsled – why does it take four people to do what two people just did – but that would mean Cool Runnings might never get made and that would be a travesty to humankind. And speaking of these unnecessary events, while doubles’ luge is technically supposed to be gender neutral, there is no two-woman luge at Sochi (nor four-woman bobsled) because apparently that would make uteruses fall out all over the track. Whatever.
22. Tim Schavitz — Men’s Basketball
Let’s be honest: Since the ’92 USA Dream Team, there’s been only two ways to enjoy watching this sport. One way to enjoy soul-crushing blowout games against countries whose GDP is less than Kobe’s latest contract. The other way is to root against the US in hopes that Lebron’s failure keeps him one step away from Greatest of All Time conversations. The star power of the NBA helps the sport, but ultimately ruins a decent competition. When the level of competition in a sport is so low that opponents are taking off their shoes and asking for autographs, it’s a good sign to change the game.